Self-promotion is key to all sports. In order to promote itself and a sponsor, a professional league will highlight a specific skill in their sport and exploit it for profit during a highly publicized event. The NBA gives fans a chance to make a half-court shot for cash. The NFL dares them to kick a field goal. Major League Baseball taunts them with a strike zone to hit.

The NHL is no different than the other sports, so at this year's All-Star Game in Vancouver, one lucky "fan" will have his or her chance to win $5 million, complements of the NHL and Norelco, which has just about as much to do with hockey as a potato farm.

Back in the day, Score-O contests used to be all the rage. You know, some specific schmuck would be picked out of the stands who wouldn't even know how to hold a hockey stick to shoot at a net covered by a pick piece of plywood with an inch-wide slot cut out at the bottom. If he slid the biscuit in the hole, he won some fries or a bag a' donuts. If he missed, he was mocked, taunted and laughed at until the crowd was satisfied.

But today, the NHL is more sophisticated. There's a new contest at this year's All-Star Game that is all the rage. All a fan has to do is hit four destructible targets fastened to each corner of a goal. You get a million bucks for each target you hit; $5 million if you get all four. This is the same event that Ray Bourque and Mark Messier have made famous over the years by hitting all the targets in just four shots. But, of course, those two players are future hall of famers. Those of us watching the game are not.

So to make things a little fairer, wouldn't you think the fine sponsors of the event would offer a little kindness to the fan in the contest? Not when they've got five million smackers on the line, Chester!

Being the corporate whores that they are, they've almost guaranteed that they'll come out of the contest without having to open up the checkbook. If you read the fine print, you'll see their trickery at work.

First of all, the winner has to meet their criteria. The contest is open to anyone between the ages of 18 and 65...anyone in the United States, that is. Sorry Canada. The NHL is using your city for a week, but they won't even let you enter their contest.

But wait, it gets better.

The contest is open to anyone between ages 18 and 65, BUT the winner can't be a current professional, collegiate or semiprofessional hockey player. That kinda sucks, but it still leaves a lot of us left, doesn't it? Oh, one last thing...the winner must not have participated in an organized hockey program within the past 10 YEARS.

Well now, let's see, if my calculations are correct that eliminates just about 90 percent of the hockey fans in the United States. It doesn't just say ice hockey, mind you, but any organized hockey.roller hockey, deck hockey, etc.

So in reality, the criteria for winning are just about the same as the criteria for the old Score-O contests of days gone by. If you're a dork who doesn't know how to hold a stick, you can be the winner. And all of us who are true fans of the game? Well, we can always buy more stuff from Dave in the NHL catalog.

But just in case their system doesn't weed out everyone that could possibly get the puck off of the ice, they decided to take it one step further.

The winner gets just four chances to shoot.from 30 FEET AWAY. That's half the distance between the goal line and the blue line. If that's not hard enough, the winner doesn't even get a chance to aim. He or she gets eight seconds to shoot four stationary pucks. Eight seconds, my friends, is not a lot of time. You can't even look to see if you hit something, just keep firing those pucks.

While it is true that even if the winner of the sweepstakes doesn't hit a target, he or she will still get $10,000 for just showing up. But once again, the tiny print makes one wonder if it's worth the torture the winner has to put up with. The rules state that the winner must wear a uniform jersey/shirt provided by the sponsor. In other words, they're gonna dress you up like a dork with the word Norelco splattered all over your body and turn you into a walking billboard for the man. Want more proof? Read further.

"Entry (into the contest) constitutes winner's permission to use his/her name, biographical information, image, likeness and/or voice recordings for any and all of the Sponsor or the NHL Parties advertising or publicity purposes without additional compensation or permission except where prohibited by law."

In layman's terms, you sell your soul to the devil for a chance at $5 million. Furthermore...

"If requested by Sponsor, Grand Prize winner and winner's travel companion shall wear clothing displaying, or otherwise display, Sponsor's name and/or logo as directed by Sponsor during the 1998 All- Star Superskills Event. Grand Prize winner and winner's travel companion shall not wear or otherwise display the name and/or logo of any other entity without the prior approval of Sponsor (which approval may be withheld in Sponsor's sole discretion)."

This means if the "Sponsor" wants you to take off your pants and slap on a pair of fluorescent green and orange Zubaz, well, you gotta bite the bullet and do it.

Is $10,000 worth all of this hassle and humiliation in front of millions of people? To most of us poor folk, yes, it probably is. The Man has us under his thumb. We are pawns in his chess game. One pull of the strings and we shoot a puck at a net.

But when you see that poor sole who wins the contest stumble out onto the ice during the All-Star Game, try to remember what a "great" opportunity the league and its sponsors have given us, the so-called fans.

Is it really necessary to say "Thanks"?

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