Greensburg Wants the Whale

Greensburg Wants the Whale
By Michael Dell, Editor-in-Chief

LCS: Guide to Hockey can not sit idly by and watch as the Whale are left homeless. Being the true friend that we are, LCS would like to give the Whale a place to crash. So we are officially inviting the Whale to relocate to our home town of Greensburg, Pennsylvania.
We've heard all the hype about Columbus, Ohio being a possible destination for the mighty sea mammals, or maybe St. Paul, Minnesota, or even Nashville, Tennessee. But forget all that jive. Greensburg is where it's at.
Now would be a good time to discuss the history of Greensburg, but, well, I don't really know it. Hey, I just live here.

Welcome to Greensburg

I think the town was founded or something, like, a long time ago. I do know that it was named for Nathanael Green. He was some pioneer dude, not sure really. Although I do think he invented the color green. Before ol' Nathanael came around, people thought grass was red and there was one less crayon per box. That's odd.
Anyway, from its humble beginnings Greensburg has developed into a thriving metropolis that is currently home to not only this fine publication but also such noteworthy businesses as Schaller's Bakery, Bugsy's Bagels, and The Lollipop Tree. Yes, progress is a wonderful thing.
Greensburg has plenty else to offer, as well. If it's culture you're after, Greensburg has its own library, art museum, theater, and off-track betting facilities. Throw in more drinking establishments per capita than most towns in Ireland and the social scene starts to take shape.
While Greensburg does have an ice rink, the beautiful Kirk S. Nevin Arena, the best feature of the city is its two shopping malls. And get this, one of the malls is pretty desolate and in need of a shot in the arm. See where I'm goin' with this? That's right, the town could construct a makeshift rink in the bottom floor of Greengate Mall, allowing the Whale to continue to have the ice rink/shopping mall combination they enjoyed in Hartford. It would be 50/50... a little bit of this, a little bit of that. Watch a hockey game, buy some socks... just like old times.

The golden dome of the
Greensburg Courthouse...
Why isn't it green?

Granted, Greensburg only has a population of about 17,000, but the good news is there's absolutely nothing else to do in town, besides getting all liquored up, so filling the Mall really wouldn't be much of a problem. And being just an hour south of Pittsburgh, the Greensburg Whalers would have a natural rival in the Penguins. Think of it, the Battle of the Burgs. I can almost hear the sound of tickets selling out as I'm writing this.
In order to help seal the deal, LCS is willing to dig into our personal savings to help sweeten the pot. The minute the Whale makes its move to Greensburg official, I will personally write out a check for the sum of $14.32. Sure, it will clean out the LCS bank account, but you gotta do what ya gotta do. Besides, we already got the free toaster.
Yes, Greensburg truly is a green and pleasant land. I'm sure other places may make more lucrative offers, but LCS only asks that the Whale please give our proposition the serious consideration it deserves. It would be an honor to welcome the mighty sea mammals into our fine city. Plus, if the Whale doesn't fill the professional sports void in town, there's talk the local suit types might go after the L.A. Clippers... and that would suck.