Keenan Supporters Unite!

Keenan Supporters Unite!
by Michael Dell, editor-in-chief

Mike Keenan is nuts. That's pretty much a given. Don't need a bloody glove to prove it. Yet just in case someone out there still questioned his capacity for insanity, Iron Mike is once again up to his kooky high jinx. The man that has sent such fan favorites as Brendan Shanahan and Curtis Joseph out of town now has his sights set on St. Louis' Golden Boy, Brett Hull.
The minute Keenan arrived in St. Louis for the 1994-95 season, most everyone questioned the future coexistence of the maniacal coach and the easy-going superstar. Surprisingly, the two men hit it off greatly during their first few months together, with Keenan often praising Hull for his spirited play and attention to defense. The good times didn't last long, tho', as Keenan soon began dismantling the Blues, ditching several of Hull's buddies in favor of more "Keenan-esque" style players (read old and untalented).
Things recently reached a boiling point when Hull was a healthy scratch for a recent game against the Colorado Avalanche. The benching didn't sit well with Brett and soon the trade rumors were once again swirling. While it would be nearly impossible picturing Brett Hull playing for a team other than the St. Louis Blues, it's not hard to imagine Keenan being stupid enough to trade him.
If Hull does get moved, the backlash in the city would be enormous. Maybe not of Rodney King proportions, but definitely hire-extra-security time. With this in mind, LCS began to wonder if there were actually any people out there that liked Mike Keenan? After days of tireless searching, endless phone calls, and several sessions of deep meditation... well, some might call them drunken stupors, but we prefer "sessions of deep meditation"... a few such disillusioned individuals were found.
In order to bring their stories to you, our valued readers, we gathered up these poor souls so they could try their best to defend the man they admire. In order to get some of them to visit LCS headquarters in the thriving metropolis of Greensburg, Pennsylvania, we sort of had to, well, shall we say, "stretch the truth"? Shall we say "lie like chimps"? We shall say lie like chimps. The important thing is that we got the story. And it's all fair in love and fake journalism.
Our first guest, and Mike Keenan supporter, was Mrs. McCracken, who just happened to be his ninth grade English teacher at Denis O'Conner High School in Ajax, Ontario. Now 86 years young, Mrs. McCracken currently resides in a retirement village in South Florida. Here's a transcript of our interview.
LCS: First off, Mrs. McCracken, I'd just like to thank you for making the trip up to see us.
Mrs.McCracken: Oh Regis, it's always been a dream of mine to meet you. I wasn't going to let the chance slip away. Plus I always wanted to see New York.
LCS: Uh, yeah, well it sure is a pleasure having you on the show.
Mrs.McCracken: The set looks a lot different on TV.
LCS: Yeah, well that's what they mean when they say "the magic of television." So anyway, why don't you tell us a little bit about how you came to know Mike Keenan.
Mrs.McCracken: Well, Regis, I was his high school English teacher. Can the audience hear me alright?
LCS: Sure. So you were his English teacher, huh? What kind of student was he?
Mrs.McCracken: Oh my, he was a wonderful child. Thoughtful, polite, considerate, kind to his fellow classmates. He was an ideal pupil.
LCS: Really? That's odd. Was he involved in a lot of school activities?
Mrs.McCracken: Oh my, yes. He was student body president, captain of the ice hockey team, and even a member of the debate squad.
LCS: Wow, a debater... was he any good?
Mrs.McCracken: Certainly. He was articulate and spoke with a clear, strong voice. He was very persuasive.
LCS: Would you say he was a master debater?
Mrs.McCracken: Pardon?
LCS: So, what kind of stuff did Mike write in class?
Mrs.McCracken: I'm sorry, Regis, but before I answer that I was just wondering where Kathie Lee is?
LCS: Um, she'll be here in a minute... she's just out looking for employees for her clothing manufacturer... and kindergarten lets out at noon, so she should be here any minute...
