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GUIDE TO HOCKEY GUIDE TO HOCKEY  GUIDE TO HOCKEY GUIDE TO HOCKEY  
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Five Star            - ELECTRONIC EDITION -            * * * * * 
================================================================
Issue 85             Jan. 13 - Jan. 27, 1998       523,000 bytes
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----------------------------------------------------------------
LCS All-Star Teams
----------------------------------------------------------------
by Michael Dell

Here at LCS: Guide to Hockey, we're not getting all swept up in
this Olympic brotherhood garbage.  Frankly, we think the whole
North America vs. the World All-Star Game format is pretty lame. 
So when it came time for us to select our All-Star squads, we
kept things old school by choosing Eastern and Western Conference
rosters.  Nationality didn't play a part in the decision making
process.  Although, as always, prescription drugs and cheap wine
did.  

Here now, are the mid-season All-Star teams we'd like to see take
the ice in Vancouver on Sunday, January 18.  We pick the guys
that we think deserve to go based on performance, not by
reputation.  Unless, you know, we really like the guy, then
reputation is plenty good enough.  And we also don't limit
ourselves to selecting at least one person from each team. 
Because, well, that rule's gay. 

Eastern Conference

OFFENSE

Jason Allison, Boston Bruins (44-16-26-42):  While he
isn't the most breathtaking skater in the world, Allison is
improving.  And while his wheels are suspect, he's definitely got
some quality hands.  Allison is leading the young Bruin squad in
scoring (42 points), the league in shooting percentage (22.5%),
and is tied for third in the NHL in game-winning goals (6).    

Ray Whitney, Florida Panthers (41-18-19-37):  Hey, don't
laugh!  The San Jose Sharks and Edmonton Oilers didn't want him,
but Whitney has been scorin' like a chimp down in Florida.  The
second-ever draft pick of the Sharks, the diminutive center has
sparked an anemic Panther offense and leads the club in scoring. 
Overall he has 18 goals and 37 points in 41 games, but he's
notched 17 goals and 33 points in his 32 games as a Cat.  He may
not be a big-time player, but he deserves some recognition for
his early success.

Shayne Corson, Montreal Canadiens (46-15-30-45):  After
scoring just eight goals and 24 points last season, Corson was
all but written off for dead.  But he trained extremely hard over
the summer and came to camp in the best shape of his life.  All
the hard work has translated into a phenomenal first half which
has seen Corson score 45 points and reclaim his stature as a
premier power forward.  He leads the league in power-play goals
with 11. 

Mark Recchi, Montreal Canadiens (46-22-25-47):  Part of
Corson's resurgence is due to playing on the same line with
Recchi.  The Recchin' Ball continues to roll up big numbers,
posting 22 goals and 47 points.  He's also shown some heart by
playing through injuries to keep his iron man streak going.       

Bobby Holik, New Jersey Devils (44-18-22-40):  No longer
just a checking center, Holik is having another swell goal-
scoring campaign.  He leads El Diablo with 18 goals and 40
points.  

Randy McKay, New Jersey Devils (44-17-15-32):  Yeah, it
sounds nutty, but McKay deserves to be on the All-Star team. 
He's been an absolute force for the Devils since day one and has
already matched his career high in goals (17) and is just one
point shy of his best-ever scoring total (33).  

Pat LaFontaine, New York Rangers (45-16-29-45):  Forget
about Wayne Gretzky, LaFontaine should be the Ranger All-Star. 
He's hit a bit of a slide lately, but Laffy has been somethin'
special for the Blueshirts.  In typical LaFontaine fashion, most
of his team-high 16 goals have been of the highlight-reel
variety.  Laffy is still a bad man.

John LeClair, Philadelphia Flyers (44-33-21-54):  We
started the debate last season, but the question still remains:
Who's better, Lindros or LeClair?  With each passing game, more
and more people are getting converted to the Church of LeClair. 
This guy is just unstoppable.  He's tied for the league lead with
33 goals and is second in points with 54.  But the best thing
about LeClair is that even when he isn't scoring, he can still
impact a game with his size, speed, and attention to defense. 
His mere presence on the ice is enough to give the Flyers the
advantage in any game. 

Eric Lindros, Philadelphia Flyers (43-19-33-52):  While
Lindros is no longer the lone superstar in Philly, he's still a
dominant player.  Earlier in the season he suffered through a
prolonged goal-scoring drought and then snapped out of it in
typical Lindros fashion with a hat trick against the Islanders. 
That's the kind of big-game effort that will one day bring a Cup
to Philly.  If, you know, they ever get goaltending...    

Ron Francis, Pittsburgh Penguins (45-14-23-47):  Left off
the Olympic and All-Star teams, Francis continues to get no
respect.  All this guy does is go out every night and play his
heart out while leading an incredibly average and inexperienced
Pittsburgh club to the top of the Northeast Division standings. 
Listen, the Penguins were mud before Francis arrived in town, and
they'll be mud once he's gone.    

Jaromir Jagr, Pittsburgh Penguins (41-20-32-52):  One guy
who doesn't take Francis for granted is his good buddy Jaromir
Jagr.  The Czech Wonder Kid knows that if it wasn't for Francis,
he'd be drowning in a pool of mediocrity in Pittsburgh.  Together
Jagr and Francis give the Penguins one of the best scoring
tandems in the league.  It took Jagr a while to get warmed up
this season, but he's been a mission man since around the start
of December.  It won't be long before he's on top of the NHL
scoring race.  He's still the most dominant offensive force in
the game of hockey.  He's also clutch.  Jagr is tied with Peter
Bondra for the league lead in game-winning goals with seven.  

Peter Bondra, Washington Capitals (42-27-15-42):  Speaking
of Bondra, he's run hot and cold with the Caps this season.  So
cold that coach Ron Wilson has even benched him on occasion.  But
when he's hot, he's Africa hot.  Bondra is just a goal-scoring
machine.  Not many, perhaps only Pavel Bure and Teemu Selanne,
can even come close to matching his straight ahead acceleration
and shot power.  Bondra's fun to watch.

DEFENSE
  
Ray Bourque, Boston Bruins (44-8-17-25):  Boston has been
a surprise success in the standings so far.  They're still boring
as hell to watch, but they are winning some games.  Yippee.  The
big reason why continues to be Ray Bourque.  Despite turning 37
at the end of December, Bourque still sees 30+ minutes of ice
time a night and leads the young squad by example.  His real test
will come after the Olympics, when the workload might catch up to
him.    
  
Robert Svehla, Florida Panthers (46-5-21-26):  Svehla
isn't exactly having his best season ever for the Panthers, but
he's still damn cool.  And he's quietly sneaking up among the
defensive scoring leaders, currently tied for seventh with 26
points.  

Vladimir Malakhov, Montreal Canadiens (41-7-17-24):  It
seems like Malakhov is finally starting to deliver on all the
promise that made scouts giddy with anticipation when he first
arrived in North America.  The lanky Russian has been a pillar of
strength along the Montreal blue line this season.  He leads the
club's defenseman with seven goals and 24 points, while playing
at a +15 and earning the reputation as one of the better one-on-
one defenders.  
    
Scott Niedermayer, New Jersey Devils (44-7-26-33): 
Niedermayer is another guy that's starting to do what everyone
always thought he could... namely lead the league's defenseman in
scoring.  Niedermayer is currently tied for fourth among NHL
blueliners with 33 points.  The improved scoring hasn't hampered
his defense at all, either.  This year he just seems to be more
involved at both ends of the rink.  He's probably been the East's
best defenseman to this point in the season.  

Scott Stevens, New Jersey Devils (44-2-12-14):  Stevens
continues to be a rock on defense for New Jersey.  All Jacques
Lemaire has to do is match up Stevens against the other team's
top players and watch the opposing stars disappear.  

Bryan Berard, New York Islanders (39-12-13-25):  What
sophomore jinx?  Berard has stepped up his scoring and become a
deadly point man on the power play, where he's tied for sixth in
the league with eight power-play goals.  The best thing about
watching Berard anchor the man-advantage is that he isn't scared
to shoot.  When he gets the puck out high, he knows what to do
with it.  And he doesn't just rely on his slapper.  He realizes a
well placed wrist shot can be just as effective as a big rip.  

Eric Desjardins, Philadelphia Flyers (39-5-11-16): 
Desjardins is the Ron Francis of defensemen.  No one ever talks
about him, but he just goes out night after night and plays
incredible defense.  

Darius Kasparaitis, Pittsburgh Penguins (43-2-7-9): 
Darius has had a few mental lapses, but overall he's been
Pittsburgh's best defenseman.  But that's not why we picked him.  
We just think it would be cool to watch Kaspar go buckwild and
run all those high-priced Western All-Stars.  Wow, could you
imagine that?  It would be like shootin' fish in a barrel.  With
so many easy targets, the wacky Lithuanian's head might explode
trying to decide which one to hit first.  And if you're scoring
at home, Darius is still the coolest player in the NHL.  The
guy's just funny.  

Calle Johansson, Washington Capitals (46-12-12-24): 
Here's another guy that never gets much attention.  Johansson is
one of the steadiest blueliners in the league.  He earns a spot
on the squad this season for ringing up 12 goals in his first 46
contests.  That number ties him for second among NHL blueliners.

GOALTENDING

Dominik Hasek, Buffalo Sabres (14-16-6, 2.49, .919): 
Hasek went koo koo for cocoa puffs in December, tying an NHL
record with six shutouts.  See, that right there will get you on
an All-Star team.  He has seven shutouts overall, tying him with
Ed Belfour for the league lead.

Martin Brodeur, New Jersey Devils (26-9-1, 1.89, .922): 
Brodeur leads the league in wins (26) and save percentage (.922),
and is second in goal-against average (1.89).  The boys over at
the Hall of Fame are already polishing up his Vezina Trophy.

Tom Barrasso, Pittsburgh Penguins (17-8-6, 2.09, .918): 
The comeback player of the year, Barrasso has been his old
Stanley Cup-winning self in net for Pittsburgh.  While Brodeur is
good with the stick, no one is better than Barrasso at playing
the puck.  And no one can control a game with his catching glove
like Barrasso, either.  Using a junior-sized mit, Tommy snags
everything in sight like the staff of LCS at a complimentary
buffet.  

Western Conference

OFFENSE

Teemu Selanne, Anaheim Mighty Ducks (46-33-15-48):  It
looks like Paul Kariya isn't the savior after all.  With the
Ducks still sucking even after Kariya returned to the flock,
people are finally starting to realize that Selanne, who is tied
for the league lead in goals with 33, is every bit as good as the
young duckling.  In fact, while Kariya may be the more dynamic
scorer, Selanne is just the better overall player.  Take in all
aspects of the game, and it's really not even close.  

Theo Fleury, Calgary Flames (47-16-26-42):  No man is an
island.  Unless you're Theo Fleury.  Well, he's a small island,
but he's an island nevertheless.  Theo has to get lonely being
the only star in Calgary.  If you were to take away Theo and then
harness all the scoring talent in Calgary and turn it into
energy, you just might be able to toast a slice of bread... like,
a really thin slice.  Even without help, Theo is having a swell
year with 42 points.   

Tony Amonte, Chicago Blackhawks (44-15-26-41):  Amonte is
another guy that isn't exactly overwhelmed with talented
teammates.  The Chicago speedster is off a bit from his 41-goal
pace of last season, but he still brings the effort every night. 
Amonte's just developed into a tremendous all-around player. 
He's not your average goal-scoring superstar.  To truly
appreciate his game, watch him work without the puck.  He
forechecks hard, always finishes his checks, and never neglects
defensive responsibilities. 

Peter Forsberg, Colorado Avalanche (43-16-40-56):  Petey
leads the league in assists (40) and points (56).  He still
doesn't score as many goals as he should, and he seems to get a
little too comfortable just playing defense at times, but he's
still the game's most complete hockey player.  

Joe Sakic, Colorado Avalanche (46-20-29-49):  Sakic's
numbers are a bit down, but whose aren't?  And it's not like he's
a slacker.  Joe is sixth in league scoring with 20 goals and 49
points.  He's also tied for second with nine power-play goals and
leads the league in shots (185).  It's just that a little bit
more production would be appreciated.  Of course, part of the
problem is that he's been playing with a slumping Adam Deadmarsh
on one wing and a rotation of below average scorers on the other. 
The return of a healthy Keith Jones would help.  Put Joe between
Claude Lemieux and Valeri Kamensky every game and he'd be the
league's top scorer.      

Mike Modano, Dallas Stars (34-16-26-42):  Modano was at
the top of the charts before a questionable hit from Bryan
Marchment put him on the shelf with a knee injury.  Originally
expected to be out more than a month, Mikey Mo returned in about
three weeks.  Modano has since been finding the scoresheet at his
normal pace and is the driving force behind the top team in the
NHL.  

Brendan Shanahan, Detroit Red Wings (42-19-18-37):  Okay,
so he'll always be remembered as the guy who stabbed the Whale in
the blow hole.  Shanahan is still having yet another All-Star
campaign.  With the possible exception of Brett Hull, Shanny is
the best one-time shooter in hockey.  He's absolutely lethal from
the left circle on the power play, where's he's tied for second
in the league with nine goals.    

Steve Yzerman, Detroit Red Wings (47-12-25-37):  He leads
the Wings with 37 points.  Aw, that's just Stevie Y bein' Stevie
Y.  Screw Mark Messier, Yzerman is the best captain in hockey. 
He wouldn't bail on his mates for some worthless stacks of
folding green.  

Doug Weight, Edmonton Oilers (45-15-27-42):  With Andrei
Kovalenko falling off the face of the Earth and Jason Arnott
struggling mightily before his trade to New Jersey, Dougie Weight
hasn't had many people to pass to this season.  Yet he still has
27 assists and 42 points.  This guy could make a bag of donuts a
20-goal scorer.  

Jozef Stumpel, Los Angeles Kings (44-12-29-41):  Stumpel
is pretty special.  He isn't a complete player yet, but he can do
some nifty things with the puck.  He's teamed up with Luc
Robitaille to give the Kings at least some threat of an offense.  

Keith Tkachuk, Phoenix Coyotes (45-28-19-47):  How good as
Tkachuk been?  He just continues to establish himself as one of
the most feared scorers in the league, currently ranking third in
the league in goals (28) and eighth in points (47).  He's the
absolute best at working the front of the net.  Shots don't get
through without Inspector 7 giving his seal of approval, which
usually takes the form of a deflection behind the goaltender.    

