Cut 'n' Paste Hockey
by Andrew Loughrey, News Guru
Corrections and Retractions
Good news, everyone. The LCS editors issued a special commendation to Cut 'n' Paste hockey last week for its complete and utter lack of errors, exaggerations, misquotes or half-truths. Last week was the first time Cut 'n' Paste has achieved such perfection. We can only strive to equal this unprecedented precedent from this week forward. Of course, the mere fact that you are reading a Cut 'n' Paste news report dashes all hope of a repeat performance.
"So where was Cut 'n' Paste last week?" you ask. Good question. Shows you've been paying attention. A recent dearth in studies requiring human test subjects has sent the LCS staff scurrying to the newspaper racks of the local Quick Stop. While purchasing Crazy Horse with our hard-earned nickels and pennies, we are now scouring the want ads and employment sections of the daily and weekly locals. Although nothing has materialized yet, we were promised a call-back from someone calling herself "Dr. Germ"
Fortunately, we turned up a few hidden hockey stories and headlines while perusing the periodicals. So without further ado, here are this week's LCS Hockey Cut 'n' Paste Want Ads:
For Sale: Unused Historic Arena - Serious Inquiries Only
Recently defeated team looking to sever all ties to the past. Certain conditions apply: Arena's "historic" facade must remain intact, space cannot be used as "a body-rub parlour," currently unused ice surface must remain intact (negotiable), new ownership not permitted to construct a new arena on the premises. Direct all inquiries to Hollow Gigantic Sports Corporation, attn: Maple Leaf Garden Redistribution Department. Serious offers only, please.
Wanted: New Brother
Looking for a responsible, fun-loving older brother who will not be in a position to fire me. Must have a working knowledge of the sport of hockey (without knowing more than I do). Must not be a big meanie. NHL general managers need not apply. Especially if your initials are C.P. Interested candidates please call Glenn Patrick at (570) H8-CRAIG. Residents of northeast Pennsylvania preferred.
Fire Sale: Everything Must Go
Want something for the man who has everything? How about a 2001 Calder Cup (slightly used)? Maybe 40 days' use of Harbour Station in scenic St. John, New Brunswick? A 23-man AHL roster? All this and more could be yours. Interested parties should contact the Calgary Flames. Tips on a new city to place an AHL team in 2004 welcome!
Used Fax Machine For Sale
Actual fax machine used to notify the Toronto Maple Leafs of Robert Svehla's retirement now for sale. You too can amaze your friends and duck personal responsibility by having your agent send hilarious faxes to bosses, co-workers, even complete strangers! Fun for everyone from 8 to 80! Get it now before it goes up for auction on eBay. $500 (US) donation to Slovakia club team Dukla Trencin, or best offer.
Super-Rich WM Seeking Same
Looking to share/unload valuable Texas-based NHL club on unsuspecting sucker. Member of Good Ol' Boys Network a plus! Pay no attention to the results of this year's playoffs - this club is a winner! Comes complete with a record-setting regular season goaltender and a coverboy (yet hardworking) veteran centerman. Only four years removed from ripping off the league, its players and fans by "winning" the Stanley Cup. Can't-miss investment opportunity! The team practically runs itself! On second thought, nevermind; my accountants are suggesting I keep this team in my portfolio, as my MLB venture won't see a return until 2034. Sorry for the confusion. Sincerely, T. Hicks.
Whew! That was great fun, wasn't it kids? The want ads are over, but there's still plenty of Cut 'n' Paste coming at you. Stay tuned for three of your favorite features, right after these words from Vijay Singh...
"Girls have cooties."
Thanks for the insight, Vijay. And now, back to Cut 'n' Paste News.
Inside the Piggy Bank
Everyone's favorite Toronto-based franchise-saving billionaire held his first press conference in the Corel Centre this past Saturday. Eugene Melnyk now has support from Ottawa's team president, Ontario Superior Court, and most importantly, Count Bettman. The courts approved Melnyk's bid of $100 million for the purchase of the Senators, contingent upon an agreement by Melnyk to purchase the Corel Centre, as well. According to Mean Gene, a deal in the neighborhood of $30 million is on the table and awaiting approval by a New York bankruptcy court. Why a New York bankruptcy court? Because the Corel Centre was actually owned by Covanta Energy Corporation of New Jersey - a now bankrupt company. So not only did the Senators' ownership declare bankruptcy, but the club was playing its home games in an arena owned by a bankrupt company. And that winning formula has the Senators one step away from the Stanley Cup Finals? Only in the NHL...
Anyway, once Melnyk's purchase of the Corel Centre is approved, the NHL's Board of Governors will be the only obstacle between Eugene and the wonderful world of financial instability that only today's NHL can provide. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, true believers, the NHL is in great shape. And that 2004 work stoppage rumor? Just conspiracy theorists and pessimistic sports journalists trying to sell more papers. Repeat after me, "XHA action: It's Xtremendous!"