Mrs.McCracken: That's nice. She's a lovely woman. And I just love listening to her sing. Her voice is just beautiful. And oh those wonderful stories about Cody! I love hearing about Cody!
LCS: Yeah, that kid's a real pip... anyway, getting back to the matter at hand, what kind of stuff did Mike write in class?
Mrs.McCracken: He was very fond of poetry. He would write some of the most beautiful verse you'd ever want to read.
LCS: I never would have guessed. So, to sum up, you can honestly say that you like Mike Keenan?
Mrs.McCracken: Oh my, yes. In all my years of teaching he was without a doubt my favorite pupil. He made every day a delight. I always used to tell people, "If only I could have an entire class of little Mikey Keeners..."
LCS: Keener?
Mrs.McCracken: Yes, little Mikey Keener... a whole class of Mikey Keeners would be delightful.
LCS: Keener? Who the hell is Mikey Keener?
Mrs.McCracken: Why the young man you've been asking about... Mikey Keener.
LCS: Not Keen-ER, you dizzy old bat. Keen-AN! Keen-AN!
Mrs.McCracken: Oh my! Well then, that's different. Mike Keenan was an evil little ruffian. I hated the f***** son of a bitch...

With our first attempt at finding a Keenan supporter having failed, we boldly went forth in our daunting quest for the proverbial needle in a haystack. We thought we hit pay dirt when we uncovered Kenny Bloom practically in our own backyard. Billing himself as the president and founder of the official Mike Keenan Fan Club, Kenny was more than eager to accept our invitation to defend his hero.
LCS: So, Kenny, why don't you tell everyone a little bit about yourself?
Kenny: Well, my name is Kenny Bloom. I'm 37 years old. I'm from Youngwood, Pennsylvania. I'm the owner and manager of the Youngwood Tasty Freeze. Our motto is "If it ain't frozen and it ain't tasty, then it's not Tasty Freeze."
LCS: That's clever.
Kenny: Thanks, I wrote that myself.
LCS: So, Kenny, how does a Tasty Freeze owner in Youngwood get to become the president of the official Mike Keenan Fan Club?
Kenny: It all started one night last Spring when I was getting ready to close up the Tasty Freeze and head home to catch the late airing of Star Trek on the ol' boob tube. That's when I heard a knocking on the front service window. I figured what the hay, might as well serve the poor guy. It was a humid night, and do unto others... am I right? Golden Rule...
So I slid the window open and I said, "Can I help you?" And there was this sharp-dressed guy with a well-groomed moustache and combed-back hair asking me for a cup of ice chips. Can you believe it, a cup of ice chips? So I asked the guy, "Are you sure you don't want to try some ice cream? It's tasty." And he just gave me a look that would peel the paint off a barn. I haven't seen a stare like that since...
LCS: Yeah, I'm sure it was somethin' special, Kenny, but I just saw a sign by the side of the road and we entered Dullsville about a mile ago. Think you can wrap it up?
Kenny: Oh, okay. So I handed him his cup of ice and the guy handed me a five-dollar bill. I tried to tell him that I didn't want any money, but he just got in his car and drove off without sayin' a word. That night I went home and caught the late news, and during the highlights of the Penguins' game I saw the same guy standing behind the bench of the St. Louis Blues. After doin' a little research, I learned that the guy that gave me five dollars for a cup of ice was none other than Mike Keenan.
LCS: Let me get this straight. A guy gives you a five- dollar tip and you start a fan club for him?
Kenny: It wasn't just the money. It was his whole presence. Sort of reminded me of the Lone Ranger.
LCS: I'd like to say that it was an interesting story, Kenny, but unfortunately I can't. Because, well, it wasn't. Now mind you that I'm asking this with a great deal of trepidation, but do you think you could talk a little bit about the fan club itself? Paying close attention to the use of the word "little"...
Kenny: We're just a bunch of people that love Mike Keenan. Plain and simple.
LCS: I'll be honest, we had a pretty hard time finding people who liked Keenan, so it was quite surprising to learn that he had a whole entire fan club.