Pavel Bure, Vancouver Canucks (45-26-25-51):  Don't look
now, but the Russian Rocket is back.  Maybe it's the presence of
Messier, or maybe it's the fact he has his old trusty number 10
on his sweater, but whatever the reason Bure is once again one of
the most exciting players on the planet.  Watching him in full
flight is a sight to behold.  And there may not be anything
cooler than witnessing Bure on a breakaway.  He comes in with so
much speed and holds the puck so long, that by the time he makes
his patented forehand move the goaltender doesn't have a prayer. 
Ask Stephane Fiset.  The Los Angeles netminder is still
recovering from the third-degree burns the Rocket gave him on
December 15 when Bure scorched the Kings for a hat trick,
including two breakaway goals.    

DEFENSE

Chris Chelios, Chicago Blackhawks (44-2-22-24):  The
Chicago captain had a miserable first few months of the season,
but the poor play was the result of him still trying to get over
the knee injury he suffered at the end of last season.  Now
pretty much fully recovered, Chelios has cranked it up over the
past few weeks and is playing like his old self.  

Derian Hatcher, Dallas Stars (42-5-15-20):  Two words
explain why the Stars are so good defensively: Derian Hatcher. 
The kid's phenomenal.  Instructional tapes could be made from an
average Hatcher shift.  

Sergei Zubov, Dallas Stars (47-6-29-35):  While guys like
Hatcher, Richard Matvichuk, and Craig Ludwig provide the Dallas
blue line with size and toughness, Zubov adds plenty of pep.  The
silky smooth Russian is simply one of the best skaters in the
game.  Combine his mobility with good vision of the ice and
incredible hands, and Zubov can jump start even the most sluggish
of attacks.  It's a shame he doesn't shoot the puck more because
he owns a howitzer from the point.  But even his reluctance to
shoot hasn't hurt his scoring numbers, as Zubie is tops among NHL
defensemen with 35 points.     

Nicklas Lidstrom, Detroit Red Wings (46-14-20-34):  Right
now, Lidstrom might be the frontrunner for the Hart Trophy.  It
was hard to imagine the Red Wings without Vladimir Konstantinov
on defense.  But instead of mourning the absence of his ailing
comrade, Lidstrom took it upon himself to become the leader along
the blue line.  The steady Swede leads all NHL defensemen in
goal-scoring with 14 and is second in points with 34.

Larry Murphy, Detroit Red Wings (47-5-29-34):  Murphy has
also picked up the slack left in the wake of Konstantinov's
accident.  Never known for his skating, Murphy's game hasn't
really diminished due to his advancing years.  Even at 36,
"Stationary Larry" can still be an impact player because of his
intelligence and veteran instincts.  His point production
certainly hasn't fallen off, as he is tied with Lidstrom for
second place among NHL defenders with 34 points.

Rob Blake, Los Angeles Kings (44-8-13-21):  Never mind
that he's leading a quiet resurgence in L.A., Blake deserves to
be an All-Star just for staying healthy for half a season.  

Steve Duchesne, St. Louis Blues (47-6-27-33):  Duchesne
has been traded five times in his career, but he always enjoys
success wherever he goes.  This season, in his second stint with
the Blues, Duchesne is once again putting up impressive numbers,
currently tied for fourth among NHL blueliners with 33 points.

Al MacInnis, St. Louis Blues (38-12-14-26):  The Big Daddy
Mac just keeps on trucking.  Even a separated shoulder wasn't
enough to knock him off stride, as he returned looking good as
new.  Among NHL defensemen, he's tied for second in goals (12)
and is sixth in points (26).

Chris Pronger, St. Louis Blues (47-6-14-20):  Pronger
rounds out the mighty triumvirate of St. Louis blueliners.  While
Duchesne and MacInnis provide the Blue Note with veteran smarts
and experience, Pronger delivers the youthful exuberance and
energy.  He routinely logs 30+ minutes a game, excelling in all
situations and beating the opposition senseless along the wall. 
He's currently tied for the league lead in plus-minus with a +24. 

GOALTENDING

Patrick Roy, Colorado Avalanche (17-6-12, 2.32, .921): 
Roy could just stand in net and never stop a shot and he'd still
make the All-Star team.  He's just that cool.  If you ever get a
chance to see Roy play in person, take it.  It's not often you
get the feeling of being in the same arena with greatness.  In
fact, myself and the staff of LCS just saw him play about a week
or so ago.  During a commercial break, while all the other fans
were milling around and the rest of the players were over near
the benches, Roy turned around, placed his gloves on the top of
the net, lifted up his mask, and stared up into the seats while
taking a swig of water.  As he looked up to my section, I leaned
forward in my seat and gave a nice "hey, how's it goin'" wave. 
Roy did a quick double take, then took another hit of the water. 
Yep, me and Patrick shared a little moment there.  We're tight
like that.     

Ed Belfour, Dallas Stars (22-6-8, 1.87, .910): Playing
goal for Dallas is like being our accountant.  There's not much
to do, but it looks good on a resume.  The Eagle considers it a
tough night's work if he faces 18 shots.  But lack of action
aside, Belfour is still getting the job done.  He leads the NHL
in goals-against average (1.87) and shutouts (7).  So that has to
count for something.

Chris Osgood, Detroit Red Wings (20-9-8, 2.16, .916): 
While it's a lot like the Dallas gig, Osgood is providing the
Wings with steady, if not spectacular, goaltending.  It's just
hard to argue with his numbers.  



------------------------------------------------------------------
The Lost Issue of LCS
------------------------------------------------------------------
by Michael Dell

As I'm sure some of you know, the LCS server was down for almost
the past month.  One of the casualties of the unfortunate event
was Issue 84.  Originally scheduled to come out on December 16,
the server went loopy just hours before publication.  

When the server finally got back online January 8, it seemed a
little late to put the issue up, especially since we had Issue 85
on the immediate horizon.  So what to do with Issue 84?  

Well, there was only one choice.  Issue 84 will be known as the
Lost Issue of LCS.  This way future generations can one day
stumble upon the issue and debate its significance and wonder
just what went wrong.

While the issue is lost, that doesn't mean you can't read it. 
The issue is online and good to go.  It's just set up in a zany
directory.  All you have to do is guess the mystery directory and
type it after the usual www.lcshockey.com/issues and you're in
like Flynn.  

In order to aid your journey, LCS commissioned a Leprechaun to
write a limerick concerning the whereabouts of the Lost Issue. 
Here's what the little fella came up with...
    

A baker's dozen you will need, 
to find the issue after 83.

The group contains three separate things, 
typed together in one long string.

First, the nickname of an evil foe, 
followed by a term for wind that flows.

Last you'll need an animal quite snappy, 
all in all, this would make Carl happy.

Decipher the clues from this lyrical mess, 
and you will enjoy the Lost Issue of LCS.


Aw, that was great, that was fun.  Well, there ya go.  All the
info you need is right there in that catchy little ditty.  Good
luck.


----------------------------------------------------------------
Top 50 Sitcom Characters of All-Time
----------------------------------------------------------------
by Michael Dell

This past week, The Hockey News, in all its journalistic
brilliance, published what they called "The Definitive List of
the Top 50 NHL Players of All-Time."  I for one am just overjoyed
that they produced such a "definitive list", saving all of us
mere mortals the grief of trying to formulate our own opinions
and beliefs.  Thank you, Hockey News!  

While we couldn't agree with The Hockey News' list, we also
couldn't help but notice all the media attention they were
getting for some overblown opinion piece.  Here at LCS, we may
not be that bright, but we seldom miss an opportunity to get our
names in the papers.  Whether it's the front page of the local
section or the police blotter, we're what you'd call "media
savvy".  So we thought, what the hell?  We can compile a list our
own damn selves and cash in on some of the senseless media hype. 

With that in mind, it gives us great pleasure to present the
definitive list of the top 50 sitcom characters of all-time! 
Some choices are obvious, others quite obscure.  But they're all
LCS.  And after all, this is the definitive list. 
Enjoy.

1. Latka Gravas, "Taxi":  It was a tough call, but in the
end Latka won out due to his bout with multiple personalities. 
Watching the shy foreign garage mechanic become playboy Vic
Ferrari, or Arlo the cowboy, or even his good buddy Alex Rieger,
was enough to carry Latka to the top.  Thank you very much.  In fact, 
the episode where Latka first transforms into Vic Ferrari, entitled 
"Latka the Playboy", remains the single greatest episode in television 
history. 

2. Maynard G. Krebs, "Dobie Gillis":  The role model for
all LCS staff members, Maynard was the beatnik with, like, the
most, dad.  When he wasn't listening to Thelonious Monk or
watching "The Monster that Devoured Cleveland", Maynard was doing
his best to avoid work... WORK!?!  

3. Mary Richards, "The Mary Tyler Moore Show":  Mary was
just so... so... Mary.  I'm not sure if she could turn the world
on with a smile or not, but she could sure as hell turn me on... 

4. Rob Petrie, "The Dick Van Dyke Show":  The creative
force behind "The Alan Brady Show", Rob was a true comedic
genius.  Plus, he was married to Mary Tyler Moore.  

5. Laura Petrie, "The Dick Van Dyke Show":  A young Mary
Tyler Moore... grrrrrowl.

6. Barney Fife, "The Andy Griffith Show":  Barney made the
streets of Mayberry safe while making us all laugh with his wacky
law-enforcement antics.  If there was ever a problem, he was sure
to nip it in the bud.

7. Larry Appleton, "Perfect Strangers":  Cousin Larry was
always trying to be something he wasn't, getting caught up in
lies and exotic schemes to impress his girlfriend Jennifer and
anyone else paying attention.  But in the end, just being Larry
was always more than enough.  He was a master of physical comedy
and the king of alliteration-filled dialogue.  Whatever the
situation, Larry always had a plan.  

8. Ted Baxter, "The Mary Tyler Moore Show":  It all
started in a 5,000-watt radio station in Fresno, California. 
With just a $50-a-week paycheck and a dream.  

9. Alex Rieger, "Taxi":  There were a lot of great
characters at the Sunshine Cab Company, but it all started with
Rieger.  He was the foundation on which the great ensemble cast
was built.

10. Maxwell Smart, "Get Smart":  Agent 86 was a lock for
the top ten.  But the top spot overall?  Well, let's just say he
missed it by that much.

11. Elliot Carlin, "The Bob Newhart Show":  Mr. Carlin can
teach us all a little something about being an abrasive,
sarcastic, smart-ass.  And for that, I am thankful.

12. Louie De Palma, "Taxi":  The gruff dispatcher gave all
the cabbies hell, but he was truly one of a kind.  There aren't
many characters in the history of television that showed as much
depth and sincerity as Louie. 

13. Ralph Kramden, "The Honeymooners":  Ralph was one of
television's first superstars.  The bus-driving everyman had a
universal appeal.  No matter how hard he strived to better
himself, Ralph just never seemed to get ahead.  But the more he
failed, the more we loved 'im.

14. Ed Norton, "The Honeymooners":  Ed was Ralph's true
blue pal and set the stage for just about every buddy team to
follow.  The world's most famous "sanitation engineer", Norton
always tagged along with Ralph's schemes but never failed to
bring the comedy.  

15. Dobie Gillis, "Dobie Gillis":  Dobie was all about
impressing the ladies.  It was his only goal in life.  Which made
him the perfect buddy for Maynard G. Krebs, someone who had no
goals whatsoever.            

16. ALF, "ALF":  ALF only number 16?  No problem!

17. Vinnie Barbarino, "Welcome Back, Kotter":  What?  You
don't think Vinnie belongs this high?  Up your nose with a rubber
hose!

18. J.J. Evans, Jr., "Good Times":  There's nothing to
fear, because J.J. is here.  Everything will be all right, so
says Kid Dy-NO-mite!  J.J. was the man.  The episode where he had
to paint a picture of a naked lady is an all-time classic.  

19. Jim Ignatowski, "Taxi":  Taxi's dominance of the
countdown continues with Reverend Jim.  There was much more to
the drugged-out stoner than met the eye.  Which pretty much was a
mark of all the great Taxi characters.  

20. Barth Gimble, "Fernwood 2-night":  While technically a
talk show parody and not a sitcom, Fernwood 2-night's host is
just too damn cool to be left out.  Martin Mull made this Johnny
Carson wanna-be a legend around the talk show circuit.  If you've
never seen Fernwood 2-night, do so immediately.    

21. Corporal Randolph Agarn, "F-Troop":  Bouncing from one
get-rich-quick scheme to the next with his buddy Sgt. Morgan
O'Rourke, Agarn was always looking for a way to beat the system. 
He also wore red thermals that were bad as hell.  

22. Mr. Ed, "Mr. Ed":  He was a talking horse that could
drive cars, fly airplanes, and surf!  'Nuff said.

23. Bob Hartley, "The Bob Newhart Show":  Bob Newhart's
brilliant timing and gift for understatement made it a joy to
watch Dr. Robert Hartley try and deal with the zaniness around
him.

24. Lou Grant, "The Mary Tyler Moore Show":  Lou is a
two-fisted drinker and the ultimate newsman.  And he hates
spunk... 

25. Danny Partridge, "The Partridge Family":  Another pioneer
in the field of get-rich-quick schemes, on the side Danny was one
mean bass player.  The time he and the family played a gig in
Harlem was inspired.  Watching Danny walk down the street with
his Black Panther-esque pals was pure bliss.

26. Rhoda Morgenstern, "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" and
"Rhoda":  Rhoda started out as Mary's wise-cracking neighbor
and soon became a cultural icon due to her hip sense of style. 
She made it cool for chicks to dress like pirates.  

27. Sam Malone, "Cheers":  The former Red Sox relief
pitcher made Cheers one of the all-time greats.  He was the
ladies man Dobie Gillis always wanted to be, and then some. 

28. Howard Borden, "The Bob Newhart Show":  Howard was the
original wacky nextdoor neighbor.  Constantly borrowing things,
seldom knocking, and always inviting himself to dinner, Howard
was the forefather of the modern day Kramer.

