It just wouldn't be an NHL All-Star Weekend without the zany NHL Skills Competition. And it wouldn't be an NHL Skills Competition unless ESPN butchered the coverage.

The total sports network outdid themselves this year, taking their annual ritual of ineptness to new lows thanks to repeated blunders by announcer Gary Thorne, the usual annoyance of Bill Clement, and the always hurried pace of the events. Why can't they just take their time and let the fans enjoy things. It would be nice if they talked to more players and actually showed a replay now and again. This thing happens once a year and ESPN acts like they have a plane to catch. At least Barry Melrose was around to laugh maniacally every time someone made an attempt at a joke. That's always good wholesome fun.

While the broadcast of the event was filled with grief, the night itself was actually pretty cool... at times.

HEROES OF HOCKEY GAME
As per usual, the old-timers kicked things off, as a team of NHL Heroes battled a squad of former Vancouver alumni. Usually this portion of the program is always a good time to take a nap or catch up on some light reading, but this year's game was actually pretty damn good. It was wide open, featured some swell passing, a couple nice goals, and actually contained some true comedy.

The NHL Heroes eventually prevailed, 3-2, behind a pair of Darryl Sittler goals scored less than a minute apart in the second half of the game. Yeah, the game is divided into two 15-minute halves with running clocks because, well, these guys are old. Anyway, good ol' Reggie Lemelin was also a standout for the victorious NHL squad, stopping all 14 shots he faced over the second half of the contest.

Sittler was impressive. His first goal of the night was a beauty. He had the defense backing in and piped a wrister from the high slot. It was, like, a real goal. Then late in the game, with the NHL holding onto its 3-2 lead, Vancouver elected to pull its goaltender and go with the extra attacker. That's when Sittler corralled the puck at center ice and was in home free on the left wing. But instead of ending the game and completing his hat trick with an empty-netter, Sittler carried the puck to the crease and stopped. Aw, that's just cool. Because as we all know, in the immortal words of Al Iafrate, "Empty nets are for sissies." As a result of Sittler's generosity, the home fans almost got to see their Canuck Heroes tie the game the very next trip up ice, but a chest-high deflection bounced off a surprised Lemelin and found its way wide of the net.

Two other standouts were Vancouver's Dave "Tiger" Williams and the NHL's Dennis Hull. These two had a couple of memorable meetings. The first occurred early in the game when Tiger, the NHL's all-time leader in penalty minutes with 3,966, appeared to trip Hull along the boards. But appearances can be deceiving. It was a dive all the way. So much so that Hull was given a penalty for lousy acting and Williams was awarded a penalty shot.

Not exactly known for his breakaway prowess, Tiger roared through center ice and picked up the puck on a mission. As he crossed the blue line some NHL Heroes tossed a couple sticks from the bench to try and distract him. But Tiger was a mission man. He coolly sidestepped the launched lumber and then proceeded to swoop in on goaltender Murray Bannerman, pulling the NHL netminder to the ice with a nifty forehand move before flipping a shot upstairs for the goal. Then came the best part. Much to the delight of the Vancouver faithful, Williams busted out his old goal celebration, sitting on his stick and riding it like a Harley back through center. He was like all "Chugga chugga woo woo" as he pumped his arm and sped over the ice. Aw, that was great, that was fun.

Williams and Hull would met up again in the second half. This time the two men squared off in front of the benches and dropped their gloves. But then Hull wisely offered to shake Tiger's hand instead. Good decision. As Hull was trying desperately to kiss up to Williams, putting his arm around him like they were old buddies, Tiger actually looked disappointed that they weren't gonna throw. Maybe that's why the ref gave him a penalty.

Hull wasn't quite so lucky on his penalty shot. As he picked the puck up he told everyone, "I'm gonna slap it high." Seconds later, when his shot dribbled along the ice five feet wide of the right post, Hull simply responded, "I missed it low." That's classic.