LCS presents "Mr. Popularity" a.k.a. "NHL Idol"
Caving to the reality-TV phase sweeping the globe, the NHL recently announced its list of Awards finalists. What? It's not enough that a team goes through and wins the Stanley Cup, now the league has to recognize outstanding individual performers for many of the losing teams, too? Talk about giving in to societal pressure... What? They've been giving away these awards for years? Uh, OK. Fine. Whatever. Here are the finalists for the NHL's end-of-season awards:
Hart Trophy (League MVP, as voted on by sportswriters)
Peter Forsberg (Colorado), Markus Naslund (Vancouver), Martin Brodeur (New Jersey)
Lester B Pearson Award (League MVP, as voted on by players)
Peter Forsberg (Colorado), Markus Naslund (Vancouver), Joe Thornton (Boston)
Norris Trophy (Best Defenseman)
Nicklas Lidstrom (Detroit), Derian Hatcher (Dallas), Al McInnis (St Louis)
Vezina Trophy (Best Goaltender)
Martin Brodeur (New Jersey), Ed Belfour (Toronto), Marty Turco (Dallas)
Calder Trophy (Best Rookie)
Henrik Zetterberg (Detroit), Barret Jackman (St Louis), Rick Nash (Columbus)
Selke Trophy (Best Defensive Forward)
Wes Walz (Minnesota), John Madden (New Jersey), Jere Lehtinen (Dallas)
Lady Byng Trophy (Most Gentlemanly Player)
Nicklas Lidstrom (Detroit), Mike Modano (Dallas), Alexander Mogilny (Toronto)
Jack Adams Trophy (Best Head Coach)
Jacques Martin (Ottawa), Jacques Lemaire (Minnesota), John Tortorella (Tampa Bay)
He Hate Me NHL Playoff Suspension List
Man, there hasn't been a suspension in over a month now. What's with these goody-two-skates players these days? Old-time hockey this is not, gentle readers. The closest thing to report in this section is the $25,000 fine the NHL dropped on the Minnesota Wild for the melee that erupted after Game 2 of their second round matchup against Vancouver. And that's so far in the past now, it hardly warrants mentioning. Oh well, I guess the games are all too important now for the NHL front office to hand down suspensions. Unless, of course, a dirty Minnesotan happens to breathe a little too heavily on the league's newest media darling, "Just Saves" Giguere.
* 4/12/03 - Derian Hatcher (DAL) suspended one game for receiving his second game misconduct penalty of the playoffs (third man in vs Edmonton)
* 4/10/03 - Eric Godard (NYI) suspended one game for high-sticking Chris Neil of Ottawa
Regular Season Suspension List:
* 4/3/03 - Tim Connolly (BUF) suspended four games for high-sticking Garnet Exelby of Atlanta
* 3/31/03 - Joe Kocur (DET, assistant coach) suspended two games for tossing a chair onto the ice in a game against St Louis
* 3/30/03 - Chris Tamer (ATL) suspended at least one game for cross-checking Vladimir Orszagh of Nashville
* 3/24/03 - Reed Low (STL) suspended two games for receiving his third instigator penalty of the season in a game against Dallas
* 3/24/03 - Jeff Finley (STL) suspended four games for fighting Derian Hatcher of Dallas from the penalty box
* 3/12/03 - Scott Young (DAL) suspended two games for high-sticking Jaroslav Spacek of Columbus
* 3/12/03 - Andrei Nazarov (PHX) suspended two games for intent-to-injure match penalty against Dan McGillis of San Jose
* 3/5/03 - Darcy Tucker (TOR) suspended five games for fighting at the bench against Chris Neil of Ottawa
* 3/5/03 - Tie Domi (TOR) suspended three games for throwing a punch to the face of Magnus Arvedson of Ottawa
* 2/25/03 - Keith Tkachuk (STL) suspended four games for cross-checking Wes Walz of Minnesota
* 2/23/03 - Cale Hulse (NSH) suspended one game for cross-checking Peter Schaefer of Ottawa
* 2/23/03 - Jody Shelley (CLB) suspended two games for being aggressor in altercation with Brad Stuart of San Jose
* 2/13/03 - Andre Roy (TAM) suspended three games for abuse of an official during a game against the Islanders
* 1/21/03 - Vaclav Prospal (TAM) suspended two games for cross-checking Chris Neil of Ottawa
* 1/21/03 - Marty Turco (DAL) suspended one game for high-sticking Colorado's Peter Forsberg
* 1/3/03 - Slava Kozlov (ATL) suspended three games for abuse of an official during a game versus Ottawa
* 12/28/02 - Todd Simpson (PHX) suspended two games for careless use of stick against Ian Laperriere of Los Angeles
* 12/20/02 - Scott Nichol (CAL) suspended five games for butt-ending Columbus' Hannes Hyvonen
* 12/18/02 - Jeremy Roenick (PHI) suspended two games for boarding against Dallas' Mike Modano
* 12/5/02 - Jody Shelley (COL) suspended one game for altercation from bench against the Rangers' Ronald Petrovicky
* 11/27/02 - Wade Belak (TOR) suspended two games for elbowing Washington's Brendan Witt
* 11/27/02 - Todd Simpson (PHX) suspended three games for high-sticking Dallas' Rob DiMaio
* 11/22/02 - Garth Snow (NYI) suspended two games for attempting to injure Tampa Bay's Sheldon Keefe
* 11/11/02 - Bryan Trottier (NYR, head coach) suspended two games for [Mis]conduct of team against Columbus
* 11/11/02 - Krzysztof Oliwa (NYR) suspended five games for cross-checking Columbus' Grant Marshall
* 11/11/02 - Sean Brown (BOS) suspended one game for cross-checking Dennis Bonvie of Ottawa
* 11/8/02 - Alexei Zhitnik (BUF) suspended two games for kneeing Jan Hlavac of Carolina
* 11/1/02 - Darcy Hordichuk (PHX) suspended 10 games for abuse of an official during a game against Philadelphia
* 10/21/02 - Lance Ward (FLA) suspended one game for elbowing Columbus' Tyler Wright
* 10/16/02 - Chris Dingman (TAM) suspended two games for high-sticking Jesse Boulerice of Carolina
* 10/12/02 - Eric Lindros (NYR) suspended one game for careless use of the stick against Montreal's Stephane Quintal
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