Kenny: Yeah, we all love Mike Keenan. All of us. We love him.
LCS: When you say "us", how many people we talkin'?
Kenny: Oh, there's a lot of us. And we all love Mike Keenan. We just love him. We think he's great.
LCS: Gee, that's swell, but how many members does the club have? A couple hundred?
Kenny: Yeah, sure.
LCS: I find that kind of hard to believe... you know, that a couple hundred people could like Mike Keenan and all...
Kenny: Okay, well, maybe a couple hundred is a little bit of an exaggeration...
LCS: How much of an exaggeration? Do you have one hundred members?
Kenny: Not exactly...
LCS: Seventy-five?
Kenny: We're still a young organization... I mean we just got started a couple months ago...
LCS: Fifty?
Kenny: And getting started is always the hardest part...
LCS: Twenty-five?
Kenny: Once word gets out with this article, I'm sure we'll see a big boost in membership...
LCS: Ten?
Kenny: Yep, we'll be flooded with applicants...
LCS: Five?
Kenny: Not quite...
LCS: Four?
Kenny: Now I realize that doesn't sound like a lot, but we're four individuals that really love Mike Keenan. I mean our admiration for the man is probably like the same amount generated by 10 or 12 people... and that's 10 or 12 people each... so you times that by four, and it's like we have 63 members. And 63 is a pretty good number... for such a young club.
LCS: Even for a moment taking your rather generous admiration production per person at its highest rate, four times 12 is still just 48.
Kenny: Yeah, but I was using the metric system... Mike is Canadian...
LCS: I don't even know what that means. Since it won't exactly take a lot of time, why don't you just tell us who the other members in the club are?
Kenny: Well, mother is the vice president.
LCS: She wouldn't happen to be a former English teacher from Canada would she?
Kenny: No... why?
LCS: No reason.
Kenny: Once I told mother about the idea, she was real excited to join in. She's always lookin' to join new clubs and meet people. She doesn't get out much since the operation.
LCS: I'm sorry to hear that. I hope it was nothing serious.
Kenny: No, it was just female problems.
LCS: Female problems?
Kenny: Yeah, she was startin' not to look like one. Besides mother and me, there's my younger brother Chester. Chet has a lot of free time on his hands since he lost his job at the bowling alley. How was he supposed to know he shouldn't wear the shoes home?
LCS: So let's recap. The big fan club consists of you, your brother Chester, and your mom.
Kenny: And, of course, Lightning.
LCS: Who's Lightning?
Kenny: He's my basset hound. He's sort of the club's mascot.
LCS: That's quite the fan club ya got there, Kenny.
Kenny: Tell me about it...
LCS: So, do you guys have meetings and stuff?
Kenny: Well, not really "meetings" per se... but sometimes over dinner I'll mention Mike's name. And I'm planning to get some T-shirts printed up here shortly. But with it being winter and all, things are kind of slow at the Tasty Freeze. Once Spring comes, I'll get the presses rolling on the shirts. I also have plans to start a monthly newsletter. If some of your readers out there would like to get on the mailing list or join the fan club they could drop me a line at LoveKeenan@aol.com and I'll sign them up.
LCS: Better practice up on the typing, Kenny. Because I know once people read this, the letters will just be pouring in. Maybe by this time next year you could have six, seven, maybe even eight members.
Kenny: That would be exciting!
LCS: That's it, my friend, set your goals high. Well, Kenny, thanks for sharing your story with us and best of luck in the future. Before you go, do you think you could do me one favor?
Kenny: Sure, anything.
LCS: If we ever happen to run into each other around town...
Kenny: Yeah?
LCS: Pretend you don't know me.

There you have it, folks. We tried our best to find people who like Mike Keenan, but the results were less than overwhelming. In the end all we had was one senile old bag, a goofy freak of a fan club president, and a throbbing headache. Next time I think we'll search for something a little easier to find... like Bigfoot or the Fountain of Youth.