LCS: Guide to Whale Savin'

LCS: Guide to Whale Savin'
By Michael Dell, editor-in-chief

Editor's Note: Unfortunately, our Guide to Whale Savin' fell on deaf ears when it first appeared in issue 42, published March 16, 1996.
The very first mission the original staff of LCS: Guide to Hockey ever went on was an eight-hour road trip to Hartford for the 1994 Entry Draft. We had many the wacky adventures during our two days in the insurance capital of the world. Ever since then we have been linked with the city of Hartford and the Whalers.
Granted, during the early issues of LCS, we did take our shots at the Whalers. However, we kid, because we care. The Whale have always held a special place in our hearts. Whether it was due to our trip to the Mall that they call home, or even the fact that our hero Johnny Cullen (the idol of millions from eight to eighty) proudly wore the Whale tail on his chest for a number of seasons, the idea of the Whalers leaving Hartford actually sickens us.
Yet that is the reality that is confronting the hockey world. Hartford management claims to be losing $20 million a season. Of course, the obvious question comes up that if they are losing so much money why are they still called management? But we'll let that go for now. The point is, unless the Whale sell 11,000 season tickets by May 1 the club will, in all likelihood, leave Hartford by the start of next season. For a moment, just try to imagine a world without the Hartford Whalers... scary, isn't it?
LCSf: Guide to Hockey will not sit idly by and let our favorite team leave without a fight! We intend to do everything in our power to keep the Whale in Hartford. Of course, our "power" is, shall we say, limited? Shall we say nonexistent? We shall say nonexistent. But that doesn't mean it's gonna stop us from tryin'!
The following is a 5-step plan of how we intend to try and Save the Whale:
Step 1: Quit eating tuna. I'm not exactly sure how this will help, but I'll be damned if we won't make the sacrifice!
Step 2: Send the Whaler management a detailed plan of ways to attract more fans to home games. Examples include...

* Install a blow hole at center ice.
* Every time the team scores six goals, Free Willy videos and Green Peace stickers for everyone in attendance.
* Replace the usual soft drinks at concession stands with a new cool, refreshing beverage... Plankton Shakes.
* Replace the usual Civic Center employees with leggy supermodels. We're not sure exactly how this will help, but it definitely wouldn't hurt.

These are just the tip of the iceberg. We've got plenty more where these came from. Our minds our constantly churning forth new and exciting ways to bring fans to the Mall. After all, where else in the world can you buy a pair of socks, walk ten feet, and be in a hockey arena? The shopping mall/professional hockey arena combination is rare to say the least. It's sort of the Haley's Comet of architecture. The Whale Mall is just too cool an idea to be silenced.
Step 3: Purchase all the Whaler merchandise we can afford. Of course, we can barely afford our nightly meals of bread and water, but we'll cut back in order to try and help the Whale. If everyone reading this would go out and buy a Whale jersey tomorrow, the sudden sale of the five or six sweaters will virtually triple the Whale merchandising revenues for the past year. The Hartford management would be tricked into believing they have a gold mine on their hands and will leave the team in Hartford to reap the benefits of the new merchandising bonanza.
Step 4: Send all spare change and letters of encouragement to the Whale. Dig deep folks, this is our last chance to Save the Whale. If you have any spare change lying around put it in an envelope and send it to the Whale at:
Hartford Civic Center 242 Trumball Street 8th Floor Hartford, CT 06103
Or if you'd prefer, give them a call at 203-728-3366 and let them know that you want the Whale to stay in Hartford. While you're at it, maybe you can buy a season ticket or two...
Step 5: Organize a Save the Whale telethon in hopes of raising money. If there's one thing the staff of LCS enjoys, it's a good puppet show... but telethons aren't bad either. I'll update the progress of the telethon and the amount of money raised in my weekly "From the Chief..." column in the Web Extra section of our web site.
Well, that's our plan to try and Save the Whale. We ask that everyone who loves themselves some Whale do their part in trying to help the cause. If you have any other ideas on how to Save the Whale just write and let us know. We are open to suggestions. Hopefully, with a little luck, and lots of lovin', the Whale will remain in Hartford for many years to come.