29. Herman Munster, "The Munsters":  Good ol' Herman was
somethin' special.  Not only was he the patriarch of one of
television's great families, at one time or another he became a
drag racer, a wrestler, a pop singing sensation, and just about
everything else in the book.  And he did it all wearin' some
kick-ass platform shoes and bolts in his neck.  

30. Sgt. Bilko, "The Phil Silvers Show":  Bilko was the
ultimate work-slacking con man and the frontrunner for guys like
Agarn, O'Rourke, and well, LCS.  He always found a way to make
the most profit with the least work.   

31. Fred Sanford, "Sanford and Son":  This ol' junkyard dog had 
to make the list, fool!        

32. Balki Bartokomous, "Perfect Strangers":  The naive
sheepherder from Mypos teamed with his Cousin Larry to create one
of the best duos in history.  Was there ever a chance Balki would
miss our list?  Of course not, don't be ridiculous...        

33. Patty Lane, "The Patty Duke Show":  Of the two identical
cousins, Patty was the wild and crazy one.  She gets the edge
over Cathy simply because, well, "a hot dog makes her loose
control."

34. Dick Louden, "Newhart":  Owner of a Vermont inn, writer of
how-to books, the host of his own local TV show... Dick Louden
was a man of many talents.  The best of which was still a classic
comedic delivery.  

35. Arnold Jackson, "Diff'rent Strokes":  If based solely
on his early work, Arnold would be top ten material.  However,
the longer the show ran, the more tarnished his image became. 
But we'll always try to remember him as the scrappy little orphan
fresh from Harlem. 

36. Homer Simpson, "The Simpsons":  Sure, he's a cartoon,
but he still counts.  Homer was pretty brutal in the show's first
season, but since then he's become everyone's favorite dim-witted
goofball.  

37. Gilligan, "Gilligan's Island":  Everyone's little
buddy, Gilligan made his exploits with his fellow castaways a 
staple of American culture.  

38. Chris Peterson, "Get A Life":  Often overlooked, Chris
Elliot's portrayal of the 30-year-old paper boy living over his
parents' garage is an everlasting monument to comedy.  Sure, the
second season when he moved out on his own was pretty lame at
times, but the first year was golden. 

39. Dr. Johnny Fever, "WKRP in Cincinnati":  Once fired from 
a radio station for saying the word "booger" on the air, a down-and-out 
John Caravella joined up with a floundering station in Cincinnati.  
When the station switched to a rock 'n' roll format, he was reborn as 
Dr. Johnny Fever and the face of radio on television was changed forever.    

40. George Jefferson, "The Jeffersons":  A self-made man,
George used his chain of dry cleaners to move out from Archie
Bunker's shadow and into a deluxe apartment in the sky.

41. Conrad Siegfried, "Get Smart":  Maxwell Smart's
archenemy, any episode with Siegfried in it is one for the ages.  

42. Kirk Morris, "Dear John":  Kirk made the one-to-one
club for divorcees at Rego Park an event each and every week.  A
habitual liar always on the make, Kirk was a single woman's worst
nightmare but a tremendous boon to comedy.

43. Jaun Epstein, "Welcome Back, Kotter":  The Sweat Hog voted
most likely to take a life, Epstein also owned the wackiest walk
in show business.  So why is he only number 43?  Well, I got a
note...

44. Fred Mertz, "I Love Lucy":  Lucy always received the
accolades, but Fred was the driving force behind perhaps the most
famous show in television history.  He was a cheap, ornery, ex-
vaudevillian with a heart of gold.  

45. Mr. Mooney, "The Lucy Show":  Mr. Mooney was all about
money.  As Lucy's banker and employer, he struggled to keep a
tight leash on the flighty red-headed spitfire.  If you listen
closely you can almost still hear him bellowing, "Mrs.
Carmichael!"

46. Colonel Klink, "Hogan's Heroes":  Klink was one suave
monocle-wearin', prison-camp-runnin' mother.  

47. Buddy Sorrell, "The Dick Van Dyke Show":  Buddy was a
walking joke file.  He had one-liners ready for any occasion. 
Remember that name... Buddy Sorrell... two r's, two l's, too
funny for words.     

48. Mr. Furley, "Three's Company:"  Don Knotts in a
leisure suit.  What more can you ask for?  

49. Nick Lobo, "Rhoda":  Not many people are familiar with
Nick Lobo, and he only appeared in bout five episodes of the
show, but he was something to behold.  The accordion playing
boyfriend of Rhoda's younger sister Brenda, Nick was money in the
bank whenever he made an appearance.  

50. Exidor, "Mork and Mindy":  Dressed like a modern day
prophet with a Moe haircut, Exidor was one of the first
Earthlings to befriend Mork.  Anytime the borderline madman made
an appearance, he stole the show.  

               
-----------------------------------------------------------------
LCS Holiday Hockey Tournament a Local Success
-----------------------------------------------------------------
by Joe Rossi

(EDITOR'S NOTE: Each year over the holidays, we hold an annual 
street hockey game to raise money for local charities.  This time 
the great Joe Rossi, an out-of-town freelance writer, and his 
photographer buddy Dennis Price were around to cover the action 
and peddle the story to a local newspaper.  We were given permission 
to reprint it, pictures and all.  So be sure to check out our website 
for the photos.  This story originally appeared in the January
3rd edition of the "Greensburg Picayune" and is being reprinted
with permission of the fine newspaper.)

Greensburg, Pennsylvania, isn't known for much.  Founded by
General Nathanael Green in 1786, the sleepy Pittsburgh suburb has
contributed little of global significance.  With a population
hovering around the 17,000-mark, Greensburg has never produced
any internationally known personalities or done anything to
secure a space among the pantheon of great cities.  However, that
could all change thanks to the work of four local entrepreneurs.

Back in June of 1994, Michael Dell, Jim Iovino, Matthew Secosky,
and a young man known only as Zippy the Wonder Chimp established
LCS: Guide to Hockey, an electronic newsletter and web site
(www.lcshockey.com) dedicated to the National Hockey League.  The
members of the group, who are all now 22 years of age, wanted to
provide an alternative to mainstream hockey coverage, with their
goal being to produce material that was, in their own words,
"informative as well as entertaining... 50/50, a little bit of
this, a little bit of that."

Over the past three and a half years, LCS has gained a large and
loyal following due to its informal approach to the game of
hockey.  Yet while readers across the globe have been able to
enjoy their work thanks to the internet, LCS' most important
contributions are occurring in their own backyard.

Each year over the Christmas holiday, LCS holds an annual street
hockey game to raise money for local charities and help bring
some much needed attention to their home town of Greensburg. 
Billed as the "Happy Birthday Baby Jesus Tournament", money
raised goes to help the local library, museum, and Jewish
synagogues.  The last one not because of any religious beliefs
but simply because, as editor-in-chief Michael Dell puts it, "We
just love irony."

Held each year on the tennis courts at Lynch Field, the game is
fast becoming a beloved local tradition.  The two teams, made up
of LCS employees and associates, do their best to entertain the
crowds with fast-paced, end-to-end action, featuring spirited
exchanges at both ends of the rink.  Fans come from far and wide
to witness the annual spectacle.  

"The wife and I woke up early this morning and drove four hours
to get here in time for the game," said one Jerry Hubbard, a 41-
year-old native of Greensburg who currently calls Fernwood, Ohio,
home.  "We wouldn't miss this thing for the world."  

The importance of the game isn't being lost on the local
government.  "We're extremely honored and proud to be known as
the home of LCS," said Greensburg mayor Carl Eisman.  "The game
is really becoming a tradition around here.  And those boys
really know how to put on a show.  They're four decent, clean-cut
young men.  I really can't say enough nice things about them. 
They're going to be really big stars."

"We just see the game as our way to give back to the community,"
says Dell.  "They've been a really big help to us over the
years... relaxing the public drunkenness laws and failing to
crack down on prostitution and whatnot.  So this is the least we
can do."

The game is always scheduled for Christmas day, but usually gets
pushed back for one reason or another.  This year the contest was
held on Friday, January 2.  As the crowd began to arrive for the
1 PM opening faceoff, the LCS staff was busy preparing the court. 
The remnants of a recent snowfall had rendered the one end a
slushy mess.  But it was nothing a few shovels and some hard work
couldn't fix.  Which just adds to the charm of this grassroots
publication.

"A lot of hockey publications, like The Hockey News for example,
wouldn't even bother to shovel off the snow," explains Ace
Reporter Jim Iovino.  "They'd probably just go home and smoke
some crack and beat their wives for not havin' their pot pie
ready... or, you know, whatever else they do in their spare time. 
But not us.  We're not scared to go the extra mile for our fans
and community.  I guess that's what really separates us from
publications like The Hockey News.  We care."

Once the court was cleared, it was time to get down to business
and give the fans what they came to see.  There were originally
12 players scheduled to appear at the event, but when two
participants got held up in transit, the game was started with
only the remaining 10 headliners.  Although one poor misguided
youth was selected from the crowd and allowed to participate in
order to fill out the teams.  Matthew Secosky explained the
unexpected addition by saying, "What the hell?  It's the
holidays."  He then pulled a metal flask out from under his
Chicago Blackhawks sweater and took a mighty swig.     

The rosters for the two teams, which are named Team Tradition and
Team Commercialism to illustrate the constant struggle between
the two holiday forces, read as a who's who of LCS.  Team
Tradition was anchored by editor-in-chief Dell in net, while
fellow founding fathers Secosky and Iovino were joined by Stat
Girl Nicole Agostino on offense.  When asked what it felt like to
be the only woman involved in the tournament, Agostino replied,
"I'm just happy to be allowed out of the kitchen."  The team was
rounded out on defense with LCS Pittsburgh Penguin correspondent
Brett Taylor and LCS International Chief Executive Sales
Associate Steve Wilson.  

Zippy the Wonder Chimp was the lone LCS staffer on the Team
Commercialism squad, but he was joined by local icons Shane
Griffin and Todd Teacher, who are both legendary for their
storied Lynch Field hockey careers.  Part-time LCS consultant
Dave Miller handled the goaltending chores, while the poor
misguided youth from the stands, known only as "JR", was added to
flesh out the squad until the reserves arrived.

Enjoying the continual five-on-four power play at the start of
the game, Team Tradition roared out of the gates to an early 4-0
lead behind the speed and quickness of Matthew Secosky.  Most of
the goals were scored on the rush, with Secosky storming wide on
right wing and beating Miller from in tight.  The dazzling
displays sent the crowd into a frenzy and made things appear
bleak for Team Commercialism.  Not only were they not scoring
goals, but Commercialism was struggling to even generate any
scoring chances whatsoever.  That all changed, though, thanks to
a fluke goal off the stick of Zippy the Wonder Chimp.  Zippy
launched an innocent looking slap shot from center court that
struck Dell in the chest before skipping over his shoulder and
into the cage.  

"That was pathetic," Dell would later summarize.  "But, hey, it's
for charity!"

With the score now 4-1, Commercialism picked up the tempo and
started to make a game of it.  Zippy, Griffin, and Teacher soon
started to swarm the Tradition net, pressuring the attack and
eventually cutting the lead to 5-4.  That's when Steve Wilson
took it upon himself to make a play.  The rugged backliner
pinched in deep on the left side and chipped a shot from the left
post over Miller to give Tradition back a two-goal advantage. 
The clubs would exchange goals one more time before agreeing to
take a 10-minute break.  At the intermission, Team Tradition led
7-5.  

By this point, it was clear that the fans were enjoying the show. 
As the players left the court for the intermission, the devotees
in attendance gave them a raucous ovation that was measured in
minutes.  With the other combatants resting themselves, Dell and
Secosky came back out and provided entertainment for the fans,
reciting inspirational poems and reenacting scenes from the movie
"SHAFT".  But while two of the club's stars revelled in the
applause of the fans, the intermission held some disastrous news
for Team Tradition.  Brett Taylor, the squad's standout
defensemen, became ill and was forced out of the lineup.  His
loss would prove to be costly.  Another harbinger of bad tidings
occurred a few minutes before the intermission when Ryan Gaffney,
a new face on the Lynch Field scene, finally arrived and replaced
the mysterious "JR" on the Commercialism roster, providing his
club with a major step up in talent.  These two events would soon
spell doom for Tradition.  

Although the teams were now at even-strength and playing four-on-
four, the second period opened up much as the first ended, with
Tradition increasing its lead thanks to more lightning quick
rushes from Secosky.  Iovino got into the act by hammering a slap
shot between Miller's pads to further secure Tradition's grasp on
the game, making the score 9-6.  However, the contest's momentum
was about to change.   

With Taylor no longer around to provide the steady stay-at-home
defense for Tradition, Team Commercialism gradually began to take
control.  To put it mildly, the floodgates were opened. 
Seemingly every trip up the court was a breakaway or an odd-man
rush.  While the crowd loved the wide-open action, Dell was
fighting for his life under the onslaught of scoring chances. 
The shots came in a steady stream, with one glorious opportunity
after another being sent Dell's way.  The crowd offered its
support to the frail butterfly netminder, chanting "Delly! 
Delly!  Delly!" with each passing save.  Thanks to some
spectacular goaltending, including a sensational goal-line theft
at the expense of Todd Teacher, Tradition still enjoyed a 12-11
lead as the game entered its fourth hour.  

Plans for a second intermission were scrapped much to the delight
of those in attendance when it was determined that putting a halt
to the breakneck pace of the game would have been criminal.  So
the teams decided to keep on playing without fail, electing to go
at it until one squad reached 15.  

While the game's marathon length was a dream come true for fans,
Team Tradition soon began to wilt with exhaustion.  It was clear
that Commercialism was the stronger squad.  The longer the game
wore on, the worse things got for Tradition.  The outcome seemed
inevitable.  As Zippy and crew continued to pour on the offense,
Tradition's scoring chances all but dried up.  And whenever
Secosky or Iovino managed to find an opening, Miller was there to
bail out his Commercialism teammates with the clutch save.  

While Miller was starting to shine at one end of the rink,
Tradition's goaltending began to crack.  As the scoring chances
continued to mount for Team Commercialism, Dell displayed signs
of fatigue, yielding two long snap shot goals to Griffin that put
Commercialism in front 14-13.  Moments later Zippy broke behind
the defense with a chance to end the game, but Dell rallied to
regain his technically sound butterfly style and denied the chimp
five-hole.  The save was a nice respite from doubt, but it was
obvious that it was only a matter of time.  

