Well, let me begin by saying that this year has been the best
year in recent memory for the Carolina Hurricanes and the
Hartford Whalers. Why the hell would a team get excited about
going four games over .500, you may ask? This is NOT just a team.
This is a group of men contributing to a losing streak almost as
repugnant as Gary Bettman. Almost.
Some teams may fight for the Cup, but this team fought to qualify
for the Cup. One may look at the talent they had - two 1999
All-Stars in Keith Primeau and Arturs Irbe, Ron Francis, budding
star Sami Kapanen, and stalwart veterans like Steve Chiasson, Ray
Sheppard, and Kevin Dineen, not to mention the 1999 NHL hit
leader and all-around cool guy Gary Roberts. But this team is
cursed by the sporting gods, like the Cubs and the Bengals, to be
god-awful.
Overcoming that was the first of three stages the team went
through the year. This step started before the season began when
they signed the guy whose trading marked the beginning of the
infamous...streak...in Ron Francis. Sure, Pittsburgh loved him,
but he WAS Hartford for a long time - quiet, insubstantial, but
clean. So when he was signed, everyone thought there was no WAY
Carolina could screw this up.
Now, give the guys in red credit - they tried. Helping them screw
up was Trevor "I want to be a fishie!" Kidd, who flops more than
a salmon on crank. Kidder let in seven goals, tying the
always-crappy Lightning and helping the Hurricanes be the first
ever victims of the expansion Predators.
Then I was shown a light, and it was Like Wall. That is to say,
Arturs Irbe, a former starter for the Sharks and a longtime
backup, stepped in. He helped steady Kidd's crap with benign 5'4"
goaltending power.
Thanks to Irbe, the Canes were in contention for the Southeast
lead from game three on. He streaked through October, posting a
0.76 GAA and a .970 save percentage and not allowing more than
two goals in his first eight games. This is a guy we signed as an
afterthought backup, which shows you that only Mike Milbury and a
retarded duck think less than our management.
November was the "cruisin" month for the Canes. Sure, we slacked
off, but we stayed around .500, and that's all you can ask. Plus,
four Hurricanes were on the all-star ballot - Ron Francis, Sami
Kapanen, Keith Primeau, and Arturs Irbe all had their names on
hockey's fan favorite contest.
And thus, the overcoming the past era ends, and the "Our defense
is more beat up than your defense" time begins. December and
January were rougher. The Canes' defense took a tumble as Steve
Chiasson suffered a nasty injury and Dave "The Carp" Karpa
continued to suck. It got so bad that we called up Marek...well,
there's no clever nickname needed. He's a freakin' traffic cone
in every sense of the word - tall, skinny, and stationary. He
sucks. Hard.
So at the end of December, we traded Nellie Emerson for Paul
Coffey. As Ottawa fans would suggest, Emerson is good, while
Coffey is not. It was billed as a trade for "a power play
specialist", but Coffey's older than water but younger than dirt.
He's also noted for not exactly giving it his all, but hey, at
least they didn't acquire Craig "Slow as Hell But Not As Bad As
Malik" Janney. Plus, Nelson didn't fit in here, but he sure fit
in great in Chi-town and Ottawa. Good luck to him next year,
wherever he may be.
February marked the end of the "Our defense is more broken than
Brindy's nose" period and the beginning of the Chokechokechoke
time. See, the Whalers and the Hurricanes both love to choke. It
comes from all the tasty plankton and rednecks that both tend to
eat. So when it's late in the season, both teams like to up the
ante and try to outchoke each other.
February was the team's first month below .500. To instill some
spark in our offense, the Hurricanes management traded Adam Burt
for Andrei "Russian Tank" Kovalenko. Kovalenko is built like a
boxy...Russian...type...well, he's a tank. He proved he can also
score as he netted a goal in his first game against Buffalo with
the Canes. He appears to have left his troubled and party-filled
past behind for a more obedient time with the Canes. More power
to ya, Tankie.
March was the home stretch, and try as they might, the Canes
couldn't choke. Thanks in part to Ronnie Francis they kept
a-truckin the whole time, and even though March was also
sub-.500, the Canes clinched their first playoff birth in
god-knows-how-many years when Buffalo beat Florida in April.
The Hurricanes became the Southeast Division Champions and ended
a skid that covered season upon season. They entered the playoffs
as the 3rd seed thanks to the new divisional seeding policy,
despite having the 8th best record in the East.
