Okay, I wanted to start this article off with a really lame joke about the Ottawa Senators, but I couldn't find the right one. So here are three options. Take your pick.

1. What's the difference between the Ottawa Senators and Carrot Top's movie career? Carrot Top's movie career lasted longer.

2. What's the difference between the Ottawa Senators and a glazed donut at Oprah's house? At least the glazed donut would put up a fight.

3. What do the Ottawa Senators and a bottle of Jagermeister have in common? Both go down easy.

Dominik Hasek by Meredith Martini

Yes, the Ottawa Senators, the second seed in the Eastern Conference and one of the most fearsome teams of the 1998-99 season, have been whacked Goodfellas style by Dominik Hasek and the Buffalo Sabres in four straight games.

The Sabres sealed the deal on Tuesday night with a 4-3 win at Marine Midland Arena. Vaclav Varada had a pair of goals to pace the offense while Hasek stopped 40 shots in net, marking his third 40-save effort of the four-game set. Aw, that's just Hasek being Hasek.

Ottawa dominated Game One, outshooting the Sabres 41 to 15, but couldn't solve that skinny dude from the Czech Republic. The loss seemed to break the spirit of the young Senator squad. Hasek was unbelievable all series long, stopping 156 of 162 total shots. For the math impaired, that's good for a .963 save percentage. And for the Science impaired, plants give off oxygen through a process known as photosynthesis. That's photosynthesis.

Michael Peca by Meredith Martini

The Sens could muster only six goals in the series, with superstar center and Hart Trophy candidate Alexei Yashin failing to register a single point. The Sabres, in particular Michael Peca, frustrated the big Russian at every turn. Even his magical turtleneck couldn't save Alexei this time. What's the world coming to when even a magic turtleneck isn't enough to ensure victory?

At least the Senators didn't have to exit the dance alone. The Anaheim Mighty Ducks and Edmonton Oilers were also asked to leave and not return on Tuesday night. Man, three sweeps in the first round. I haven't seen this many mismatches since the cast of "CHiPs" took on the cast of "Facts of Life" in the "Battle of the Network Stars." Don't kid yourself, that Mindy Cohen could really throw a javelin.

At least Edmonton went down swinging. Perhaps inspired by having Wayne Gretzky on hand to drop a ceremonial faceoff, the Oilers forced the Stars to three overtimes before Joey Nieuwendyk deflected a Sergei Zubov point shot behind Tommy Salo at 17:34 of the third extra session to give the Stars a 3-2 win and the series sweep. It was Nieuwendyk's second goal of the game and his third in his last two outings.

This series hinged on Game Three. The Bubbling Crude were enjoying a 2-0 third-period lead on home ice when things got ugly. Mike Keane, Mike Modano, and Nieuwendyk rattled off three goals in a little over six minutes to steal a win and shove the Oil to the brink of elimination. It was a stunning turn of events. Sort of like the time I... see, I should have another joke here but I've been really sick the past three weeks and can't think straight. Sorry.

The Oilers had to play most of Game Four without the services of Dougie Weight. The slick center suffered one of them there scary injuries. Jere Lehtinen belted Ryan Smyth with a hip check at center ice, sending the Edmonton winger head over heels. In a truly frightening scene, Weight skated by at precisely the wrong moment and had Smyth's right skate crash into his mouth. Weight was knocked unconscious and fell to the ice in a bloody mess. He suffered a concussion and required 34 stitches to close his wounds.

Nicklas Lidstrom by Meredith Martini

Fellow Western Conference powerhouse Detroit joined Dallas in the second round by sweeping the hell out of the Mighty Ducks. Anaheim was just no match for the stacked Red Wings. Minor league teams seldom are. The defensive pairing of Chris Chelios and Nicklas Lidstrom completely silenced Paul Kariya and Teemu Selanne as the Wings outscored the Ducks 16-6 for the series. Kariya suffered a broken foot in Game Three when he was struck by a Lidstrom slap shot and wasn't around for Detroit's 3-0 series- clinching win Tuesday night. Not like it would have mattered.

The Colorado Avalanche seem poised to make the second-round dream matchup with Detroit a reality. The Avalanche took both games in San Jose, by scores of 3-1 and 2-1, and now return to McNichols Arena for Games Three, Four, and Five. It doesn't look good for the fish. Joe Sakic has been his usual self, ringing up two goals and an assist in Game One and setting up Milan Hejduk for the overtime winner in Game Two. Sakic is, without doubt, the best clutch player in hockey.

Patrick Roy by Kevin Fischer

The Owen Nolan-Patrick Roy feud has been pretty entertaining to watch. Before the series Nolan had a few quotes blown out of proportion by the media, making is sound like he called Roy a stiff. Patrick said he didn't take it personally and wasn't about to get into a verbal sparring match like the one he had with Jeremy Roenick a few years back, but it sure looks like Roy has concentrated on keeping Nolan off the scoresheets. Nolan has played with tremendous intensity the first two games and has launched 12 shots at Roy only to come up empty each time.

Roy's most harsh denial of Nolan came in overtime of Game Two when a turnover as the Avalanche were trying to leave the zone created a half-court three-on-one for the Sharks. The puck was quickly moved down low to Nolan who was all alone about five feet to Roy's left. The burly winger hurriedly turned the puck to his forehand and tried to chip a shot shortside, but Roy denied him with a left pad save and smothered the rebound. Only a few moments later, Hejduk was lighting the lamp at the other end. For those of you scoring at home, this is what we like to call a "Turning Point."

