When I was asked to return for the final issue of LCS I was more
than anxious to give all my fans one final goodbye. I realized
this was going to be my last opportunity to fill each and every
one of your lives with the God-like wisdom and the razor-sharp
wit that makes me, well...me. I mean, I am the man who took Mike
Dell and embarrassed him in front of three other people in a
friendly game of Trivial Pursuit, so I must have some sort of
brain in this skull of mine. And I think you'd agree. So
between my busy schedule of toting Mike Dell's ass around and
scratching off instant lottery tickets in hopes of becoming a
thousandaire, I have come back for one last time to put the
People's Column to rest forever.
Well, let's review. The Penguins finished the 1998-99 season
38-30-14 (90 points) which was good enough to land them third
place in the Atlantic Division. Not too shabby. If I recall I
picked them...to suck. So let's see, no, suck isn't really close
to third place so I was wrong.
When the Pens ended up with the eight seed in the playoffs and
matched against the New Jersey Devils I told anybody that would
listen that Pittsburgh had a better chance of getting a loan from
Zippy the Wonder Chimp than beating Martin Brodeur and the stingy
Devils' defense. However, Jaromir Jagr's Game 7 heroics that
sent New Jersey home and the birds to Toronto left me standing
with my Sunshine in the Sunshine.
I predicted that Jaromir Jagr would fold like a house of cards
trying to fill Ron Francis' skates and the captain position.
Jagr only managed 83 assists along with 44 goals to win his
second Art Ross Trophy and beat Teemu Selanne for the scoring
title by like 90 points. It was really 20 points but thanks
again, Jags.
I also proclaimed that Kevin Hatcher would cower in the corner at
any sign of physical play in front of the net. Once again, oh
wait a sec, I was right. I was right, woo-hoo. Let's hold off
on that until later. I have a whole section prepared for big
number 4.
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Martin Straka
by Meredith Martini
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TEAM MVP: Being LCS Hockey's favorite number 82 is his game,
Martin Straka is his name. With all due respect to Jaromir Jagr,
who did have a great season, I just had to go with his fellow
countryman. Straka managed to finish the season with 35 goals
and 48 assists (83 points) which was 44 points behind Jagr, but
that's not why I picked him. He's cute too. Marty went out
every game and played with heart. I know that sounds so cliché,
but it actually fits here. I mean Straka wasn't afraid to go out
and finish checks. He would be able to get a great scoring
chance off and make it back to play defense quicker than a
jackrabbit on a date. Straka was great on the penalty kill too.
He found the back of the net four times while the Pens were
shorthanded. Did I mention that the feisty Czech finished a +12?
Well, he did. The Pens had better find a way to sign him in the
off-season. I mean the Pens have other things to worry about
too, like are they going to be here next season. More on that
later too. I have a whole section prepared for big number
Chapter 9.
SURPRISE: Had it not been for Colorado's awesome twosome
of Chris Drury and Milan Hejduk, Pittsburgh's Jan Hrdina would
have taken home the Calder Memorial Trophy. The rookie center put
up pretty decent numbers this season, (13 goals, 29 assists, 42
points) and was only six points behind Hejduk for rookie scoring
leader. I put those same numbers up just last night, (13 shots,
29 chasers, .42 blood alcohol level). But Hrdina wasn't only on
the ice to score goals, Constantine had him out there to take the
face-offs in vital situations. Sometime during the year Hrdina
became one of the NHL's premier face-off men. He was somewhere
in the neighborhood of 99.9% with wins. Well, not that high, but
damn close. He may, in a few years, become one of the best
face-off men ever. Who knows? Not me. Like I said I really
haven't been right all season long. So what will probably happen
is that Hrdina will become bored with hockey, move to Idaho, and
eat plain baked potatoes for the rest of his life. Oh wait,
that's Mike Dell...never mind.
