It's that time of year again down here in the States. Tuesday is Election Day, which means we all go out and get really drunk and then stumble around the streets singing Irish drinking songs while fondling hot sorority chicks as they try to go to class.

Oh, wait...that's just like any other day in Columbus. Election Day is when we get really drunk and then vote for whichever name we recognize from high-priced TV ads. If we drink Guinness, we vote for O'Shaughnessy. If it's Beast Ice, we vote for Taft. If it's Night Train, we always end up voting for Dukakis.

If we drink too much, we forget who we voted for, then blame the "faulty" voting machines for not knowing who we wanted.

So with that in mind, here is the LCS Hockey Election Guide, filled with bias, slander and bribes - just like any other good election.

Issues:

Issue 1: Crackdown on Obstruction

Early polling shows most people in favor of the new crackdown on obstruction in the NHL. More than 88 percent of those polled (and we all know how painful that can be) say that NHL games are almost watchable now. There's more speed, more offense and more excitement than there was a year ago.

However, the game is still pretty ghetto. It just can't return to the good times of 10 years ago. The reason: The talent is watered down. Too much expansion means the talent is as thin as ever before. And the players aren't being developed in the proper way. Too many young players are in the NHL before they're ready, causing the talent to look even worse that it should.

Vote "yes" for the crackdown on obstruction.

Issue 2: Hurry-up Faceoffs

This was another heated topic during the debates. Will the new time limits cheapen faceoffs? Will they make them seem unimportant? After about a month of play, the answer is no. Faceoffs are still faceoffs. Linesmen get less on-air time (which is a good thing unless you're a Ray Scapinello fan). And a lot of games are over before 10 p.m. That means we get a whole hour to search for Christina Aguilera's new video before Howard Stern comes on.

With that said, the new faceoff rules win in a landslide.

Issue 3: Frivolous Spending

Balance the budget. That's all a lot of voters care about these days. How are you going to balance the budget? Well guess what? I can't even balance a checkbook, so don't ask me.

From the looks of it, you can't ask NHL owners that question, either. Let's take a look at some of the league's free agent signings and see how those players are doing today.

First up: The New York Rangers. The deal that coined the phrase "Bobby Holik Money" isn't looking so good for the New York Rangers. The team bolted out of the free agent gates to sign Holik, who is scheduled to make $9.6 million this season. What has he done: registered a goal and an assist in 10 games. He's also a minus-4 and has won a mediocre 55.5 percent of his faceoffs.

Darius Kasparaitis was another must-have player. The Rangers will shell out $4.1 million for his services this season. Not good. While Kaspar might top our Cool List, he's been ice cold so far this season. He's a minus-9, has just two assists and looks completely lost on most nights.

The Phoenix Coyotes signed Tony Amonte in the off-season to provide some scoring punch. So far, that hasn't happened. It is true that Amonte leads the team with nine points in 12 games, but he has just three goals and seems almost invisible on most nights. That's not a good thing for the Coyotes, who are paying him close to $6 million this season.

The Dallas Stars seem to be getting their money's worth out of Billy Guerin and Ulf Dahlen, but Scotty Young is another story. He was supposed to find good chemistry with former linemate Pierre Turgeon, but that hasn't happened. He has zero goals and four assists in 12 games.

Now let's take a look at the Pittsburgh Penguins, who had practically no money to spend on free agents. The picked up two players off of the scrap heap: Dickie Tarnstrom and Alexandre Daigle. Tarnstrom, who will make $475,000 this season, has fit in nicely since being plucked off of the waiver wire. He has 10 points in nine games and is a plus-5. Daigle has four points in 10 games as he works his way back into the game after retiring several years ago.

The moves might have looked ridiculous at the time in the eyes of many, but comparing what the Pens have received for their $1.175 million investment compared to what the Rangers are getting for their $13.7 million investment, and Craig Patrick, once again, looks like a genius.

Vote Patrick in 2002, and tell Sather his large bank account can't sway your decision.