The biggest surprise out West is that the Phoenix Coyotes are holding a 3-1 series edge over the St. Louis Blues following a 2- 1 win Tuesday night. The deciding goal was credited to Dallas Drake at 19:25 of the second period. Teppo Numminen blasted the puck from the point on the power play and it really didn't look like Drake tipped it, but he got credit. Just another example of the man trying to keep Teppo down.

I didn't think there was a chance in hell that the Coyotes, without Roenick and showing few signs of life down the stretch, could beat a surging St. Louis squad boasting the stalwart defensive tandem of Al MacInnis and Chris Pronger. The Big Daddy Mac has certainly lived up to billing, scoring two goals and eight points in the first three games, but it hasn't been enough to deter the Desert Dogs.

Shane Doan by Meredith Martini

The Coyotes came to life in the overtime of Game Two. After yielding a late third-period power-play goal to Pavol Demitra to knot the score at 3-3, the Coyotes came out like mission men in the OT and got the winner when Shane Doan poked a loose puck over the goal line following a Drake centering pass from behind the cage that struck the leg of St. Louis defender Brad Tiley and took a ride along the red line while eluding the vision of Grant Fuhr.

Pucks continued to elude Fuhr in Game Three. Anytime Louie DeBrusk scores two goals you know you've got a problem. And when one of those goals is scored from center ice, it might be time to look for professional help. Needless to say, Fuhr got the hook. The Coyotes raced out to a 4-0 lead behind the two DeBrusk goals and eventually held on for a 5-4 win. The Dogs will be looking to close out the Blue Note Friday night back in Phoenix.

Moving back to the East, the New Jersey Devils got a huge win Tuesday night in Pittsburgh to even their series with the Birds at two games apiece. Sergei Brylin and Randy McKay each notched a goal and an assist in the 4-2 Devil win. Pittsburgh played its third straight game without Jaromir Jagr, who is out nursing a groin injury suffered late in Game One.

Marty Straka by Meredith Martini

The Pens dropped that opening game but fought back to take a two- one series lead despite not having the Czech Wonder Kid. However, they did have Czech Wonder Kid Jr., Marty Straka. The li'l fella scored a huge goal in his club's 4-1 Game Two victory and then bagged a hat trick in Game Three, leading the Penguins to a 4-2 triumph. The best goal of the three, and maybe the playoffs, was actually his empty-netter. Straka blocked a point shot by Scott Niedermayer, hurdled over Niedermayer as he dove to try and recover, and then outraced Jason Arnott to the loose puck before sliding a backhander home to send hats flying. It was something special.

The Penguins have played some tremendous hockey to this point, getting standout performances from Straka, Alexei Kovalev, and rookie Jan Hrdina up front. They've been getting the puck deep and forechecking the New Jersey defense into mistakes. They're going to have to keep that work ethic high if they want to win the series. Playing such a simple, physical game isn't what Pittsburgh likes to do. Their commitment to the cause will tell how long this series lasts. At least Jagr is expected back on Friday for Game Five.

In a note of comedic relief, Matthew Barnaby and Lyle Odelein have been doing little to hide their dislike for one another. Barnaby called Odelein "Cornelius" in honor of the character from "Planet of the Apes" because, as Barnaby says, "He looks like an ape." Odelein then countered by saying that Barnaby shouldn't talk since his wife is, and I quote, "gawd-awful to look at." Cornelius... that's some funny stuff. If you're a Penguin fan going to Game Six in Pittsburgh, bring bananas. Cornelius. That cracks me up.

Following a brilliant 25-save shutout performance from John Vanbiesbrouck in Game One, Philadelphia appeared ready to steal both games out of Toronto until they came unglued at the end of Game Two. Steve Thomas and Mats Sundin scored goals a little over a minute apart in the final two minutes of regulation to hand the Fly Guys a crushing 2-1 defeat. The Leafs then went into Philly and snagged Game Three by a similar 2-1 score thanks to 40 saves from Curtis Joseph, including many of the incredible variety. There's more on the Leafs-Flyers later in the issue.

Gary Roberts by Meredith Martini

By far, the best series of the first round has been waged between the Boston Bruins and Carolina Hurricanes. I tell you what, it's some quality entertainment. Carolina just hits everything in sight. Gary Roberts has been relentless, racking up nearly 20 hits a night by himself. It's awe-inspiring to watch. Roberts has finished every single check that's presented itself, and he's done it all with bad intentions. But he's not the only one. Keith Primeau, Jeff O'Neill, Kevin Dineen, and just about every other member of the Canes has been in on the hit parade.

Boston has done its best to keep up, getting a noticeably strong effort from young Landon Wilson in the checking department, but Carolina's brutality has been too much. They appear to be wearing the Bruins down, taking Games Two and Three by identical 3-2 scores. Ray Sheppard has been the offensive star, collecting three goals in the two victories, including the OT-winner in Game Two. And how about Paul Coffey? With injuries mounting on the Hurricane blue line, Coffey has stepped up and played like his old self, chasing down loose pucks and logging over twenty minutes a night.

That's about it for now. The playoffs have been pretty good so far. If you get the chance, definitely check out the Carolina- Boston series. It's something to see. Roberts is a bad man.

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