In fact, Hull was easily the game's MVP. He was a walking punchline. The jokes just kept on comin'. I don't know if he was auditioning for Letterman or what, but Hull broke out the A material. The best line of the night came in the moments following Hull's precarious escape from his near fatal decision to drop the gloves with Williams. Upon considering how close he came to getting pummeled, Hull said, "I'm glad Tiger didn't have a flashback." Aw, that's funny stuff.

ALL-STAR INTRODUCTIONS
After the ice was cleared from the Heroes game, it was time for the introduction of the World and North American All-Star squads. Since the World team is naturally the visitor, they were introduced first. Yet all the players were wearing their home whites. That's odd. But not quite as odd as the introductions themselves.

Suddenly a rave broke out. The lights went down, all sorts of lasers were shooting to and fro', and some whack-ass techno music filled the air. There were even two guys down in the right wing corner hawking ecstasy. It was some wild, wild stuff. What's up with the techno music? I know these guys are European and everything, but c'mon... I think a better choice might have been the Neil Diamond classic "Coming to America." But, hey, that's just me...

Once the World team was introduced, the North American club made its way to the runway. Thankfully, the techno music was scrapped. But not so thankfully, it was replaced some ridiculous sounding cross between Sha Na Na and Earth Wind and Fire. My ears are still ringing.

PUCK CONTROL RELAY
The first event of the night is always the puck control relay. Three members from each team carry a puck through a maze of stolen traffic cones. Once again the NHL refused my suggestions on how to spice up this rather lame event. Sadly, there were no fire hazards or oil slicks added this year, it was just the usual stuff. And, like usual, Wayne Gretzky lost it for his team. Why do they even let Gretzky do it anymore? Every year he gets beaten like a drum. Remember the time he fell down? Maybe it's time to just have Wayne sit on the side and keep score...

The coolest part of this year's race was a head-to-head matchup between Colorado teammates Joe Sakic and Peter Forsberg on the first leg. Both superstars darted through the course like nobody's business, finishing in almost a dead heat. Next out of the blocks was Gretzky and Saku Koivu. Game over. Koivu practically lapped Gretzky. He was already back at the hotel having a sandwich by the time Gretzky picked up the puck. Sandis Ozolinsh skated the anchor leg for the World squad and coasted to victory, while Brian Leetch had no hope of pulling out a win for North America.

The World team was given a point in the overall scoring for winning the event. Another point is up for grabs in an individual head-to-hate race through the course. The World team elected to go with Teemu Selanne, while North America countered with li'l Theo Fleury. The li'l fella appeared to school Selanne rather easily, but upon further review, um, well, Fleury went the wrong way around one of the cones and was disqualified. Theo's tricky like that. So after one event, the World team had a 2-0 lead.

FASTEST SKATER
This used to be a marquee event. Two players doing laps around the ice at speeds mere mortals could never hope to achieve. But thanks to a lame rule that let's a player's stick be the deciding factor in crossing the finish line, the results are usually messed up. So I really have no idea what the final results were. And ESPN didn't exactly help out by explaining things.

The first race had Valeri Kamensky going against Darryl Sydor. Kamensky won easily. He was clocked at 14.1 seconds and Sydor at 14.6.

Next up was the dream race between Pavel Bure and Tony Amonte. Watching these guys skate was something special. While the race was incredible, Bure clearly beat Amonte across the finish line. But Amonte was announced as having the faster time, 13.7 to Bure's 13.9, because he stretched out with his stick to hit the finish line. That's jive.

The same thing happened in the last heat, where Peter Bondra clearly beat Scott Niedermayer, yet Niedermayer used his stick to get a faster time. I wish I could tell you what his time was, but ESPN never divulged the information.

Now here's where things get tricky. The World team was a awarded a point for having the fastest average time, but Niedermayer earned a point for the North Americans because he had the single fastest time. Which is a bunch of garbage since Bondra beat him, but what can you do? All I know is that they're all pretty fast...