The Candidates:

Secretary of Defense: Brent Johnson vs. Freddie Brathwaite vs. Reinhard Divis vs. Curtis Sanford vs. Cody Rudkowsky vs. Tom Barrasso

What a jumbled mess this is. The incumbent, Johnson, has barely even touched the ice this season. He finally put on pads this past week after an ankle sprain kept him out of action all preseason and thus far in the regular season. He's still a week or two away from returning to game action.

With Johnson out, Steady Freddie Brathwaite was supposed to take over the No. 1 job. He did, but only for two games. His groin injury meant the team had to turn to third-stringer Reinhard Divis, who played remarkable well in two games … until he pulled a groin. Next up: Curtis Sanford, who apparently got the call while rummaging through some old car parts at his junkyard. Sanford played well in three games until, you guessed it, he sprained an ankle. That meant the team was down to fifth-stringer Cody Rudkowsky.

Luckily for the Blues, Brathwaite returned to action. If something happened to Rudkowsky, rumor had it that Kurt Warner was going to suit up for St. Louis so he could try out the new West Coast Defense he has been pondering while out of action...

Brathwaite's return doesn't guarantee that the Blues are free of goaltending problems. With so many groin and ankle injuries, the problems are bound to pop up again. So the team signed locker-room cancer Tom Barrasso.

So who gets our support? If healthy, you gotta go with Johnson. Barrasso's attitude could be nothing but trouble in the locker room, so avoid him at all cost.

Secretary of Stank: Byron Dafoe vs. Block of Cheese

Let's get this straight. Barrasso finds a job before Byron Dafoe, a guy who won more than 30 games last season? Was it something he said?

Well, yeah.

Dafoe shouldered no blame for his team's first-round loss to the Canadiens last season. That didn't sit well with Bruins management, so they chose not to re-sign him. Had they had a block of cheese, however, they could have at least enjoyed the cheese throughout the season. The taste of cheese gets stronger the longer it sits, you know. Dafoe, however, only made the Bruins and their fans bitter.

Dafoe offered his services around the rest of the league, but found no takers. Many thought that if a team had injury problems between the pipes, Dafoe would get the call. It happened in St. Louis, but the Blues went with Barrasso instead.

Veddy interesting...

So while Blues goalies get healthy, Dafoe continues to lounge around the house in a bathrobe eating Pringles and fudge-striped coo-kays while collecting unemployment. It's a nice life if you can get it.

Words to live by: You can't go wrong with cheese.

Supreme Court: Tampa Bay vs. Minnesota

Who would have thought that two of the top candidates for the league's Supreme Court would be Tampa Bay and Minnesota? Yikes, Planet X must be upon us.

Should we really support either Stanley Cup campaign? Are there no better options? LCS Hockey's advice: Don't forget the power of the write-in candidate. Choose someone else.

Depleted Court: Nashville vs. Atlanta

This one could come down to the wire. On one hand you have the Atlanta Thrashers, who finally picked up their first win of the season (and first in 19 games) Saturday against Florida. On the other hand, you have the Nashville Predators, who have just one win.

Survey sez: Nashville.

Yeah, the Thrash are pretty bad. But they have two things going for them: Dany Heatley and Ilya Kovalchuk. Sure, Ilya was recently benched, but come on! Cut the kid some slack. It's not like him playing defense is going to get the team a win. Where's Uwe Krupp? Oh yeah, he's injured...again. Where's Richard Smehlik? Come on, Mr. Defensive Defenseman, suck it up. Kovalchuk's paid to score goals. Someone on that team has to do it. It's obvious the team's not going to win many 1-0 games with that defense and goaltending. Let the kid play!

As for Nashville, well, this team's just butt. I've seen better lineups on UPN. The forwards are going backwards, and the term "defenseman" is a misnomer. Do Barry Trotz a favor and put him out of his misery. Hey, I hear Curt Fraser might be available.

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