DISAPPOINTMENTS: Kevin Hatcher isn't a bad hockey
player...he just sucks compared to other professional hockey
players. I would also like to go on record as saying that there
is no way, and I mean no way, that Kevin Hatcher and Derian
Hatcher are brothers. It is just impossible. One is just a
shell of the other. Derian Hatcher may just be the nastiest
player in the NHL. Kevin may be the nicest. The 6'3" blueliner
accumulated only 24 penalty minutes in 66 games. 24 minutes.
That's a minute for every check he handed out this season. I
mean he didn't mix it up. He just wasn't nasty like brother
Derian. But 24 minutes is just inexcusable. Let's take a quick
look at a couple of Penguins that finished with more PIM's...
Brad Werenka 93 minutes/81 games
Tyler Wright 90 minutes/61 games
Jiri Slegr 86 minutes/81 games
Bobby Dollas 60 minutes/70 games
Jaromir Jagr 66 minutes/81 games
That's correct, folks. Jaromir Jagr nearly tripled Hatcher's
minutes. He's the man who everyone in the NHL thinks is a
Sunshine. Apparently he's not the biggest one. I've been real
hard on Hatch here, but I just want him to go out and play the
way that he can. That's all I'm saying.
Another disappointment was the loss of Darius Kasparaitis to a
knee injury in early March. The injury sidelined him for the
remainder of the season and maybe part of next season. The
Penguins really could have used Darius in the playoffs to deliver
his punishing checks and antagonize opponents into taking
penalties. There is no doubt that had Kaspar not been injured
the 'Guins would have played the Stars in the finals. 1991
again, yee-haw.
My final letdown this season was Rob Brown's hairplugs. I'm
sorry, but those have got to go. If the plugs don't fit, they
look like Sunshine. Somewhere in this world is a Malibu Barbie
that's smooth as a baby's bottom. Yank 'em!
OFF-SEASON CHANGES: Thursday, June 24, 1999 will decide
if the Penguins will play here next year or if their players will
be put in Friday's expansion draft. Mario Lemieux has been
working incredibly hard to keep the team in the 'Burgh, and with
his proposal he may be able to become the Pens' savior one last
time. The Pens are in debt and have declared bankruptcy to keep
creditors off their back, one of whom is Mario Lemieux. The team
now needs to find new ownership in order to stay put. It's like
this...
In 1991 Howard Baldwin purchased the team. SMG, the company who
holds the lease to the Civic Arena, put up $24 million dollars
toward the purchase. The Pens would then pay SMG back in the
area of $6-7 million per year. In return the Pens would be able
to play in the Civic Arena and the money being paid back would be
their "lease". This repayment schedule is what a lot of people
believe drove the Pens into bankruptcy. In walks Lemieux eight
years later. He has proposed a plan that would pay of all
creditors, including himself. The Penguins still owe him like
$32 million and he is willing to take $20 million of that and put
it right back into the team. He has also gathered other
financial backers to help with the purchase. He and the city of
Pittsburgh will know the fate of their beloved squad later this
week.
Now if the team stays here Craig Patrick will have his hands full
with all the free agents the Pens have right now. Some of which
are Martin Straka, Matthew Barnaby, Alexei Kovalev, Jan Hrdina,
Darius Kasparaitis and others. The Pens have the nucleus to make
a contending team next year and need to work on keeping those
guys together.
STUFF: As the curtain draws on LCS' historic run, I would
like to take this moment to ponder on the good times I've had
over the years and share them with you.
There was this one time, well, umm...yeah, and there was this
other time, well, umm...I guess I liked all the e-mail I got. Oh
yeah, I didn't get any of that either. Wow, this Sunshining
Sunshines. I mean I have to put up with Jim Iovino all the time
calling and asking me to help him out with his articles. Why me?
Jim, would it bust your ass to get a dictionary? Would it? Sam
is a pain in the Sunshine. Then I have Mike Dell so far up my
Sunshine, I can Sunshining taste him. Sunshine you! I'm glad to
be going now that I think about it.
To my fan(s), thanks for reading?