Score after two events: World 3, North America 1.

HARDEST SHOT
Everyone knew going in that Al MacInnis was the man to beat. And the Big Daddy Mac didn't disappoint, claiming his fourth career win with a blast of 100.4 miles per hour on his second attempt. Mac Daddy's first try also produced the second fastest shot of 98.6... not only is that a good speed for a slap shot, but it's also a damn fine temperature.

Dmitri Mironov added some comic relief when nothing he shot registered on the speed gun. Normally participants are given only two shots, but because of the faulty equipment Dmitri had to fire a total of seven pucks. Including one, his second try, which missed the net completely. Finally on his seventh shot, the gun picked up a reading of 91.8. The shot that registered wasn't his best. He wired a few top shelf that looked mighty quick.

Mironov wasn't the only star to miss the cage. Mike Modano found the glass after first busting his stick on his original effort. Here's all the competitors and their best shot:

World

Pavel Bure          94.4
Dmitri Mironov      91.8
Peter Bondra        93.6
Nicklas Lidstrom    90.0
Team average.......92.28

North America

Chris Chelios       98.1
John LeClair        96.0
Al MacInnis        100.4
Mike Modano         96.9      
Team average.......98.05

North America claimed two points for the event, one for having the fastest team average and the other for having the individual winner.

Score after three events: World 3, North America 3

RAPID FIRE
Next up was rapid fire, the first goaltending event of the evening. This is really murder on the netminders. Two shooters stand about 15 feet away at either side of the slot and alternate firing five pucks each. The shooters are supposed to wait for a ref's whistle before shooting, but they seldom do. So the goalie ends up racing back and forth like a chimp getting totally out of position and getting hit from all angles. It would probably be better if they just had one shooter empty all five shots and then have the goalie more over to the next guy, instead of going back and forth. At least that way we'd actually get to see some goaltending technique. Now it's pretty much just jump back and forth as fast as you can and hope it hits you.

Scoring for this event is a little different. Along with the team competition, goaltenders are also competing against one another. A goalie gets a point for each save he makes, while the three netminders that make the most saves combined earn a point for their respective team.

Eddie Belfour took to the pipes first and went up against Daniel Alfredsson and Jere Lehtinen. Belfour managed to shut out Lehtinen, but Alfredsson beat him three out of five. Alf, standing on the left side, blistered two perfect wrist shots into the top right corner over Belfour's glove and then sealed the deal by slapping a low shot stick-side. Alfredsson is a bad man.

Olaf "The Berserker" Kolzig was next and took on Dougie Weight and Theo Fleury. Kolzig matched Belfour's seven saves, allowing two to Weight and one to Fleury. Weight beat him over the blocker and low to the glove, while Theo snuck one low stick- side.

Martin Brodeur made his debut and promptly got beaten for six goals by the defensive duo of Sergei Zubov and Igor Kravchuk, with the Russian blueliners bagging three each. Zubov started things by beating Brodeur through the five-hole and then went on to pipe two beautiful shots in a row over Brodeur's catching glove a la Alfredsson. Zubov came close to getting a fourth goal, but his final shot, likewise ticketed for the top right corner, drew iron. Kravchuk showed a little bit more variety in his shot selection, beating Brodeur blocker, glove, and five- hole.

Nikolai Khabibulin followed up Brodeur's weak showing by only making five saves himself. But Khabby was all about entertainment. He was flopping around like a mad man. It still wasn't enough to stop Darryl Sydor from potting three and Scott Stevens from bagging a pair. Sydor worked Khabby upstairs, putting one over his catcher and two over his blocker. Stevens put both of his high glove-side, with his first one catching the right post and then the crossbar before finally nestling in the twine on the left side of the cage. Stevens just managed to score on his final shot, as Khabby dove across and waved the glove in desperation. Even tho' he came up empty on the save, it was still somethin' to see.