The game's deciding play started with another odd-man break for
Commercialism, with Gaffney bursting free down the left wing. 
Yet oddly enough, after all the unbelievable scoring chances over
the second half of the contest, the game-winner came when Gaffney
simply threw a rather meager shot on net from a bad angle.  Dell
went down to make the save, but the rebound hit some traffic
directly in front and skipped underneath the battered netminder
for the winner.  The goal was scored on Commercialism's 115th
shot of the game.  The final score: Commercialism 15, Tradition
13.

"That was awesome!" exclaimed Greensburg's own Billy McCormick,
12, who was one of many elated onlookers in the immense crowd. 
"That was better than any NHL game this season.  When I grow up I
want to be just like LCS!"

Not everyone was quite so enthusiastic about the contest.  "I
wasn't real happy with the game's outcome," admitted Dell
afterwards, as he and the rest of the LCS staff were besieged by
autograph seekers.  "We had the lead the entire time right up
until the end but just couldn't close the deal.  We pretty much
ran out of gas... or for our European friends, petrol.  But it
was for charity and the fans seemed to enjoy themselves.  So
that's all that really matters.  Plus, we did beat the hell out
of Zippy... so that's pretty cool."
       
Yes, the game was played for charity, but that doesn't mean
things didn't get a little rough at times.  And Zippy was clearly
the target of all the aggression.  Patterning himself after his
hero Claude Lemieux, Zippy is famous for getting under the
opposition's skin.  This all culminated in a serious brawl near
the end of the game.  Dell had covered the ball, but Zippy
continued to relentlessly dig at his glove.  That's when Agostino
stepped in and belted Zippy with a straight left hand.  Iovino
and Secosky then came to their teammate's aid, pulling Zippy's
jersey over his head and pummeling him senseless.  All the while
Zippy's teammates looked on without offering the slightest hint
of backup.    

"It's all part of the game," a dazed Zippy would later say. 
"Claude would be proud."

When informed of Zippy's comments, Iovino was quick to respond. 
"Claude Lemieux my ass!" he snapped.  "Try Geoff Courtnall.  Or
weasel boy Slava Kozlov.  I can't believe I shook his freakin'
hand."

Brief moments of animosity aside, the afternoon was an
unprecedented success.  Money was raised for charity, fans got to
enjoy some incredible hockey, and the staff of LCS further
cemented itself in the local folklore.  A few more events like
this one, and it won't be long before Greensburg is on the map. 
And the envy of all.
                      

------------------------------------------------------------------         
Date Set for "Maul at the Mall"
------------------------------------------------------------------
by Michael Dell

As many of you, our valued readers, know, earlier this season I
challenged Peter Karmanos, the blood-sucking leach that owns the
Carolina Hurricanes, to a fight.  The deal was that if I were to
beat Karmanos, LCS: Guide to Hockey would take over as the owners
of the Hurricanes.  At which time we would immediately move the
club back to Hartford and bring joy to all the kingdom.  If
Karmanos won the fight, he would gain possession of the vast LCS
Hockey fortune, which includes such treasures as a complete
collection of "ALF" episodes on BETA and a big barrel of grain
alcohol.    

Several months have passed since my initial challenge and we
still haven't heard word one from Karmanos.  Which just proves
he's yella.  Since I first proposed the winner-take-all brawl,
however, a few factors have changed.  In light of the Hurricanes
recently trading Geoff Sanderson and Sean Burke to Vancouver, I
am no longer putting up the whole collection of "ALF" tapes.  The
episodes where he attends the costume party with the zipper on
his belly, digs a hole in the backyard and hallucinates about
"Gilligan's Island", and the one where Brian sings that asparagus
song are no longer on the table.  Hey, fair is fair.  

I've also come to the realization that Karmanos is definitely
ducking me somethin' fierce.  If left up to him, this scrap would
never get off the ground.  So in order to help the fight along, I
have already set a date, secured the arena, and started preparing
the proper exploitation.  

Wake the kids, call the neighbors... the fight will take place on
Wednesday, February 4, at good ol' Greengate Mall in Greensburg,
PA.  It's only fitting that the man who savagely harpooned the
once great franchise that skated in a mall meet his maker at a
similar shopping center.    

For those not familiar with the thriving metropolis of
Greensburg, Greengate Mall is sort of the town's bastard child. 
Long neglected for its larger, more modern cross-town rival,
Westmoreland Mall, Greengate has fallen on some hard times.  With
each passing day it's becoming more of an abandoned warehouse
than a mall.  Stores are splittin' like rats off a sinking ship. 
Tumbleweeds outnumber customers.  If things were any more
deserted, you'd need a canteen and a camel to shop.  Hey, I'm
just sayin' business is slow, that's all.  

When contacted about the possibility of Greengate hosting the
fight, William Prescott, the mall's chief operating advisor, was
eager to cooperate.  "So, like, since this is a fight, I'm
guessing they'll be at least two people inside the mall on the
Wednesday night in question, correct?" inquired Prescott. 
Realizing how that would practically double the usual Wednesday
night traffic, Prescott hurriedly responded, "Where do I sign?"   

With the venue locked up, the next step is to get the word out on
the streets.  All big fights need a catchy name.  That's, like,
rule number one in fight promotion.  I picked it up watchin' that
Don King movie on HBO.  You need somethin' that rolls off the
tongue, yet takes root in the subconscious.  Somethin' that has
theatrical appeal, yet still looks good on t-shirts.  So with
that in mind, I have decided on a moniker for the monumental
melee... "The Maul at the Mall"!  Following in the footsteps of
the "Thrilla in Manilla" and the "The Rumble in the Jungle", "The
Maul at the Mall" promises to be a once-in-a-lifetime event that
will surely rewrite history books and shake civilization to its
very foundation.  Only in America, baby!  Only in America!  Or,
you know, Canada... and maybe Sweden... yeah, this could
definitely fly in Sweden.      
   
The rules for the fight are slightly different from that of a
regular boxing match.  First, there are no rules.  Which makes it
pretty hard to cheat.  Second, there's no ring.  The fight will
start at center court on the lower level, but from there it's
anyone's guess.  The entire mall is open for business.  We could
end up throwin' blows in the back of "Chick-Fil-A" by the time
the smoke clears.  Finally, one man is declared the winner when
his opponent either gets knocked unconscious, taps out due to
some wack-ass submission hold, or runs away screaming like a
little school girl.  Which I think, oddly enough, is how Martin
Van Buren was elected President.  

The fight is scheduled for 8 PM.  Come early.  Bring a friend. 
Tickets will be sold at the door for $5.00 or in advance over the
phone for $3.50.  All proceeds will go to help us buy liquor for
the victory party.  Write us for further ticket information.  

Anyway, it should be quite the evening of fun-filled, family
entertainment.  Stay tuned to the pages of LCS for updates as the
fight date approaches.  
              
(NOTE: Check out the website for the official fight poster.)


    _____________________________________________________
                        CREDITS
   
    Michael Dell........................Editor-in-Chief
    Zippy the Wonder Chimp.................Computer Boy
    Jim Iovino.............................Ace Reporter
    Matthew Secosky............................Whatever 
    Dan Hurwitz.............Force for Cultural Hegemony
    John Kreiser.....................Featured Columnist
    David A. Feete......................Featured Writer
    Alex Carswell.................Anaheim Correspondent
    Matt Brown.....................Boston Correspondent
    Joe Brunner...................Buffalo Correspondent
    Tony Wong.....................Calgary Correspondent
    Brad Kane....................Carolina Correspondent
    Dan Glovier...................Chicago Correspondent
    Greg D'Avis..................Colorado Correspondent
    Jim Panenka....................Dallas Correspondent
    Dino Cacciola.................Detroit Correspondent
    Simon D. Lewis...............Edmonton Correspondent
    Eric A. Seiden................Florida Correspondent
    Matt Moore................Los Angeles Correspondent
    Jacques Robert...............Montreal Correspondent
    Phil Aromando..............New Jersey Correspondent
    David Strauss...............Islanders Correspondent
    Alex Frias....................Rangers Correspondent
    The Nosebleeders..............Ottawa Correspondents
    Eric Meyer...............Philadelphia Correspondent
    Whoever.......................Phoenix Correspondent
    Joe Ashkar..................St. Louis Correspondent
    Al Swanson...................San Jose Correspondent
    Seth Lerman.................Tampa Bay Correspondent
    Jonah Sigel...................Toronto Correspondent
    Carol Schram................Vancouver Correspondent
    Jason Sheehan..............Washington Correspondent
    Tricia McMillan...................AHL Correspondent
    _____________________________________________________

    LCS Guide to Hockey, Issue 85, January 13, 1998. 
    Email address: sportif@oak.westol.com  Good ol' postal 
    address: 632 Hempfield Street, Greensburg, PA 15601.  
    Web Site:  http://www.lcshockey.com/ open 24 hours a day.
    AOL Keyword: "LCS" or "LCS Hockey", exclusive coverage.
    _____________________________________________________


----------------------------------------------------------------------
Getting Stale
----------------------------------------------------------------------
by Jim Iovino

Perhaps former Vancouver Canucks goaltender Kirk McLean described
his situation best when he said he was "getting stale".  And what
better way to spruce up a career than with a trade. 

The Canucks and Carolina Hurricanes exchanged five moldy players
last week in a deal that should freshen up both clubs.  The Canucks
shipped McLean and left winger Martin Gelinas down south for goalie
Sean Burke, left wing Geoff Sanderson and defenseman Enrico
Ciccone.  

Sanderson and Burke were practically begging for a new rink to call
home, while McLean and Gelinas would gladly welcome a new team to
start things over with.  All four players were, as McLean said,
getting stale in their present environments, so a trade was
probably a good thing for all involved.  

Trade Analysis

<I>What the Hurricanes got:</I>

Kirk McLean was once the backbone of the Canucks franchise.  He was
the goalie who took the team to a Game Seven in the Stanley Cup
Finals against the New York Rangers in 1994.  He was the Canucks�
starter between the pipes for over 10 seasons. He is the Canucks
franchise leader in wins, games played, shutouts and playoff games
played.  

But the Kirk McLean of today isn�t the same Kirk McLean that shined
during the 1994 Stanley Cup Finals. Since that time, McLean had
surgery on both of his knees in each of the last two seasons. 
While he was never the most acrobatic netminder in the league,
McLean did find it hard to return to his previous form after the
operations.  With Vancouver this season, McLean�s goals-against
average ballooned to 3.68 and his save percentage dropped to .879,
both were the worst of any starting goaltender in the league at
that time.  

Of course, the Vancouver defensive system has been less than kind to
McLean.  If the Canucks wore those red third jerseys they had last
season they�d be mistaken for pylons more times than not.  McLean is
hoping the ice isn�t tilted to his side in Carolina like it was at GM
Place.  

McLean won�t be the only goaltender the Hurricanes will rely the
rest of the season.  Trevor Kidd has been impressive at times in
his first season away from Calgary and is liked by the coaching
staff.  Because of his fine play, he was sharing time in net with
Burke, a situation that will continue with McLean on the roster.
The competition between Burke and Kidd sometimes distracted the
team from other things.  Trading Burke was supposed to eliminate
the problem, but it remains with the addition of McLean.  McLean
also has another year on his contract.  Burke will be an
unrestricted free agent after this season.  

Martin Gelinas, like McLean, will have fond memories to look back on
of his time in Vancouver.  After toiling with several other teams in
the league, Gelinas thought he found a home in Vancouver.  He strung
together a couple back-to-back 30-goal efforts the past two years and
was named Team MVP after last season.  But early this season Gelinas
went on the shelf with a knee injury.  After missing 16 games he
returned to the lineup but couldn�t find his scoring touch.  In 24
games with the Canucks, Gelinas scored four goals and four assists.
Those numbers didn�t make head coach Mike Keenan happy, so he was
given the boot.  

Gelinas should fit right into the Hurricane lineup.  He�s tough and
gritty, and is more of a better overall player than Sanderson is. 
Especially since Sanderson didn�t do much of anything this season. 
Gelinas plays hard in both ends of the ice.  He�s the type of
player that can quickly become a fan favorite.  And if there were
any fans in the Greensboro Coliseum, they would probably like him.
 

<I>What the Canucks got:</I>

Sean Burke could make Mike Keenan a happy man.  Well, for a little
while, at least.  No one can imagine Keenan being happy for long
periods of time...  The reason Keenan might be joyous is that Burke
is a starting goalie who loves to play all time.  The more he
plays, the better he plays.  

Keenan loves goaltenders that he can put in the starting lineup for
weeks at a time without needing a rest. Grant Fuhr flourished under
Keenan in St. Louis several years back.  Ed Belfour did the same in
Chicago. All of this could lead to a great mix in Vancouver -- as
long as Burke�s back holds up, that is...  

Burke didn�t play bad in Carolina.  The man can still stop pucks. 
But the fact that he knew he would be traded even before the start
of the season weighed heavily on his mind.  So did the arrest for
allegedly abusing his wife.  Burke was also upset that he had to
split time in goal with Kidd.  Burke had been the Whale�s backbone
for a long time, and the thought of sharing the net with Kidd
didn�t go over too nicely with him.  

Burke now has the opportunity to showcase his abilities on a full
time basis in Vancouver.  This should not only help him get back
into the groove, but increase his leverage at the bargaining table
this summer when he becomes a free agent.  If he plays outstanding
hockey the rest of the season, a hefty paycheck should be waiting
for him down the road.  

By the time the trade between the Canucks and Hurricanes was
announced, it was quite clear that Geoff Sanderson was ready for a
change.  His heart just wasn�t in his team anymore, and it showed
on the score sheet.  Sanderson, who scored more than 40 goals in
back-to-back seasons in the early 1990s, struggled to get seven in
40 games with the former Whale this season.  

Over the past couple seasons, Sanderson has had to deal with the
sale of the Hartford Whalers, the relocation to Carolina, the loss
of his centerman Andrew Cassels and the lack of fan support in
Greensboro. Sometimes a player just needs to move on and find a new
place to call home.  Sanderson�s time to go was now.  

Sanderson still has a cannon of a shot and some great moves.  That
means he should fit in well with the talented offensive players the
Canucks already have in the lineup like Mark Messier, Pavel Bure
and Alexander Mogilny.  Pairing up Messier and Sanderson could
really light a spark under the left wing and get his career back on
track.  But for now Sanderson�s been seeing time on a line with
Trevor Linden.  

