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  Date Set for Maul at the Mall
by Michael Dell, Editor-in-Chief

As many of you, our valued readers, know, earlier this season I challenged Peter Karmanos, the blood-sucking leach that owns the Carolina Hurricanes, to a fight. The deal was that if I were to beat Karmanos, LCS: Guide to Hockey would take over as the owners of the Hurricanes. At which time we would immediately move the club back to Hartford and bring joy to all the kingdom. If Karmanos won the fight, he would gain possession of the vast LCS Hockey fortune, which includes such treasures as a complete collection of "ALF" episodes on BETA and a big barrel of grain alcohol.

Several months have passed since my initial challenge and we still haven't heard word one from Karmanos. Which just proves he's yella. Since I first proposed the winner-take-all brawl, however, a few factors have changed. In light of the Hurricanes recently trading Geoff Sanderson and Sean Burke to Vancouver, I am no longer putting up the whole collection of "ALF" tapes. The episodes where he attends the costume party with the zipper on his belly, digs a hole in the backyard and hallucinates about "Gilligan's Island", and the one where Brian sings that asparagus song are no longer on the table. Hey, fair is fair.

I've also come to the realization that Karmanos is definitely ducking me somethin' fierce. If left up to him, this scrap would never get off the ground. So in order to help the fight along, I have already set a date, secured the arena, and started preparing the proper exploitation.

Wake the kids, call the neighbors... the fight will take place on Wednesday, February 4, at good ol' Greengate Mall in Greensburg, PA. It's only fitting that the man who savagely harpooned the once great franchise that skated in a mall meet his maker at a similar shopping center.

For those not familiar with the thriving metropolis of Greensburg, Greengate Mall is sort of the town's bastard child. Long neglected for its larger, more modern cross-town rival, Westmoreland Mall, Greengate has fallen on some hard times. With each passing day it's becoming more of an abandoned warehouse than a mall. Stores are splittin' like rats off a sinking ship. Tumbleweeds outnumber customers. If things were any more deserted, you'd need a canteen and a camel to shop. Hey, I'm just sayin' business is slow, that's all.

When contacted about the possibility of Greengate hosting the fight, William Prescott, the mall's chief operating advisor, was eager to cooperate. "So, like, since this is a fight, I'm guessing they'll be at least two people inside the mall on the Wednesday night in question, correct?" inquired Prescott. Realizing how that would practically double the usual Wednesday night traffic, Prescott hurriedly responded, "Where do I sign?"

With the venue locked up, the next step is to get the word out on the streets. All big fights need a catchy name. That's, like, rule number one in fight promotion. I picked it up watchin' that Don King movie on HBO. You need somethin' that rolls off the tongue, yet takes root in the subconscious. Somethin' that has theatrical appeal, yet still looks good on t-shirts. So with that in mind, I have decided on a moniker for the monumental melee... "The Maul at the Mall"! Following in the footsteps of the "Thrilla in Manilla" and the "The Rumble in the Jungle", "The Maul at the Mall" promises to be a once-in-a-lifetime event that will surely rewrite history books and shake civilization to its very foundation. Only in America, baby! Only in America! Or, you know, Canada... and maybe Sweden... yeah, this could definitely fly in Sweden.

The rules for the fight are slightly different from that of a regular boxing match. First, there are no rules. Which makes it pretty hard to cheat. Second, there's no ring. The fight will start at center court on the lower level, but from there it's anyone's guess. The entire mall is open for business. We could end up throwin' blows in the back of "Chick-Fil-A" by the time the smoke clears. Finally, one man is declared the winner when his opponent either gets knocked unconscious, taps out due to some wack-ass submission hold, or runs away screaming like a little school girl. Which I think, oddly enough, is how Martin Van Buren was elected President.

The fight is scheduled for 8 PM. Come early. Bring a friend. Tickets will be sold at the door for $5.00 or in advance over the phone for $3.50. All proceeds will go to help us buy liquor for the victory party. Write us for further ticket information.

Anyway, it should be quite the evening of fun-filled, family entertainment. Stay tuned to the pages of LCS for updates as the fight date approaches.

Fight Poster
Official Fight Poster

LCS Hockey

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