Last evening I awoke from a Lost Week, and I found myself drifting in a pool next to a margarita-loving chimp named Harv who was being pushed along by Beetlejuice from Howard Stern's show. I rubbed my eyes, slapped my face, quickly pushed aside something that looked like a Baby Ruth, and groggily made my way to the poolside ladder. I dragged my prunelike body out of the pool toward civilization - a faintly flickering 19-inch TV - in time to tune into ESPN for Game 6 of the Western Conference Finals between the Detroit Red Wings and Colorado Avalanche.

Today, even the playa hatas (that's "hay-tuhs" to you, Whitey) know that the Wings beat the Avs 2-0, but the big story from last night was not Brendan Shanahan finally scoring a [sunshine] goal or that the Wings are bringing the series back to Detroit, the most beautiful city on Earth, for Game 7 on Friday. The Drudge-like front-page story is that referee Kerry Fraser doesn't wear a helmet.

I could have sworn that I saw a Jofa logo on Fraser's shellacked helmet of hair, but late in the third period of last night's game, reality hit in the form of an inadvertent stick to the ref's dome. A superhuman head like Pat Quinn would have shaken off the hard hit to the cabbage, relit his cigar, downed a scotch, and skated on. But after Fraser was struck he turtled like Tie Domi. His desperate attempt at covering his Paul Mitchell-approved mane had nothing to do with the blood that trickled out his tresses, but rather Fraser had worked so hard to get his hair "just so" after the second period and he didn't want to lose the perfect lie he had created.

Fraser finally got up from the ice and skated to the Avs' bench, frantically miming a combing motion the entire way. Lip readers like myself could make out the words, "Vent brush, blow dryer, Clairol Herbal Essences Extra Hold Spray - stat!" The Avs' trainer instead tried to stem the bleeding that seeped from the crack in Fraser's scalp, but the tough ref waved off their medical supplies and repeated, "Vent brush, stat! Have Aebischer run to CVS, now!" Being a neutral Swiss, Avs' backup goalie David Aebischer just sat there and looked blankly at an aggrieved Fraser, who attempted to call a bench minor on him.

Speaking of bench minors, what was up with the Avs trying to measure Dominik Hasek's stick at the end of the second period when they were already on a power play? Measuring another dude's stick? Isn't that, I dunno, kinda gay? Not that there's anything wrong with that. I mean, in the privacy of your own home there's nothing wrong with measuring another dude's stick, but on the ice it's wrong. Not that I know about measuring another dude's stick in the privacy of my own home, but if I did, well, there wouldn't be anything wrong with it. Ahem. Where's my next paragraph indicating a new topic when I need it? Oh, there it is…

Water Displacement Celebrity Challenge
With the Toronto Maple Leafs eliminated, Fox recently announced a new Summer TV series: Water Displacement Celebrity Challenge. Contestants will take on Leafs' coach and huge-head owner Pat Quinn in a water displacement test to see whose cranium is larger. First celebrity challenger: Minnie Driver.

Standing by like Rusty the Bailiff on The People's Court, Darcy Tucker will be a regular on the set of Water Displacement Celebrity Challenge, ready to hold underwater the heads of any contestants who might come close to defeating Quinn. "Accidentally holding someone's head underwater until they expire is just part of the game. I don't mean anything by it," an innocent-looking Tucker told the press as he practiced dunking a replica of Michael Peca's knee.

There is no truth to the rumor that once Quinn fells all challengers to his Cabbage Kingdom that he will allow his steak-and-stogie-enlarged heart to take on all comers in the second season.

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