The addition of Enrico Ciccone to the goon department makes the
Canucks a lot scarier.  Ciccone, who isn�t afraid to drop the
gloves (or take a stupid penalty), joins the likes of Donald
Brashear and Gino Odjick, who already strike fear into many
opponents.  

But while Ciccone adds more thug life to the mix, his defense is
rather suspect.  He was a +3 with the Hurricanes, but with him in
the lineup the Canes were 1-11-1.  Ouch.  Much of that is due to
Ciccone�s keen ability to take dumb penalties at the most
inopportune times.  How�s the saying go?  He�s not the smartest
banana in the bunch?  

Overall, the trade should help both teams.  The Canucks get a solid
starting goaltender and a potential 40-goal scorer.  The Hurricanes
get more grit, feistiness and scoring up front and an experience
veteran goaltender in return.  

The trade was the first big one for Czar Keenan, but it might not be
the last.  Rumors abound that have former team captain Trevor Linden
getting the boot before too long.  Keenan said Linden has been
playing at only half speed.  And when Keenan gets on someone�s case
for poor play and he doesn�t respond, it�s only a matter of time
before he has a new address.  Look for more moves out of Vancouver.
 

The Hurricanes have also been trying to ship off expensive loose
ends.  Carolina dealt defenseman Jeff Brown, and his $2.1 million
salary, to the Toronto Maple Leafs for a fourth-round draft pick. 
The pick could be upgraded to a third rounder if the Leafs re-sign
Brown over the offseason.  Brown and Ciccone were dealt to create
room on the Hurricane blue line.  With the addition of Sean Hill a
few weeks ago, Carolina was left with a logjam on defense.  There
were eight defensemen and only six positions open. Hence, Brown and
Ciccone were dealt.  

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Let's All Do the Oiler Shuffle
--------------------------------------------------------------------
by Jim Iovino

Following a first round upset of the Dallas Stars in last season's
playoffs, there were great expectations of the Edmonton Oilers. 
There was good reason for the optimism in Edmonton.  The Oilers
were a young, fast and talented team that had plenty of upside and
plenty of room for improvement.  

But something happened to the Oiler franchise from Game 7 of the
Dallas series to the beginning of this season.  The lineup was
basically the same, but there was a big difference between their
on-ice showings. Last season the Oilers were slick.  This season
they were more like sludge.  

Oiler GM Glen Sather, never one to just sit back and let his payroll
produce duds, felt that a drastic change was needed before the season
could be considered a total write-off.  And so after a few simple
phone calls, Sather changed nearly half of his roster.  

Jason Arnott and Bryan Muir were sent to New Jersey for Bill Guerin
and Valeri Zelepukin; Bryan Marchment, Steve Kelly and Jason
Bonsignore were shipped to Tampa Bay for Roman Hamrlik and unsigned
draft pick (and Edmonton native) Paul Comrie; Drew Bannister was
traded to Anaheim for Bobby Dollas; and Tony Hrkac was picked up on
waivers from the Dallas Stars.  

And just like that, there is hope again in Edmonton of another
playoff miracle in 1998.  Let's look and see exactly who got what
and how it will help each team.  

Trade Analysis

<I>What the Oilers got:</I>

The Oilers played Let's Make a Deal with these trades, exchanging
one underachiever with tremendous upside (Jason Arnott) for another
(Roman Hamrlik).  Gone is Jason Arnott, who after breaking Jari
Kurri's rookie goal-scoring record with 33 in 1993-94, hadn't lived
up to the expectations placed on him by the team, fans and media.
 

In return, the Oilers acquired Bill Guerin.  Guerin, 27, had
contract problems and philosophical differences in New Jersey and
allegedly only signed with the team so he could play in the
Olympics.  In 19 games with the Devils this season, Guerin scored
just five goals and 10 points.  But now that he's out of Jersey and
Jacques Lemaire's stifling defensive system, it could be time for
the power forward to explode onto the scene like some thought he
would several years ago.  The Oilers play a wide open offensive
game, so Guerin should get plenty of opportunities to display his
talents on the fast, smooth ice in Edmonton.  

Valeri Zelepukin is a defensive-minded forward that should help the
Oilers on special teams and at even strength.  Zelepukin was on the
Devils' top checking line for most of the season.  But Sather is
hoping that Zelepukin can also help in another area with the
Oilers: team chemistry.  Zelepukin and Andrei Kovalenko played
together during the World Cup, and the pair seems to be excited
about playing together again in Edmonton.  Rem Murray is centering
the two Russian wingers.  Kovalenko has more jump in his legs, and
the Oilers hope that jump leads to more goals.  After scoring 32
last season, he has only found the back of the net three times.
 

Chemistry might also help Guerin get back on the right track.  He
and Doug Weight played together on the US World Cup team, and are
hoping for the same success in Edmonton.  Weight lost one of his
best friends in Arnott, so it should be interesting to see how he
reacts the rest of the season.  

Roman Hamrlik is an enigma.  He has all the tools to be one of the
best defensemen the game has seen in a long time, but he's known
more for being a Metallica fan than anything else.  Hamrlik wore
out his welcome in Tampa Bay, so it will be interesting to see how
the 22-year-old responds to being traded.  So far, things seem to
be going well.  Hamrlik has been lined up next to Boris Mironov on
the point during Oiler power plays, and the two are clicking.  Add
in Guerin down low with Weight and Ryan Smyth, and Edmonton looks
to have a formidable No. 1 power play unit.  

The trade for Bobby Dollas is a direct response to the exiting of
Bryan Marchment.  With Marchment's absence, the Oilers lacked a big
physical defenseman.  Dollas publicly requested a trade, and the
Oilers were happy to take him off of the Ducks' hands.  

Tony Hrkac (doesn't rhyme with gherkin) is a career minor league who
happened to get a chance a few weeks back with the Dallas Stars when
the team was struck with injuries.  Hrkac impressed many during his
limited opportunity, enough so that when the Stars tried to send him
back down to the minors through waivers, the Oilers quickly snagged
him up and stuck him on the big team's roster.  Hrkac has scored
seven goals (11 points) in 16 games this season.  

<I>What the Devils Got:</I>

As mentioned above, Jason Arnott has a ton of potential, but hasn't
found the right way to show it off yet. The 23-year-old center is
already a veteran, this being his fifth season and all, and has the
size to match up well with any other center in the Atlantic
Division.  Think of him as New Jersey's answer to the Flyers'
acquisition of Chris Gratton over the offseason.  

For now, however, Arnott is playing on a wing beside Doug Gilmour. 
The Devils feel that Arnott's confidence was at an all-time low at
the time of his departure from Edmonton, and some time with a
veteran like Gilmour would do him a world of good.  Arnott scored
only five goals, 18 points and was a -16 during his 35 games with
the Oilers this season.  

The one downside of Arnott is that he's in the last year of his
contract, and could ask for Chris Gratton type money after the
season.  The Devils will have to decide if they want to keep him or
not, considering they just handed out big bucks to Scott Stevens,
Martin Brodeur and Randy McKay and are also looking to re- sign
Gilmour.  

Bryan Muir showed some promise during the playoffs last year
against the Stars.  He's a 6-foot-4, 220-pound defenseman who
hasn't played in the NHL yet this season.  He will begin his Devils
career in Albany.  

<I>What the Lightning Got:</I>

The Lightning finally gave up on Roman Hamrlik, so they had to hunt
for a buyer for their most valuable commodity.  The Lightning went
a dull route with the acquisition of Bryan Marchment, Steve Kelly
and Jason Bonsignore.  

Marchment grabbed headlines recently for his questionable checks on
Dallas players.  He submarined both Mike Modano and Greg Adams,
almost guaranteeing a bounty on his own head the next time he faces
the Stars.  Marchment is big and physical.  He's a solid NHL
blueliner that should immediately help out the Lightning defense,
which is constantly under stress due to a lack of scoring up front.
 

Kelly will be counted on to add some of that scoring.  The
Lightning have been devastated on offense this season, losing
Johnny Cullen, Brian Bradley and others for long periods of time
to injuries or other factors.  Kelly, a 21-year-old center possesses
a lot of speed and a lot of skill. He was a prolific scorer in
juniors, but it remains to be seen whether he can produce at the
NHL level. Kelly isn't all that bruising, though.  So don't expect
many big hits from him.  He will occasionally stick his nose into
places it doesn't belong, however, which is a good sign.  

Like so many young players before and after him, Bonsignore came out
of the 1994 draft being touted as the next Mario Lemieux.  His size
and skill were similar to Lemieux's, but Bonsignore wasn't ready to
jump right into the NHL.  That might have hurt his confidence some,
but whatever the reason, Bonsignore has been a disappointment at the
NHL level.  The good news is that the 6-foot-4 center is only 21 and
still has time to turn into a decent player. 

<i>What the Ducks got:</i>

Drew Bannister is a tall, lanky defenseman that is still trying to
find his niche in the NHL.  The problem is that every time
Bannister starts to feel comfortable in an NHL city, he gets
traded.  Bannister has only played around 100 games in the NHL, but
he's already on his third team.  Bannister has some good offensive
skills and the Oilers liked him, but the addition of Roman Hamrlik
meant Bannister was expendable.  

The Ducks are going to a youth movement on defense, so Bannister
should fit in well there.  At least until they decide to change
their plans, that is... 


------------------------------------------------------------------
Jocelyn Thibault: The Man Who Never Gives Up
------------------------------------------------------------------
by Jacques Robert

Things can evolve so rapidly in the wonderful world of hockey. 
One year a player is not even good enough to secure the starting
job away from a rookie farmhand.  The next season, he is so
idolized that the superb overall performances of his team are
attributed to him, the very same guy who was hated not so long
ago.  We are talking about Jocelyn Thibault, of course, the
number-one goalie of the Montreal Canadiens who is greatly
responsible for the Habs' strong start this season.

Jocelyn has come such a long way since Christmas '97. Remember:
last year, before Christmas, reporters were prompt to write that
this Montreal native was no longer able to take the pressure. 
That when his teammates need him to make the big save to stay in
a game, he chokes.  Now it is those same reporters who are
choking on their words.     

As a matter of fact, in the current season, few things have
changed in Thibault's playing style. The big modification appears
to in his approach to the mental game.  This 23-year-old goalie
has gained confidence along the way and now hangs in there at the
most critical points of his young career.  He no longer seems to
get rattled.  Yes, experience is a wonderful thing.  

Felix Potvin Came Close To Replacing Thibault

Flashback on the last playoffs.  Thibault gave way to Jose
Theodore, a 20-year-old rookie fresh from Juniors. In the
Canadiens' entourage, barely anyone was expecting that Thibault
would be back in the lineup for the '97-'98 season.  Toronto's
Felix Potvin was even rumored to join the team.  

Yet luckily, nothing happened!  Except that in the meantime coach
Mario
Tremblay had no choice but to resign and was later replaced by
Alain Vigneault and his boys: Clement Jodoin, Dave King and
Roland "Rollie the Goalie" Melanson.  Vigneault was downright:
confidence is key to success. And Melanson made a big difference
in Thibault's metamorphosis.

Good Communication Makes The Difference

"Rollie the Goalie" was very instrumental in helping Thibault
become more confident. If Thibault was not particularly
supervised by the former coaching staff, this year Melanson,
along with Andy Moog, the veteran netminder who brought in his
experience of three Stanley Cups, took charge of Jocelyn's game.
Results: drawbacks were fixed and now he keeps his torso upright,
he is no longer terrible with his rebounds, which he now properly
directs to his teammates, and, above all, Jocelyn has simplified
his techniques by not making the easy saves more difficult than
they truly are.

"It all comes down to confidence! I'm not a better goalie... I
know that my performances are also due to my teammates' efforts.
They know that they can trust me, and I know that my defensemen
are committed to playing defense," says Thibault.
 
Guys like Patrice Brisebois and Vladimir Malakhov are playing
good hockey these days and it's little wonder that this new
attitude being demonstrated by the defense, as well as by the
entire team, reflects on Thibault's performances.  

Thibault Can Take The Pressure This Year

In addition, there's not much competition between Thibault and
Moog.  Moog knows that he is in Montreal to help out.  He has
nothing to prove along the St. Lawrence River.  He only has to
make sure that Thibault gains enough confidence to become the
goalie who can lead the team to a Stanley Cup. 

Last year, the constant stress as to whether or not Thibault was
number one or number two in the net didn't help create a good
atmosphere in the dressing room.  Moog's presence clearly defines
the situation.

As the Montreal Canadiens (2nd in the Northeast division) are
tackling the second quarter of the season, Thibault is posting a
11-7-4 record with a 2.36 goals-against average, placing him
among the top NHL goalies.  Moog is also doing more than baby-
sitting, posting an 13-9-2 record and a 2.31 goals-against.

What makes Jocelyn Thibault a special guy is that he never lets
the pressure get to him.  Win or lose, he is a soft-spoken young
man and always critical of his own game.  The other day, as he
had just shut out the LA Kings, he declared, "I didn't surrender
any goals, but it may have been (...) next practice, I should
focus on clearing the puck faster in front of me."

Montreal: Where Jocelyn Wants to Play

Jocelyn Thibault is a very hard worker.  There is no doubt that
he wants to make the fans forget about Patrick Roy. The fans have been
hard on Jocelyn, even bombarding him with quarters early this
season when the Habs were playing a bad game. No matter what...
Thibault is not bitter. 

"Being a French Canadian player in Montreal is everything but
easy... In Montreal you are only as good as your previous game. I
have to get used to it. Montreal is the place I call home. And I
want to play here. That's the price to pay."
 
The shoulder injury he recently received against the Bruins (Jan.
7) will in no way affect Thibault's confidence. As a matter of
fact, no physical injuries will be matching the pain he felt last
year as he was the Habs' scapegoat under Tremblay's reign. 

Undoubtedly, Jocelyn Thibault is a happy man. As he stated
recently to a Montreal reporter, "I'm not going to the Olympics.
I'm not even going to the All-Star Game, but the way I feel right
now, I can become the goaltender I always wanted to be."

