When LCS: Guide to Hockey was established back in June of 1994, money was scarce. Here we are, over three years later, and we've still got a whole lot of nothin'. What's that old saying? The more things change, the more they suck.

Yes, our financial future looks bleak. We're so poor, that we couldn't afford to have Zippy's tonsils taken out, so we just had them loosened. Our offices are so small, that last week we scraped all the paint off the walls. It wasn't that we didn't like the color, we just needed the extra room. Why our clothes are so old, that yesterday I found a Confederate dollar bill in my pants pocket. Okay, okay, that last one isn't true. And you know why? Because we can't even afford pants! Oh, the horror.

The other day we were sitting around, without pants, trying to come up with ways to lighten our monetary burden. The first idea was to have every LCS reader send us one dollar. But sadly, $12 just doesn't buy what it used to.

It wasn't long before our thoughts began to wander into the wonderful realm of fraud and bunko. Unfortunately, organizing a good pyramid scheme can be a lot of work. What with practicing the sales pitch, finding a good shill, drawing charts and graphs... who needs the grief?

All seemed hopeless. Then, with nowhere else to turn, we looked to one of our personal heroes for guidance. In our darkest hour, he was there like a radiant light form the heavens above. This inspirational soul is, of course, Gary Coleman.

Gary Coleman, our spiritual guide

Once we were blind, but now we can see! And it's so damn simple! All we need is some old rich guy to adopt us! Just as Arnold and Willis Jackson were rescued from the slums of Harlem by Mr. Drummond, LCS needs to be saved from our own desperate plight.

So over the next few weeks we will be interviewing prospective "parents". If you have stacks and stacks of folding green, and would like to adopt us, please, email us with the following information:

1. How much money you have.
2. How much money you'll give us.
3. How soon we could move into your house.

We can't stress enough how much we need our own Mr. Drummond. If we don't get some bread in here soon, LCS may not see the new year.

Even if you aren't rich enough to adopt us, don't be scared to try and help. Our situation is so dire, that we will once again be accepting donations, as we did back in the early days. All donations are welcome. Money, clothes, food, malt liquor... we aren't picky. Donations can be sent to us at:

LCS: Guide to Hockey
632 Hempfield Street
Greensburg, PA 15601

With any luck, LCS will be able to survive well into the future and continue our proud tradition of mediocrity. If things don't improve, tho', LCS: Guide to Hockey may not be long for this world.

We now ask that you, our valued readers, please join us in the following inspirational prayer.

Will you be our Mr. Drummond? Please?

Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some. A man is born, he's a man of means. Then along come two, they've got nothin' but their jeans. But they've got, Diff'rent Strokes. It takes, Diff'rent Strokes. It takes, Diff'rent Strokes to move the world.

Everybody's got a special kind of story. Everybody finds a way to shine. It don't matter that you got... not a lot, so what? They'll have theirs, you'll have yours, and I'll have mine. And together we'll be fine. Because it takes, Diff'rent Strokes to move the world, yes it does. It takes, Diff'rent Strokes to move the world!

Amen.

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