Zippy, everyone's favorite wonder chimp and the usual author of Chimp Bytes, is out of town on a very important mission to further our quest for world domination. So I've been drafted to write the column. I thought I had burned my draft card, but apparently that was my library card. I didn't even know I had a library card. Anyway, here's some of that latest NHL news jazz...

ALL-STARS TEAMS NAMED
Hey, another one of them All-Star Game deals is comin' up this Sunday, January 18, in Vancouver. I forget what number game it is, but I think it's like the 112th annual or something. I'm pretty sure it's, like, more than six, tho'...

This year the NHL is gettin' all zany and changing the format, making it North America vs. the World. Oooh, spooky. So here are those rosters...

World Roster

STARTERS
Peter Forsberg
Teemu Selanne
Jaromir Jagr
Slava Fetisov
Sandis Ozolinsh
Dominik Hasek

RESERVES
Bobby Holik      
Saku Koivu       
Jari Kurri       
Igor Larinov     
Mats Sundin     
Daniel Alfredsson     
Peter Bondra     
Pavel Bure      
Valeri Kamensky 
Jari Kurri       
Igor Larionov   
Jere Lehtinen    
Ziggy Palffy
Igor Kravchuk    
Nicklas Lidstrom
Dmitri Mironov   
Sergei Zubov         
Nikolai Khabibulin      
Olaf Kolzig  

Coach: Ken Hitchcock
Assistant Coach: Marc Crawford

North American Roster

STARTERS
Eric Lindros
John LeClair
Brendan Shanahan
Ray Bourque
Brian Leetch
Patrick Roy

RESERVES
Joe Sakic
Wayne Gretzky
Mark Messier 
Mike Modano
Doug Weight
Tony Amonte
Theo Fleury
Shayne Corson
Mark Recchi
Keith Tkachuk
Chris Chelios
Al MacInnis
Scott Niedermayer
Scott Stevens
Darryl Sydor
Ed Belfour
Martin Brodeur

Coach: Jacques Lemaire
Assistant Coach: Kevin Constantine

People Who Don't Give a Rat's Ass Roster

Me

EAGLESON NOW A CONVICTED WEASEL
Alan Eagleson, the former executive director of the NHLPA, is going to prison after pleading guilty to fraud in a Toronto court. Eagleson used his positions of power to embezzle hundreds of thousands of dollars from the NHLPA veterans fund, Labatt's, and Hockey Canada. Just prior to the Toronto verdict, Eagleson pleaded guilty to three counts of mail fraud at a trial in Boston. He was sentenced to pay a $700,000 fine. That money will go towards paying back the people Eagleson cheated. As punishment for the Toronto court decision, Eagleson could spend up to 18 months in a Canadian prison. You know the worst part about prison? It's the ana... oh never mind.

On March 31, the board of directors for the Hockey Hall of Fame will vote on whether or not to boot Eagleson out of the Hall. Hall-of-Famer Brad Park has gone on record as saying that he will remove himself form the Hall if Eagleson is not kicked out. You da man, Brad.

FEDOROV HAPPY WITHOUT HOCKEY
Sergei Fedorov is saying that he'll be more than happy to sit out the entire 1997-98 season if the Red Wings don't give him the money he wants or fail to engineer a trade. Sergei continues to skate on his own in order to stay in shape.

However, some people are questioning whether or not he even cares about hockey anymore. Word on the street is that he is so infatuated with his girlfriend, tennis star Anna Kournikova, that hockey is no longer an important part of his life. But here's the rub. Kournikova is only 16. Hmm ha. How does that work exactly? If they go out on a date, does Sergei pick up extra money for babysitting? No word yet on whether or not the couple have a future planned, but right now they just like to take long walks on the beach, share quiet dinners at Chuck E. Cheese, and do math homework together.

NEDVED A NO GO
It doesn't look like Petr Nedved will be back in the NHL this season. While the Czech star was holding out for a new contract from the Pittsburgh Penguins, he apparently played a few exhibition games for a third-division team in the Czech Republic. Now according to NHL rules, that's no goooood. The league rules state that once a player plays for a team in Europe after the NHL season starts, that player must clear waivers before returning to the really big show. Now since there's no chance in hell of Nedved clearing waivers, that pretty much means he's stuck over in the Czech Republic playing for pocket change. This after reportedly turning down a five-year, $14-million deal from the Penguins. Hard to get happy after that one.

Nedved's agent, Tony Kondel, insists that since Nedved never signed a contract with the Czech team and did not receive any payment, he should be allowed back in without worrying about the waiver rule. Now keep in mind, the league Nedved played in was third-division... in the Czech Republic! The guys in the league all have day jobs. It's pretty much a glorified beer league. And Nedved only played exhibition games. So keeping him out of the NHL is jive. I mean, it's not like the league can afford to lose young, charismatic stars like Nedved. The league should make an exception and let him play. But, of course, that would make too much sense. And as we all know, the NHL has absolutely no common sense. They're not really much for that there book larnin' either...

DALLAS TO HONOR BROTEN
The Dallas Stars are going to retire Neal Broten's number 7 before their February 7th game against Chicago. Broten is the franchise's all-time leader in games played, assists, and points. I'd tell you exactly what the numbers are, but that would require math. And I've already used math three times today. Gotta draw the line somewhere. Broten will join Bill Goldsworthy (8) and Bill Masterton (19) as the only players to have their numbers retired in franchise history.

ICED OUT
The January 10th game between the Montreal Canadiens and New York Rangers was postponed due to the freakishly evil ice storm that devastated all of Montreal, encasing the city in ice and bringing everything to a virtual standstill. The game was rescheduled for March 12. In a related story, it snowed here last week so I just stayed inside and watched reruns of "Columbo".

HUNTER HITS MILESTONE
On January 9th, Dale Hunter recorded his 1,000th career point in a 4-1 win over the Philadelphia Flyers. Hunter entered the game, the 1,309th of his career, needing three points to reach the magical plateau. He got there in style, collecting three assists in the third period to lift the Caps to victory. The momentous assist came on a goal by Craig Berube. That's odd. To celebrate, Hunter chased down Pierre Turgeon and cross-checked him from behind into the boards.

THAT'S ALL...
Well, I'm sure there's other NHL news, but I'm tapped out. Like, pick up a newspaper once in a while or somethin'...

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