That says it all.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------
MCI Center Ain't All That
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
by Meredith Martini

(EDITOR'S NOTE: This article originally ran in the Lost Issue, but is being 
reprinted for the good of all)

OK, so they opened the brand spanking new MCI Center while
squawking at length about how wonderful, terrific and modern it
would be. Turns out they didn't even learn anything from
the primary delay in constructing the building, but we'll get
back to that.
 
Opening night for the Capitals at the MCI Center was a decided
disappointment.  President Clinton didn't show; the best the Caps
could get was VP Al Gore and isn't that just emblematic of the
Capitals' existence? The game was announced as a sellout; that
announcement is an organic by-product of a male member of the
cattle family. Seventy-five, maybe eighty percent capacity. For
opening night. The first game. The one you'll be telling people
you went to...supposedly anyway.
     
That is, if you can prove you went, which I'll have trouble with
since someone with enough money to pay for a $60 ticket was too
cheap to buy a $5 program and instead opted to steal my Inaugural
Game program while I visited the admittedly very nice women's
room. 
         
And while granted NHL hockey is a darned expensive pastime, this
is ridiculous. The cheap seats consisted of two rows at the top
of the building, maybe a couple hundred seats, for $19. The next
four rows? $30. The rest of the upper deck? $40. $40 dollars to
sit several stories above the ice and see tiny, distant figures
scoot about the ice surface. Who are they kidding? 
          
The game itself? That is, what could be seen from the last row of
the building?  "Unexciting," noted 15-year season ticket holder
Ginger Connolly. "The Capitals didn't play with much, well, the
first period they were pretty unexciting, they picked up a little
in the third period."
    
And Connolly is very clear as to what she thinks of the new digs:
"I do NOT like the MCI Arena!" she states emphatically. "Poor
planning, very bad for the physically challenged, lots of
obstructed view, bad elevators. I'm very unimpressed by the new
arena."
    
She wasn't alone in her opinion, either.  The scoreboard was
unreadable from the 'cheap' seats and the telescreen was not
exactly high quality. "When you're watching that screen, don't
you feel like you're watching somebody's home movie?" asks
Barbara Parker.
     
"They look like 8mm home movies," concurs her husband, Bruce.
"I've seen pucks that I thought should have been icing that
stopped in the middle of the faceoff circles on the way down. 
I'm ready to go back to USAirways Arena or Capital Center or
whatever they want to call it."
          
Oh yeah, that last row of the entire building?  It's six floors
up.  That's accessible seating.  For real. 
    
A lawsuit by the Paralyzed Veterans of America held up building
construction for several months as the PVA succeeded in proving
the building as designed would be quite unfriendly to those with
disabilities. Although that lawsuit remains in active litigation,
Washington Sports and The Washington Post both
announced the suit had been settled. And despite that and several
other similar suits filed prior to the building's opening, not
only were two of the 'accessible' areas completely inaccessible
but that's where the Capitals opted to put their longtime
accessible seating season ticket holders, including Connolly and
the Parkers.   
      
Thus Barbara, who is confined to a wheelchair while she
recuperates from surgery, had just barely enough room for her
chair...and saw absolutely nothing each time the able-bodied fans
in front of her moved, which was often. They routinely crawled
over her for a shortcut to the bathroom. Furthermore, the ledge
which was deemed 'accessible' had no rail or edge to prevent
her from rolling right off the landing and down 20 rows. "When
you're in a wheelchair and it's fifteen minutes before game time,
all you see are bodies," she frets. "I haven't seen anything of
this arena yet, and I can only see half the game because...of the
people sitting in front of me."
     
The aforementioned bad elevators? Programmed to favor the club
level uber alles.  The Parkers weren't permitted to use the
elevators before or after the game; beats us how they're supposed
to get the sixth floor. Even Peter Bondra couldn't get into the
elevator. A 15-minute wait just to get into the elevator meant no
food or drink during the game, not that one could afford it.
($6.50 for a beer. That should sober up a few people in more ways
than one.) And Bruce Parker didn't have a chair to sit in until
after numerous complaints were issued to management.  
     
Meanwhile, other longtime users of accessible seating at the
USAir Arena found themselves expected to squeeze past 20 seated
people without falling over the next row of seats.  Not easy when
you move well; severe arthritis and it's impossible, as Cliff and
Nancy Odom discovered. They were too distressed over the
situation to comment. After the game it was found another section
of physically challenged fans were facing an identical situation
on the other end of the press area. Real top of the line
planning. 
     
Management wasn't done with these folks yet either; the
escalators were shut down at the end of the game and the
elevators limited to those headed down from the club level. Use
the stairs or sleep in the building. Or win the lottery, since
the MCI Center is clearly intended only for persons of like
financial means.
  
Most of the people assigned 'accessible' seating for the game are
now in the process of filing complaints with the Department of
Justice, among other organizations. Does complaining help?
Barbara Parker called the MCI Center's accessible seating
director prior to the next game there to ask if any progress was
being made on the complaints: she reports the seating director 
told her "you get what you pay for" and hung up on her.
  
And if overall attendance is any indication, able-bodied people
don't think much of the place either; by the third game in the
building, actual attendance was down to about 7,500. Even
the paid numbers aren't half the capacity. 
     
If the MCI Center is the future of hockey arenas, well...you
know, Hershey is a nice place. Chesapeake has possibilities. The
Capitals don't. 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------
In the Box with John Kreiser
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
by John Kreiser

The New York Islanders struggle for media attention in the best of times. Now
that they're going through the worst of times, they're getting more than they
want. Then again, when a 1-1 tie at home is the highlight of the last three-
plus weeks, you have to expect that someone's going to talk about your
problems.
        
The Islanders were at .500 just 24 days ago after a road victory in Boston.
They came home for a game with Ottawa and a chance to be above .500 at
Christmas for the first time in years. Instead, they mailed it in during a 4-1
loss that some writers labeled the worst performance they'd ever seen. Over
the next three weeks, they played well and lost. They played poorly and lost.
They worked hard and lost. They didn't work hard and lost. They played tired
and lost. They played travel-weary teams that didn't make it to the hotel
until a few hours before game time and lost badly.
        
You name the way, they found a way to lose. Coach Rick Bowness tried
everything but putting on a uniform himself -- switching goaltenders, changing
lines, altering defensive combinations. Nothing worked. Bowness found himself
on the hot seat as the Islanders sank slowly in the East, with GM Mike Milbury
formally "putting him on notice" last Saturday that a change could be in the
offing.
        
But the Islanders' problems run a lot deeper than Bowness' coaching ability,
or lack thereof.
        
While insiders say some of the players aren't happy with the way they're
being used, a bigger question is whether the Islanders have misjudged their
talent. In a league where size increasingly trumps skill, the Islanders don't
have enough of either. And in a time where money can help a team buy its way
out of the basement, the Isles are the NHL's poor relatives, waiting for Daddy
Warbucks (in the form of a new ownership group that's slated to take control
of the team within a week or so) to open the vault for a team that's
perennially among the league's most frugal.
        
The Islanders started the season confident that their young defense and
goaltending were solid. They were right -- until the losing streak started. Tommy
Salo has struggled and Eric Fichaud's form hasn't returned after a shoulder
injury sustained in early December. Defensively, Bryan Berard has regressed
from his early-season form while Bryan McCabe appears to be weighed down by
the burden of being the NHL's youngest captain. The Isles have missed the
presence of veteran Dennis Vaske, out with yet another concussion, more than
they could possibly have believed.
        
All that might not matter if the Islanders could put the puck in the net more
than once in a blue moon. They've scored one goal in six of their last eight
games and haven't managed more than three during the 0-10-1 slide. Zigmund
Palffy's scoring touch has dried up, as has Robert Reichel's. Bryan Smolinski,
a 28-goal scorer last season, can't find the net, and none of the remaining
forwards are doing much of anything. The penalty-killing is dreadful, the
power play powerless, and players like Todd Bertuzzi haven't done enough to
offset a lack of size up front.
        
New owner Steve Gluckstein and his group will have some fast decisions to
make. Do they ax Bowness, who's no better than average and not a renowned
handler of young talent? If so, whom do they get -- Terry Crisp? Ted Nolan? Terry
Murray? Butch Goring, an ex-Islander star who's coached their farm team to two
IHL titles?  Or would Milbury, who reluctantly gave up the coaching post last
season to stay in the front office, go back behind the bench?
        
Then again, how safe is Milbury? Yes, he's raised the team's talent level
over the past couple of years, but the Isles will need a quick turnaround to
meet his stated goal of a playoff berth. He's been hamstrung by the impending
ownership change, but how will he be able to get a scorer without sacrificing
some of the team's thin talent base? Though Islanders fans might yell for the
new owners to sign restricted free-agent Sergei Fedorov, the price (aside from
the money) could be Palffy and/or Berard or Kenny Jonsson. That's too much to
pay for someone who shows more interest in being with his tennis-star teenage
girlfriend than playing hockey.
        
Barring a sharp turnaround, Bowness may not make it to the Olympic break. If
he gets the ax, it's going to get even warmer for Milbury -- especially if he
winds up back behind the bench, where he was less than brilliant the first
time.
        
Whatever happens had better happen soon. Luckily for the Islanders, they're
just six points out of a playoff berth with more than 40% of the season
remaining. But if they don't do something quickly, the Isles will find
themselves right back where they were last spring -- making early tee times
again.

WHERE HAVE ALL THE BODIES GONE?: The NHL has always been a gate-driven league -- and Fox notwithstanding, it will remain one into the foreseeable future.
That's why Gary Bettman & Co. have to be concerned (though obviously not
publicly) about the thousands of fans who come disguised as empty seats in a
growing number of buildings.
        
Remember the days when the Bruins were an automatic sellout in Boston? Not
any more. Stroll into the Fleet Center on game night and there are plenty of
tickets waiting. The Capitals are finding out that fans are no more willing to
see them at the downtown MCI Center than they were in the prairies of
Landover. Empties are the norm at the new buildings in Chicago and St. Louis,
while Mark Messier and Mike Keenan have done no more for the box office at GM
Place than they've done for the Canucks' place in the standings. Even in
Montreal, there are tickets to be had as often as not at the huge Molson
Centre.
        
Then there's the Carolina Hurricanes, who lead the NHL in empty seats. Not
since the pre-Lemieux days in Pittsburgh has an NHL team played to so many
empty seats on a regular basis. Sure, they're in Greensboro, 80 miles or so
from their future home in Raleigh. But a projected $20 million loss this
season has to make the prospect of spending another winter waiting for their
new arena a chilling thought.
        
The money coming from expansion over the next few years may paper over some
of the problems for a while. But it's not going to put any more fannies in the
seats -- and in the NHL, that's the name of the game.

STAT SHOTS: Why was Wayne Gretzky voted the top NHL player of all time?
Consider that Monday's three-assist effort against Toronto marked the 213th
time he's had three or more assists in a game. Just those games alone would
put him among the NHL's all-time assist leaders. Imagine what would happen if
the Rangers ever got him a finisher?  
        
The Rangers' 3-2 victory over Toronto was their seventh in a row over the
Maple Leafs. It's their longest streak ever against Toronto. 

Tampa Bay is averaging less than two goals a game. No team has averaged less
than two scores a game since the 1953-54 Chicago Black Hawks (that's how they
spelled it then), who scored just 133 times in 70 games.



----------------------------------------------------------------------
I Heard Things
---------------------------------------------------------------------
by Jim Iovino

Draft Dodging

With the midway point of the season come and gone, there are several
teams out there who are thinking more about the 1998 draft instead of
the playoffs.  With that in mind, the Central Scouting Bureau
released its midseason ranking of the top junior players around the
world.  

And the top player on the CSB list, and the person most likely to
succeed in the senior class, is Vincent Lecavalier.  Lecavalier is
the 17-year-old center LCS first told you about in Issue 84, the
Lost Issue. Lecavalier, 6-foot-4, 180 pounds, has scored 26 goals
and 36 assists for 62 points in just 31 games with Rimouski of the
Quebec Major Junior Hockey League.  

David Legwand is ranked second by the CSB.  Besides having a cool
last name, Legwand is a center for Plymouth in the OHL.  He is
considered a good playmaker and a pure goal-scorer.  Sounds
suspicious, but what the hell do we know.  We've never heard of the
kid.  Legwand has scored 59 points in 30 games.  

Third on the list is Michael Heinrich, a right wing with Barrie of
the OHL.  Heinrich has 26 goals in 39 games.  The man says he has
"great breakaway speed from the blue line."   Does that mean he's
slower than wood in the other half of the ice?  

Fourth is Mathieu Biron, who was recently showcased on Hockey Night
in Canada's Future Watch.  Biron is huge.  He's listed at 6-foot-6
and 212 pounds.  But rumor has it that he's not clumsy or anything,
which is a good asset.  He plays for Shawinigan of the QMJHL.  It's
fun to say the word "Shawinigan".  

The next six players on the list are Bryan Allen (D, Oshawa), Manny
Malhotra (C, Guelph), Rico Fata (C, London), Ramzi Abid (LW,
Cicoutimi) and Martin Skoula (D, Barrie).  

The 1998 draft is supposed to be as good as the 1997 draft.  Of
course, the draft is always a guessing game and we won't know how
good it will be until several years later.  

The Next Ken Dryden?

Sergei Fedorov finally got his 1997 Stanley Cup ring from the
Detroit Red Wings, but it could be a lot longer before the city of
Detroit, or any other city, sees him in an NHL jersey.  Fedorov
recently said he is willing to sit out the entire season so he gets
the right contract.  

Fedorov told a local Detroit TV station last week that he'll do what
it takes to get what he wants.  

"There's been precedence -- back in the early or late '70s when Ken
Dryden sat out one year, and, boy, did he make the money," Fedorov
said.  "I can see myself doing that. Why not? Because it's not
about money. Because it's about what I believe in."  

Fedorov reportedly wants a four-year, $24 million deal.  The Red
Wings supposedly offered $20 million over the same time frame. 

Much to Do About Knuckles

"Right now, I like Alex Selivanov the person, but I don't like Alex
Selivanov the hockey player. He has to learn to play for the team,
not play for himself."  

Jacques Demers
<I>Talking about the poor performances of Alexander "Knuckles"
Selivanov</I> 

All Star Uniforms

Have you seen the commercials on FOX that are promoting this year's
All Star Game?  Let me just say that they're pretty lame.  They are
calling it World War III on ice and all this other crap.  Come on,
it's an All Star Game!  It'll probably be as lame as most others. 
The players don't want to get hurt, so they're not going to take it
seriously.  

