Public Service Announcement: Fake Cups Suck

Public Service Announcement: Fake Cups Suck
By Michael Dell, editor-in-chief

Because of an unfortunate incident this past weekend, LCS: Guide to Hockey has been asked to perform some community service. Hey, she didn't look like a cop. Anyway, this "community service" will consist of us running public service announcements from time to time. Here at LCS: Guide to Hockey, we're always trying to help our fellow man. It's the least we can do. Well, actually it's the least we can do after already getting hit with a $50 fine and time served. Believe me, I checked.
The subject of our first public service announcement is something very dear to our hearts. It seems that every year around this time, fans all across the NHL catch the ol' playoff fever and do some pretty foolish things. Whether it's painting their faces, busting out the crayons and making pitiful attempts at signs, or even dressing up as fictional characters with such names as "Captain Avalanche", fans around the league often specialize in the ridiculous.
Yet there is one absurd practice that makes all other stupidity seem like creative bliss. This activity is so lame, that it's hard to imagine even the most irrational of minds taking part. It's just so damn stupid. I am, of course, referring to the production of imitation Stanley Cups.
Yes, that's right, imitation Stanley Cups. Watch any playoff game from the Conference finals on and you'll be sure to see at least one poor soul in the crowd proudly hoisting a cheap, homemade knock off of hockey's Holy Grail. Why? What drives a person to such idiotic extremes? It's hard to say for sure, but I think it might be all the aerosol cans.
The sad thing is that these "Cups" never even bear the slightest resemblance to their real life model. For some reason, people think they can make a counterfeit worthy of fooling Lord Stanley himself by simply jamming a funnel into a roll of paper towels and wrapping the whole thing up in aluminum foil. Yeah, that looks real authentic. Then there are the clowns that actually go for the multi-layer look of the real Cup. It's amazing what one can do with old garbage cans, a punch bowl, and lots of foil, isn't it?
Notice that no matter how intricate or simplistic the blueprints, the one constant ingredient in production is aluminum foil. People, people, people... if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times, aluminum foil should only be used for one thing... to line the inside of your hats in order to deflect the mind-controlling radio waves sent by the advanced race of space goats currently hovering in outer space awaiting their chance to enslave the inhabitants of Earth. Except, of course, for the Earth goats, which will all be given position of power in the new goat-controlled society. C'mon, folks, you gotta work with me here. At least meet me half way.
Back to the whole fake-Stanley-Cup thing, the most amazing aspect of this ridiculous phenomenon is that these things don't make themselves. People actually have to set aside a portion of their lives to construct these monstrosities. They have to go around and collect the supplies, sit down at the ol' kitchen table, and go about assembling these slipshod chalices. Even the worst ones still have to take about 10 or 15 minutes to make. That may not seem like much, but that's time that could be better spent doing something more worthwhile... like watching reruns of "Starsky and Hutch" or learning Ebonics.
Then there's the simple act of bringing the "Cup" to the game. How does this change the pregame routine? "Hey, Kenny, are you ready? Oh wait, I forgot the fake Stanley Cup... we wouldn't want to leave without the fake Stanley Cup."
And then they have to carry it with them as they walk up to the arena. Exactly what is going through their heads during this time? You think somewhere along the way at least a glimmer of common sense would seep into their subconscious. Just enough that they might realize, "Wow, I just made a fake Stanley Cup out of various discarded household items and aluminum foil. I must be the biggest dork alive. Let me dispose of the evidence before going any further." But does that ever happen? Nope. Apparently once the foil is wrapped, the icy grip of madness is too tough to shake. The point of no return has been crossed. Imprisoned in their own momentary insanity, these poor wretches gleefully parade into the arena displaying their works of incompetence for the whole world to see.
As a caring society, isn't our duty to extend a helping hand to this misguided lot? We have to implore these individuals to recognize the error of their ways. If we don't help, who will? And if not now, when?
If we all pull together and do our part, this tragic problem could be eradicated in our lifetime. The key when confronting someone about this terrible affliction is to use compassion, love, and understanding. Or, you could just make fun of them until they cry... that always works.
And remember, friends don't let friends make fake Stanley Cups.
Thank you.