Seth Lerman, your normal Bolt reporter, is off on a secret
mission. I can't divulge the details of the covert operation,
but he should be back for next issue. In the meantime, I'll do
what I can. Start the music...
The men with lightning bolts on their pants are doing their part
to try and increase the amount of scoring in the NHL. The
considerate guys they are, the Bolts are putting the overall
welfare of the league ahead of their own earthly concerns,
yielding 32 goals in their past five games. Aw, that's lovely.
Things got all silly on November 10 when the Blueshirts came to
the Ice Palace. It was quite the debacle. The Rangers rang up a
10 spot, with Kevin Stevens notching a hat trick and Ulf
Samuelsson chipping in two goals for the New York cause.
Whenever you give up five goals to Stevens and Samuelsson, you've
got worry.
Here at LCS, we call a 10-goal game a Happy Meal. You can do it
too. It's fun. Here, watch, I'll use it in a sentence. "The
Rangers blitzed the Bolts for a Happy Meal last night." Aw, that
was great, that was fun...
Billy Ranford took the brunt of the Happy Meal. Since Jacques
Demers feared Puppa's back might tighten up on him if he came in
cold off the bench, Ranford was forced to stay in net for all 10
goals against. That's not gonna help the ol' GAA. And stopping
just 20 of 30 shots won't do wonders for the save percentage,
either. And come to think of it, the kids probably wore
disguises to school the next day...
What better way to come off a 10-goal embarrassment than to
travel west to face Colorado and Phoenix? Oh boy. The newly
revitalized Avalanche belted the Bolts with a snow man in an 8-1
drubbing. At least the Peyote only got half as many goals the
next night, but it was still a 4-1 loss.
The Lightning returned home on November 19 to host the Penguins.
Ranford was spectacular in net early, but he was fighting all by
his lonesome. The Arctic Birds swarmed the cage with wave after
wave of scoring chances. They eventually broke through in the
second, exploding for five goals in the middle frame. Things got
ugly at the end of the game, but read the feature article
elsewhere in the issue for the details.
The teams finished off the rare home-and-home series two nights
later in Pittsburgh. The Penguins put five more goals on the
board, with Marty Straka recording his second consecutive three-
point effort to pace the Pens to a 5-2 victory. The
aforementioned feature also talks about this game, so go check it
out already.
Pulled Puppa: Daren Puppa pulled his groin in the loss at
Pittsburgh and will be sidelined 10 to 14 days. Wow, who would
have guessed? Puppa injured. Will wonders never cease? Corey
Schwab, who hasn't really ever been able to prove that he can do
more than beat up diminutive Swedish netminders with heart
conditions, was recalled from Cleveland to back up Billy Ranford.
Splitsville: Former captain Paul Ysebaert was assigned to
Cleveland of the IHL. Ysebaert, 32, led the Bolts in scoring
last season with 13 goals and 40 points. Of course, he was also
a brutal -43. I feel a little sick even typing that. In 10
games this season, Ysebaert had one assist and was a -5.
Ysebaert wasn't real keen on returning to the minors and wanted
the club to buy out his contract so he could go play in Europe.
Unfortunately, Demers wasn't interested. The coach/GM would
rather see Ysebaert orchestrate a trade for himself to another
NHL team. Good luck.
The Lightning also won't have defensemen Michal Sykora to kick
around anymore. The 6'5", 225-pound Czech blueliner opted to
return to his homeland rather than report to Cleveland. The club
has suspended him indefinitely without pay until Sykora reports.
Um, not gonna happen. Even though he's only 25, it would appear
that Sykora's NHL playing days are over.
No Go: The Ottawa Senators were reportedly interested in
sending defensemen Stanislav Neckar to the Bolts in exchange for
Alexander "Knuckles" Selivanov and Steve Kelly. The Lightning
weren't interested, apparently thinking the asking price was too
high.
Knuckles is my boy. I mean, hell, I gave the guy the nickname.
But let's face it, he's been just awful. It was painful watching
him play in the 5-1 loss to Pittsburgh at home on November 19.
Every time he touched the puck he gave it away. It was
ridiculous. Yet just when you want to write him off for good he
comes back with a strong showing, as he did the next time out
with a goal and an assist in Pittsburgh.
Selivanov is fresh from off-season wrist surgery so maybe that's
why he had so much difficulty recently handling the puck. But
even that excuse doesn't hold much water since the goal he scored
was with a backhand deke and the assist came courtesy of a
brilliant move to the inside around a defender and a sweet
backhand pass. No, I'd venture to say that Selivanov's problems
are, and always were, between his ears. C'mon, Knuckles! Snap
out of it!
Nazarov Nailed: Resident psychotic Andrei Nazarov was
given a seven-game suspension by the NHL for cross-checking
Colorado defenseman Cam Russell in the face on November 13.
Nazarov is koo koo for cocoa puffs. He's so dirty he even scares
the Scrubbing Bubbles. I didn't see the incident myself, but I'm
going to go out on a limb and say Nazarov deserved what he got...
FoxSports Sucks: Former Lightning GM Phil Esposito has
taken a job as an analyst with FoxSports. He'll be doin' the
same sort of thing that Craig Simpson did last year, except when
Espo does it the segments will probably make less sense and will
ultimately end up in last place after a string of several ill-
advised trades.
For those of you that don't get FoxSports, consider yourself
lucky. They're like the pathetic little brother that ESPN never
talks about. If not for Lauren Sanchez, who happens to be real
easy on the eyes, the whole thing would be a waste. Well, maybe
not the whole thing. There are two other reporters that are
pretty hot. One looks like Sara Silverman and the other has
short blonde hair, fill in the names if you got 'em. Oh, I
forgot, Keith Olbermann is joining on soon to anchor the studio
show. Oooh, I'm impressed. Whatever, dude. Olbermann's got two
good obscure references, one from "What's up, Tiger Lilly?" and
the other from "Animal House." Outside of that he's beat. Dan
Patrick carried him. Kenny Mayne could kick his ass.
Anyway, good luck, Espo!
Kjell Game: The Lightning are 6-5-1 when Kjell Samuelsson
plays. When the human tripod doesn't make the lineup, the Bolts
are 0-6-1.
Stats and Whatnot: Wendel Clark leads the Lightning in
goals with nine, even though he hasn't scored one since the
Carter administration. Clark's also tied with Craig Janney (2-
12-14) for the team lead in points with 14.
Daymond Langkow has been impressive since getting another shot
with the big club. Langkow has bagged four goals and nine points
in 14 games and leads the team with a +4.
Sandy McCarthy leads the way in penalty minutes with 62. Rookie
defenseman Pavel Kubina is second with 47. Keep an eye on
Kubina, he could be a good one. He's got size, strength, and he
can carry the puck. He could become an impact player. It's just
too bad he made an incredibly stupid play near the end of the
second Pittsburgh game when he checked Penguin winger Martin
Sonnenberg from behind into the boards. Luckily, Sonnenberg was
not injured. Kubina was given a five-minute major and a game
misconduct. It will be astounding if he doesn't receive a stiff
suspension from Colin Campbell. The hit was extremely reckless
and could have ended Sonnenberg's career.
Back to stats and whatnot, Cory Cross leads the team in ice time,
playing an average of 22.83 minutes per game. He also leads the
way with 30 hits.
The recent defensive woes have ballooned Billy Ranford's goals-
against average to a league worst 4.86. His save percentage has
also taken a beating, dropping to .859. Meanwhile, Puppa checks
in with a 2.87 goals-against and a .906 save percentage.