Anyway, the jerseys for the game might not be as putrid as in years
past.  The league got rid of the purple, which was the best thing
it could have done.  Instead, the World Team will wear light blue
and white sweaters while the North American Team jerseys will be
red and white.  The light blue and white are representative of the
colors of the United Nations, while the red and white are both
prominent colors on the Canadian and American flags.  

Both sets of jerseys will have the NHL logo on the chest and each
player's national flag will be in the form of a patch on the
jersey.  


------------------------------------------------------------------
Chimp Bytes: General NHL News and Notes
------------------------------------------------------------------
by Michael Dell

Zippy, everyone's favorite wonder chimp and the usual author of
Chimp Bytes, is out of town on a very important mission to
further our quest for world domination.  So I've been drafted to
write the column.  I thought I had burned my draft card, but
apparently that was my library card.  I didn't even know I had a
library card.  Anyway, here's some of that latest NHL news
jazz...

ALL-STARS TEAMS NAMED
Hey, another one of them All-Star Game deals is comin' up this
Sunday, January 18, in Vancouver.  I forget what number game it
is, but I think it's like the 112th annual or something.  I'm
pretty sure it's, like, more than six, tho'...

This year the NHL is gettin' all zany and changing the format,
making it North America vs. the World.  Oooh, spooky.  So here
are those rosters...

World Roster

STARTERS
Peter Forsberg
Teemu Selanne
Jaromir Jagr
Slava Fetisov
Sandis Ozolinsh
Dominik Hasek

RESERVES
Bobby Holik      
Saku Koivu       
Jari Kurri       
Igor Larinov     
Mats Sundin     
Daniel Alfredsson     
Peter Bondra     
Pavel Bure      
Valeri Kamensky 
Jari Kurri       
Igor Larionov   
Jere Lehtinen    
Ziggy Palffy
Igor Kravchuk    
Nicklas Lidstrom
Dmitri Mironov   
Sergei Zubov         
Nikolai Khabibulin      
Olaf Kolzig  

Coach: Ken Hitchcock
Assistant Coach: Marc Crawford


North American Roster

STARTERS
Eric Lindros
John LeClair
Brendan Shanahan
Ray Bourque
Brian Leetch
Patrick Roy

RESERVES
Joe Sakic
Wayne Gretzky
Mark Messier 
Mike Modano
Doug Weight
Tony Amonte
Theo Fleury
Shayne Corson
Mark Recchi
Keith Tkachuk
Chris Chelios
Al MacInnis
Scott Niedermayer
Scott Stevens
Darryl Sydor
Ed Belfour
Martin Brodeur

Coach: Jacques Lemaire
Assistant Coach: Kevin Constantine


People Who Don't Give a Rat's Ass Roster

Me


EAGLESON NOW A CONVICTED WEASEL
Alan Eagleson, the former executive director of the NHLPA, is
going to prison after pleading guilty to fraud in a Toronto
court.  Eagleson used his positions of power to embezzle hundreds
of thousands of dollars from the NHLPA veterans fund, Labatt's,
and Hockey Canada.  Just prior to the Toronto verdict, Eagleson
pleaded guilty to three counts of mail fraud at a trial in
Boston.  He was sentenced to pay a $700,000 fine.  That money
will go towards paying back the people Eagleson cheated.  
As punishment for the Toronto court decision, Eagleson could
spend up to 18 months in a Canadian prison.  You know the worst
part about prison?  It's the ana... oh never mind.

On March 31, the board of directors for the Hockey Hall of Fame
will vote on whether or not to boot Eagleson out of the Hall. 
Hall-of-Famer Brad Park has gone on record as saying that he will
remove himself form the Hall if Eagleson is not kicked out.  You
da man, Brad.  

FEDOROV HAPPY WITHOUT HOCKEY
Sergei Fedorov is saying that he'll be more than happy to sit out
the entire 1997-98 season if the Red Wings don't give him the
money he wants or fail to engineer a trade.  Sergei continues to
skate on his own in order to stay in shape.  

However, some people are questioning whether or not he even cares
about hockey anymore.  Word on the street is that he is so
infatuated with his girlfriend, tennis star Anna Kournikova, that
hockey is no longer an important part of his life.  But here's
the rub.  Kournikova is only 16.  Hmm ha.  How does that work
exactly?  If they go out on a date, does Sergei pick up extra
money for babysitting?  No word yet on whether or not the couple
have a future planned, but right now they just like to take long
walks on the beach, share quiet dinners at Chuck E. Cheese, and
do math homework together.  

NEDVED A NO GO
It doesn't look like Petr Nedved will be back in the NHL this
season.  While the Czech star was holding out for a new contract
from the Pittsburgh Penguins, he apparently played a few
exhibition games for a third-division team in the Czech Republic. 
Now according to NHL rules, that's no goooood.  The league rules
state that once a player plays for a team in Europe after the NHL
season starts, that player must clear waivers before returning to
the really big show.  Now since there's no chance in hell of
Nedved clearing waivers, that pretty much means he's stuck over
in the Czech Republic playing for pocket change.  This after
reportedly turning down a five-year, $14-million deal from the
Penguins.  Hard to get happy after that one.  

Nedved's agent, Tony Kondel, insists that since Nedved never
signed a contract with the Czech team and did not receive any
payment, he should be allowed back in without worrying about the
waiver rule.  Now keep in mind, the league Nedved played in was
third-division... in the Czech Republic!  The guys in the league
all have day jobs.  It's pretty much a glorified beer league. 
And Nedved only played exhibition games.  So keeping him out of
the NHL is jive.  I mean, it's not like the league can afford to
lose young, charismatic stars like Nedved.  The league should
make an exception and let him play.  But, of course, that would
make too much sense.  And as we all know, the NHL has absolutely
no common sense.  They're not really much for that there book
larnin' either...
              
DALLAS TO HONOR BROTEN
The Dallas Stars are going to retire Neal Broten's number 7
before their February 7th game against Chicago.  Broten is the
franchise's all-time leader in games played, assists, and points. 
I'd tell you exactly what the numbers are, but that would require
math.  And I've already used math three times today.  Gotta draw
the line somewhere.  Broten will join Bill Goldsworthy (8) and
Bill Masterton (19) as the only players to have their numbers
retired in franchise history.

ICED OUT
The January 10th game between the Montreal Canadiens and New York
Rangers was postponed due to the freakishly evil ice storm that
devastated all of Montreal, encasing the city in ice and bringing
everything to a virtual standstill.  The game was rescheduled for
March 12.  In a related story, it snowed here last week so I just
stayed inside and watched reruns of "Columbo".

HUNTER HITS MILESTONE
On January 9th, Dale Hunter recorded his 1,000th career point in
a 4-1 win over the Philadelphia Flyers.  Hunter entered the game,
the 1,309th of his career, needing three points to reach the
magical plateau.  He got there in style, collecting three assists
in the third period to lift the Caps to victory.  The momentous
assist came on a goal by Craig Berube.  That's odd.  To
celebrate, Hunter chased down Pierre Turgeon and cross-checked
him from behind into the boards.  

THAT'S ALL...
Well, I'm sure there's other NHL news, but I'm tapped out.  Like,
pick up a newspaper once in a while or somethin'... 


-------------------------------------------------------------------------     
Rod Langway Still a Favorite in Washington
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
by Meredith Martini

The three words heard most often at the USAir Arena on November 26, 1997: 
"It's about time." And much as some people might like to believe it, those 
words didn't refer to the impending move to the MCI Center.

They referred to the long overdue retirement of Rod Langway's Number 5, 
a sweater which had been unofficially retired since Langway left the 
Capitals in 1993 after a stellar 11-year career with the team but had never 
quite received the formal closure it merited. 
  
Rod Langway was the first American to win the Norris Trophy and he won it in 
two consecutive years; he appeared in six All-Star games, and remains both a 
model defenseman and the most honored player to have worn a Capitals jersey. 
And on November 26, he finally had his night.
  
"It's been talked about for the last couple of years to honor me and
have my number retired," said Langway, now 39 and an assistant coach with 
the AHL's Providence Bruins. "It was great...just a great honor."
  
The lone number retired prior to November 26 was Yvon Labre's Number 7; Labre, 
who now works in the Capitals' front office, presented Langway with a 
personalized set of golf clubs and a personal golf cart for "our favorite 
scratch golfer."
  
"I'll probably give it to charity, 'cause with this job here [in Providence] 
I don't have much time to play golf," Langway remarked. "But we'll see what 
happens, the boys [his two teenaged sons] will probably use it more than I 
will." 
  
Also presented to Langway were a silver plated hockey stick and a portrait 
given to him by the Montreal Canadiens. The date for the ceremony was chosen 
in part as Montreal was the Capitals' opponent for the night and the 
Canadiens' GM Rejean Houle was a participant in the celebration.  During his 
youth hockey years, Langway had an opportunity to meet Houle and "I became 
an admirer. Later we became roommates," joked Langway. 
  
Most of Langway's praise, however, was reserved for the fans. "I can remember 
looking out into this building and seeing 17, 18,000 of you, 15,000 here on 
freebies," Langway described to knowing laughter. "And this was the loudest 
place!"
  
"It's about time, they should have done it a long time ago," says Langway fan 
Barbara Parker. "I was happy they finally did it...I wanted to see that ten 
years ago. I would like to see him more involved with the Capitals 
organization."
  
Despite Langway's stature in the Capitals' organization and certainly among 
Washington area fans, where his presence remains in the form of Langway's 
Restaurant, Langway hasn't had anything to do with the Caps since leaving 
the team. Which is not to say he hasn't been busy.
  
Langway spent his first full season out of the NHL as a player/coach for the 
IHL's San Francisco Spiders. The financially troubled team went under after 
just one year, so Langway reprised the role for the ECHL's Richmond 
Renegades, a team whose GM, Craig Laughlin, was traded with Langway (and 
Doug Jarvis and Brian Engblom) from Montreal to Washington in 1982 in one 
of the NHL's all-time blockbuster trades. 
  
It was that trade which made Langway's career. The new players made the 
perennially hapless Capitals a contending team after some ten years of 
expansion futility and no playoff appearances. The Capitals would make it 
into the playoffs for the next 14 years.  The transformation of the 
Washington Capitals remains Langway's favorite memory of his time in the 
nation's capital. 
  
"I think just realizing that I was part of the building of a franchise, a 
winning franchise, I should say," says Langway.  "Back when I got there in 
'82, they really didn't know what was going to happen, whether they were 
going to fold or whatever, and it just turned out. They've got a good, solid 
foundation there now and hopefully in the future they'll win a Stanley Cup."
  
Langway never won the Cup with Washington, but he learned his trade (and won 
the Cup) with an organization that had plenty of Lord Stanley's Cups in the 
dressing room. Although the Massachusetts native left high school with no 
intention of playing hockey professionally (he opted to attend the University 
of New Hampshire as UNH offered him both a football scholarship and 
permission to play hockey and baseball if he wished), both the Montreal 
Canadiens and the WHA's Birmingham franchise drafted him after two years at 
UNH. Montreal didn't need him right away, so Langway spent a year shuffling 
between Birmingham and the AHL until the Habs did need a defenseman. And the 
rest is history.
  
Langway never played for his boyhood heroes the Boston Bruins, but after his 
retirement he still hoped he could work for the organization and alerted 
Boston to his interest. While it took over three years, the Bruins finally 
called him back. "They called me this summer and offered me a contract and I 
took it," says Langway, who now assists one of his coaches when he was a 
Capital, Tom McVie. 
  
Providence has a very young team and in particular a young defense, so 
Langway's work is cut out for him. But he's enjoying every minute of it. 
"I love it!" he says.
  
And back in Washington, plenty of people still love him.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
AHL News
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
by Tricia McMillan

Player of the Week (Dec. 14): WARNING This
is not, I repeat, this is NOT my last column again. It just looks
that way since it's starting out precisely the same way, that is,
with Kentucky's Steve Guolla being named as the POTW. This time
around, Guolla had nine points in three games, including a six-
point game against Portland Dec. 14, to win the award for the
third time this season and the second time in three weeks. 
(Then-Portland Pirate Jim Carey is the only other player in AHL
history to win the award three times in one season.) Guolla had
an assist against Philadelphia, two assists against Portland Dec.
12 and then exploded for two goals and four assists on the 14th.
Guolla now leads the league in scoring despite missing three
weeks playing in the NHL.

Player of the Week (Dec. 21): Springfield Falcons
goaltender Scott Langkow earns the award after going 3-0 for the
week with a shutout, a 2.00 GAA and .932 save percentage.  He
had a scoreless streak of 123:38 and was unbeaten in six straight
starts. Didn't last though; Langkow was lit up for five goals in
two periods in his first game after receiving the prize.

Player of the Week (Dec. 28): The way the Hershey Bears
started the season, it didn't seem likely one of their players
might come up with the POTW. But the Bears have been hot of
late, especially Christian Matte, and he takes the honors. Matte
had a four-goal, two-assist week for the Bears in three games,
although it was as much when he scored as how many that earned
him the award. Matte scored two goals against Hartford,including
the tying goal with just three seconds remaining in the game,
then scored two goals including the game-clincher against
Adirondack later that weekend. He leads the Bears in overall
goal-scoring.
 
Player of the Week (Jan. 4): Standing in the shadow of
Steve Guolla all season hasn't done much for the visibility of
Guolla's linemate, Alexei Yegorov, but finally someone noticed
that 'Yeggy' has had a pretty good season himself. Yegorov had an
11-point week for the Thoroughblades, racking up three goals and
eight assists in four games. He had multiple points in every
game, including four points against Philadelphia. Yegorov is now
second to Guolla in AHL scoring and fourth in both goals and
assists.

K & K Insurance Player: Oh yeah, those monthly awards
again. Top dog in the plus/minus category was, no big surprise
considering how the team's been playing, an Albany River Rat.
Specifically, team captain Geordie Kinnear took the honors with a
+16 rating in 12 games for the month. Kinnear had at least one
point in all 12 games. The overall season lead belongs to
Kentucky's Steve Guolla, who presently has a +24 rating.