The playoffs began with the Canes facing Boston and their
budding, streaking goalie Byron Dafoe. The first game was a
blanking, but the second game...well, it ended years of
frustration with Ray Sheppard's goal in double-OT as many of the
Canes' d-men logged 30+ minutes. The third game in Boston was
taken as well, and word began to slip that the Canes may pull
this one off, that Dafoe was cracking, and that the world had
ended.
Unfortunately, it wasn't gonna happen. The Canes dropped three
straight, including one at home, and the Bruins took the series
4-2, depleted and ripe for the beating Buffalo was to give to
them.
Success is best measured in small steps, and all the Canes need
to do now is to get rid of Malik and sign the #(*$ing offensive
defenseman they need.
TEAM MVP: KEITH PRIMEAU
Now, I know people are going to wonder, "Why didn't he pick Like
Wall? Primeau was non-existent during the playoffs and late in
the season!" I'll tell you why. Primeau was in the top 10 in the
league for hits. He appealed to his audience. He scored 30 goals
and gained public approval for his team and for himself this
season. After all, the rednecks that sit near me are going to
scream for big guys to hit people, not for them to push some
black thingie into a net. They watch fishing shows for that
reason.
Don't get me wrong. He couldn't lead a televangelist to a nursing
home. But he'll be able to soon enough. He didn't choke under the
pressure of having to play for a star-crossed franchise like
Shanacrap. He didn't whine about not playing for a contender like
Coffey. And he didn't slack off like Sanderson. He played hard,
he played injured, and he represented the team. That's what a
captain used to do. And what Primeau does now.
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Arturs Irbe
by Meredith Martini
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TEAM SURPRISE: ARTURS IRBE
There's no contest here. We had this guy come in as a backup,
nothing more, and he's staying an all-star with a three year
contract. And as old as this team is, when it resigns a 32-year-
old netminder, it shows commitment.
Kidd's style of goaltending did not work two seasons in a row. It
may never work again. Irbe gave consistency and someone to make
short jokes on, and for that, I appreciate him. Way to go,
Skipper.
TEAM DISAPPOINTMENT: MARTIN GELINAS
Is this the same guy we traded a 30-goal scorer for? Gelinas
showed he could complain about a nonexistent coach, woo female
fans, and still not score all year. I mean, I'm all for speedster
guys who can set up and score, but Gelinas was one mistake after
another. I won't even talk how he blew Game Six of the series for
us.
Look for him to be traded soon. He fits into a west coast offense
much better than our trap system and he has publicly fought with
the coach over ice time and who has done less for the team.
Honorable mention goes to Marek Malik, but unfortunately, we knew
he sucked, and thus, he never disappointed.
OFF-SEASON CHANGES
Well, the goalie situation must be resolved, and we must have a
solid goalie prospect. Chris Madden is backup material. We need a
starter, and those are hard to come by. Corey Hirsch might be
worth going after.
Apparently, Trevor Kidd will be exposed in the Expansion Draft,
and Atlanta would be idiots for not taking him and trading him
to, say, Edmonton for picks and change. I can't believe he wasn't
traded, but maybe Atlanta will skip over him and take the Carp.
And the crease rule won't suck.
As the team wants to get younger, look for Steve Halko (2nd
string stay at home defenseman), Shane Willis (top rookie in the
NHL and future sniper), Craig Macdonald (gritty 4th liner who
almost has hands), and Byron Ritchie (prospective 3rd line setup
man/center) to be called up this year at random times to try
their luck in fitting into the Canes' lineup.
Also, don't look for Ray Sheppard. He wants money and to be a
contender, and he's 33. That means the Ranjerks have him in
advance. A first line winger to replace him would be great, but
the team could always rush up Shane Willis to take his spot.
Gelinas will likely be moved as well, and thus, another 1st line
winger will be needed. Kapanen could fill this spot, but then we
need a 2nd line winger. This could be a problem...
Basically, though, the management has said they're cutting costs.
The team is old and expensive, and if you stay like that forever
you become Detroit, and everyone hates Detroit. So those who
underachieve will be shipped out, and draft picks will be
stockpiled. The one move that will be made will be to sign
defensemen to take an offensive stance, as well as sign one to
take Steve Chiasson's place. For those who didn't know, Steve was
killed in a one-car accident driving home drunk from the end of
the year party. Rest in peace, Steve.
Here's to becoming Southeast Division Champs two years in a row.
Go Hurricanes!