Rookie of the Month: Also a River Rat. 1997 Hobey Baker
winner Brendan Morrison now has some more hardware for his
shelves, after picking up 13 points in ten games during the
River Rats' December run. Morrison had three three-point games on
Dec. 20, 23, and 29, and totalled three goals and ten points on
the month.  He is presently ranked third in AHL rookie scoring
with 37 points and also got to spend four games playing with the
New Jersey Devils during which he scored his first NHL goal.

Whoops, There It Is: Whomp, there was a foot and a half of
snow in Syracuse the morning of December 30 and a forecast
calling for at least another six inches. So for the first time
in two years, an AHL game was cancelled. The Hershey Bears were
already in town, had even practiced, but the Crunch players were
unable to get to the arena and neither were team and arena
employees, much less the fans. The game has been rescheduled for
March 10. But the Bears were able to get back to Hershey, which
beats the last postponement in the AHL; after a January, 1996
game in Baltimore was cancelled, the Rochester Americans were
stuck in Baltimore for three days waiting for Pennsylvania to
reopen its roads.

All-Star Stuff: Preparations for the All-Star Game are in
full swing. The AHL announced honorary team captains for the Game
on Dec. 17, naming former 'Miracle On Ice' goaltender Jim
Craig and longtime NHLer Patrick Flatley to the posts. 
Interestingly, neither player spent much time in the AHL, Craig
with a half season with the Erie Blades and Flatley a handful of
games with the Springfield Indians. Both players have more than
enough hockey credentials to make up for their lack of AHL
connections though.

Lunchtime: One of the more popular features of the AHL
All-Star Game is the AHL Hockey Hall of Fame All-Star Luncheon,
held the day of the game and featuring not only all of the
players participating in the game but also several members of the
Hockey Hall of Fame (thankfully, NOT Alan Eagleson!). This year's
guests are recent inductee Bryan Trottier, Islanders and Panthers
architect Bill Torrey, and stalwart defenseman Harry Howell, who
played in more professional hockey games than any other
defenseman in history. Trottier is presently the coach of
the AHL's Portland Pirates, Torrey served as governor to the
Springfield Indians for several years, and Howell spent a few
years playing in the AHL; add Trottier and Torrey's Islanders
ties and Howell's years with the Rangers and you've got an
AHL/New York party.

One Ugly Day: January 3 featured a full assortment of ugly
incidents, some imaginary, some accidental, a lot intentional. 

Match penalties are uncommon and very unlikely to be given to
a goaltender, but an incident in the Hershey/Philadelphia game
prompted referee Rob Martell to eject Hershey's Petr Franek.
Martell adjudged Franek to have intentionally high-sticked Dave
MacIsaac, who had attacked a Bears player at the front of the
crease. Franek was suspended a game for his infraction. 


Imaginary were the 45 minutes in penalties assigned to New
Haven's Wes Swinson in the third period of a game against
Springfield; while Swinson was dressed and on the bench, he was
there solely to give New Haven the minimum number of skaters and
didn't participate in the game. How he was credited for the
shenanigans is a mystery. Meanwhile the Beast's Chad Cabana did
pick up a two-game suspension for a high-sticking incident in the
same game. 

Hartford's Pierre Sevigny scared a lot of people in Worcester
when he took a hit away from the play, skated to the bench and
promptly passed out on it, striking his head on the dasher as he
fell. Sevigny was rushed to a local hospital and kept overnight;
last word was a head injury, not serious. 

Last, a disputed goal by Portland led to some serious misbehavior
by two Providence Bruins. Jean-Yves Roy repeatedly struck his
stick on the net, was ejected from the game, then broke his stick
over the net and chased referee Bernard DeGrace, throwing the
broken shaft at DeGrace. Roy received a double game misconduct
and was later suspended three games by the league. In the same
game, Providence's Andre Roy speared a Portland player who was in
the penalty box; Roy also received a game misconduct but no
suspension.

Sifting Through the Ruins: Of that amazing game between
Worcester and Springfield Dec. 14, in which seven league records
were set. Here are the new and old records for fastest
goals:

Goals New   Old   Teams/Date
  8   3:37  5:06  Hershey Bears vs. Providence Reds, 11/26/39
  6   1:21  2:23  Quebec Aces vs. Buffalo Bisons, 2/24/65
  5   1:16  1:43  Hershey Bears vs. Springfield Indians, 3/28/82
  4   0:36  0:39  Springfield Indians vs. Cleveland Barons, 3/11/61
  3   0:20  0:21  Hershey Bears vs. Cleveland Barons, 11/14/62
  2   0:04  0:05  Many times: most recently, Portland Pirates vs.
                  St. John's Maple Leafs, 3/23/97 


The teams' seven goals, however, were not a record. The St.
John's Maple Leafs and Cape Breton Oilers managed to score seven
in 2:56 on November 3, 1995. Last but not least, Springfield's
three empty-net goals set a modern AHL record. 

Wanted - A Goaltender: Both the Beast of New Haven and the
Albany River Rats found themselves a little short in the
goaltending department recently. New Haven's Mike Fountain went
down with a groin injury and the team recalled Tripp Tracey from
Richmond. By the time Tracey arrived in New Haven, David
Lemanowicz was down with the flu and Tracey went from the
airport directly to the ice with an equipment manager as his
backup for the evening. Lemanowicz had to play the next night
despite his illness because Tracey was then recalled to Carolina
to back up Pat Jablonski after Carolina traded Sean Burke. 

Albany wasn't doing a lot better, as Peter Sidorkiewicz was
recalled to replace an ill Martin Brodeur and then Mike Dunham
was injured, forcing the Devils to recall Richard Shulmistra, who
had played the previous evening with Albany's equipment manager
as his backup. Raleigh goaltender Frederic Henry was recalled
quickly and more than held his own stopping 37 of 38 Hartford
shots in his AHL debut; Henry was backed up by the brother of a
Hartford Wolfpack employee. Henry allowed only one goal in
his second game as well. 

Last, Adirondack's Zac Bierk can't get ice time in Glens Falls
but now he'll get it in Tampa, as both Daren Puppa and Corey
Schwab went down at the same time. The Red Wings recalled David
Arsenault from ECHL Toledo to back up Norm Maracle.

Back to the Future:The automatic suspension of Hershey
goaltender Petr Franek for the match penalty caused the Bears
some difficulty in securing a backup for Marc Denis the next
evening. David Aebischer was still in Finland celebrating
Switzerland's bronze medal in the World Juniors and Patrick
Labrecque couldn't get to Hershey from Louisiana in time for the
game. So the Bears plucked an employee from the town's Chocolate
World to back up Denis - Dave Parro. If the name sounds familiar,
Parro has played for the Bears before - like 1980? Parro hadn't
suited up professionally in 15 years and fortunately didn't have
to actually play on this occasion. 

The Bears also needed a forward in a hurry due to suspensions and
a new spate of injuries, so longtime icon Mitch Lamoreux was
signed on for spot duty. Lamoreux, who retired after last season,
has already performed the same service for the UHL's Binghamton
team this season.  

Another team that went dipping into their past was the Rochester
Americans. Buffalo sent backup goaltender Steve Shields to the
Amerks for one game as a tuneup, but Shields didn't shake off the
rust in time to notch a win.

Borrowed Buildings: The Fredericton Canadiens can't seem
to pull much of a crowd in Fredericton, but out of town they're
just fine. In fact, the baby Habs faced the baby Leafs at
Montreal's Molson Centre and drew 14,416 fans. The young Habs
will appear at Molson Centre two more times this year. 

Rochester played in Buffalo's Marine Midland Arena earlier this
season due to construction problems at their own building and
also faced off against Hamilton there on January 4, when
Shields took a turn in net. The remaining AHL games to take place
at an NHL arena are:

February 8, Syracuse Crunch vs. Fredericton Canadiens at Molson
Centre; February 13, Philadelphia Phantoms vs. Adirondack Red
Wings at Joe Louis Arena in Detroit; and February 15, Hamilton
Bulldogs vs. Fredericton Canadiens at Molson Centre. 

Speaking of Ruins: First it was the Providence Bruins.
Then it was the Hershey Bears. And then that horrid smell wafting
through the league was the Portland Pirates. Believe it or not,
the Pirates lost ten consecutive games and were winless in 11
straight, both of which shattered team records (seven and six
were the old records.) This despite the Pirates setting another
team record, this one for scoring a power-play goal in 14
straight games, which is also a league high streak this year, and
Andrew Brunette leading the league in scoring before being
recalled to Washington. The Pirates got so bad, they banished
three players including two No.1 draft picks (Mikka Elomo and
Alexander Volchkov) to the stands and replaced them with three
players from the United Hockey League's Quad City Mallards. They
also brought back Trevor Halvorson, who had been playing in the
IHL, and recalled Rick Kowalsky and Rob Bonneau from Hampton
Roads. The changes worked out just fine, as the last three formed
a line which led the Pirates to four straight wins.
 
Welcome to the Show: As of December 23, 131 players had
appeared in both the AHL and NHL this season. Nearly all were
players recalled from the AHL, as not too many rehab stints
have occurred to date. The Hamilton Bulldogs have already sent 12
players up to the bigs and Saint John is right behind them with
11. 

TEAM        PLAYERS            TEAM         PLAYERS
Hamilton       12              Springfield     7
Saint John     11              Hershey         6 
Cincinnati     10              New Haven       6
Syracuse       10              Portland        6
Kentucky        9              Worcester       6 
Providence      9              Philadelphia    5 
Fredericton     8              Rochester       5 
Hartford        8              Adirondack      4
Albany          7              St. John's      2


Milestones: New Haven's Mike Fountain recorded his 100th
AHL victory on December 14th against Providence. Fountain is only
the ninth AHL goaltender in the last 25 years to reach that
number. Another goaltender who reached it is Albany's Peter
Sidorkiewicz, who is not only still active but closing in on the
modern record, set by Maine Mariner Sam. St. Laurent. St. Laurent
recorded 164 victories; Sidorkiewicz has 157.
  
Don't Give Up Your Day Job: Ed Ronan did and he may be
sorry. Ronan retired prior to the start of this season and took a
job in finance after the Sabres didn't offer him a contract and
his wife was due to have their second child. However, Providence
coach Tom McVie tracked down Ronan and offered him a deal with
the desperate P-Bruins. The immediate result was Ronan played
four games in five days and had only negative double digits on
the plus/minus chart to show for it.         

Streakin': Hartford's Christian Dube saw his season-high
17-game scoring streak come to an end Dec. 19 when Springfield
shut out the Wolfpack.  The next longest active streak in the
league, ten games, belonged to Hamilton Bulldogs winger Barrie
Moore, who set a Bulldogs record with his tenth straight game
with a point before his streak ended. Then there was the nine-
game streak belonging to Hershey Bears defenseman Mike Gaul.
Really. Gaul spent last season in Germany, missed training camp
and six weeks of the season due to an emergency appendectomy,
and wound up in the East Coast League to start the year. Injuries
brought him back and he has more than made up for lost time.

Legal Maneuvers: Saint John has been pretty busy with the
lawyers and other paper pushers of late. The Flames have been a
victim of their own success in that their five-year lease
with Harbour Station is up at the end of the season and as the
Flames have averaged nearly 2,000 fans per game more than
anticipated in the original lease, well, Harbour Station upped
their rent.  A lot. In fact, the original rent request was for
$300,000 per year, which would have been the highest rent in the
league, while the Flames were offering $40,000. Negotiations are
continuing and the two sides have actually gotten to within
$15,000 of each other. It is hoped the deal will be worked out
within the next couple of weeks. Meanwhile the Flames managed
only their second sellout of the season but continue to average
nearly 5,000 fans per game.

When the Flames finish up with rent negotiations, they have
another, potentially bigger headache in front of them. Former
Flame Mike Murray has filed lawsuits against the Saint John
Flames, the Calgary Flames, Saint John's former trainer, Saint
John's physicians and several New Brunswick physicians and
therapists. Murray broke his right leg while playing for the
Flames in December, 1995, and while he played for the Flames as
recently as the 1997 playoffs, he was let go by Calgary after the
season and a tryout contract with Hershey was voided when he
flunked the Bears' physical. Murray maintains he can no longer
play hockey - or take a position in the field he studied in
college, law enforcement - because improper medical treatment to
the broken leg caused permanent injury to his knee. Murray's
position is that the Calgary Flames were never advised as to the
course of his medical treatment, several procedures were
performed on him without proper consent, the surgery and
rehabilitation he underwent were medically improper, and
that the rehabilitation program damaged his knee. Saint John had
better be worried about this too; two recent similar cases,
including one involving former Hershey player Glenn Seabrook,
were found in favor of the player.

Jurisprudence: The Syracuse Crunch's Paul Ferone was
arrested during the December 28 game between Syracuse and the
host Beast of New Haven and charged with third degree assault
for swinging his stick at a heckler. The fan claimed he wasn't
heckling Ferone and announced on television he was getting a
lawyer; a police officer stated the fan was in fact heckling
Ferone and Ferone appeared to be trying to hit the railing, not a
person. Ferone, who had scored his first professional goal
earlier in the game, was leaving the ice after the second period
when the incident occurred and was promptly arrested, although he
released on his own recognizance later. Ferone was also suspended
four games by the AHL for the incident. New Haven doesn't do much
by way of security at the visitor's gate and things have been
known to get ugly down there, leading Syracuse coach Jack
McIlhargey to request a canopy be installed over the gate. Good
idea.

Rumor Mill: The AHL has already made a couple tries at
enticing ECHL teams to join the AHL, succeeding only with
Greensboro. That may change, as the new lease in Hampton Roads
requires the Admirals join the AHL within two years or be evicted
from the Scope. While the Admirals might be pretty close to
joining the league, they'll need neighbors - so the AHL has
resumed begging Richmond to take a shot at the AHL and is also
discussing with Capitals' owner Abe Pollin the possibility of
placing a team - affiliated with the Capitals, of course - in the
newly vacated USAir Arena. We'll keep you posted.   
 
Take a Guess: Many of you have probably heard that the
Muskegon Fury's Gary Coupal was permanently banned from the UHL
after throwing his stick in the stands. You might also know that
Coupal was banned from the ECHL and the rest of pro hockey last
season after he tomahawked an opposing player who was sitting on
the bench minding his own business. Co