Patrick Roy was the final North American goaltender and had to face the Czech tandem of Jaromir Jagr and Bobby Holik. Jagr scored high short-side over Roy's glove on his very first shot and later added one five-hole. Holik found the net on his fourth shot, sneaking one between Roy's blocker and body.

Dominik Hasek, equipped with a camera on his head, closed things out against Eric Lindros and Mark Recchi. Hasek stopped their first six shots before Recchi finally beat him low stick-side to the far post. Lindros immediately followed up with another low stick-side goal. Hasek managed to deny Recchi's final chance, but Lindros buried his last shot over Hasek's blocker.

Belfour, Kolzig, Roy, and Hasek all stopped seven shots, but the World team won the overall event with 19 saves compared to 18 for North America.

Score after four events: World 4, North America 3.

SHOOTING ACCURACY
Finally, an event for the masses. Who doesn't hang round the house shooting pucks at paper plates? Everyone knows how this works. A guy stands in the slot and gets eight shots at the four targets. The pucks are passed out to him from the corners by teammates. There's also a time limit. I think it's like 15 seconds. I don't know... Here are some of the highlights:

First up was Sergei Zubov. It was kind of odd putting Zubov in a shooting competition. When Igor Larionov passed him the first puck, Zubie surveyed the scene and passed it to another one of his teammates. When the second puck came in from Mats Sundin, Zubie faked a shot and then passed off. This continued until officials finally stepped in and explained to Zubie that he had to actually shoot the puck. Oh the horror. Anyway, Zubov eventually hit three targets on seven shots.

After Keith Tkachuk went two-for-eight, Jari Kurri stepped up for the World team. And how can I say this? Watching Kurri in this event was, shall we say, disappointing? Shall we say, depressing as hell? We shall say depressing as hell. Aw, it broke my heart to see the once great sniper struggle to find the big foam bull's eyes. And it wasn't that he was missing the targets, it was how he was missing 'em. It almost seemed like he couldn't lift the puck. Several shots trickled along the ice and bounced wide of the net. One shot floated harmlessly on net only to hit the target and stop dead in its tracks. Even when he hit the top right target on his final shot, it looked like he had to use his leg as a fulcrum to lift the puck. It... it's still hard to talk about it... let's just move on before I start to cry again...

Another guy who had his woe was Ziggy Palffy. The man named Ziggy only hit one target. Even Kurri hit two! Palffy just needed some defenseman out there to split before shooting, that's all.

Ray Bourque is always the favorite in this event and he did come through, hitting all four targets on six shots. That same total was matched by former winner Brendan Shanahan. Peter Forsberg made a bid at perfection, starting off three-for-three, but scuffled a bit trying to hit the bottom right target and ended four-for-six.

Here's everybody's numbers:

World

Sergei Zubov       3-for-7
Jari Kurri         2-for-8
Ziggy Palffy       1-for-8
Peter Forsberg     4-for-8
Team total.......10-for-31

North America

Keith Tkachuk      2-for-8
Brendan Shanahan   4-for-6
Mark Messier       3-for-8
Ray Bourque        4-for-6
Team total.......13-for-28

North America earned one point for hitting the most targets in the fewest shots. Since both teams had players that tied for the individual lead, each team earned an extra point.

Score after five events: World 5, North America 5

NORELCO CRUELTY
Following the shooting accuracy, it was time for the "Norelco $5- Million Shootout" or something like that. I'm not sure what its official name was, but it should have been called "The You Have No Chance of Winning Anything You Poor Bastard Shootout."

The idea was that a fan would be chosen at random to compete in the shooting accuracy contest and be given a chance to win $5 million. The lucky fan would get a cool million for every target he or she hit, plus a bonus million if he or she banged all four foam plates.

That sounds like a sweet deal. The only problem is that there were a series of ridiculous rules that made it virtually impossible for anyone to win. The worst rule was the one that stated the chosen fan could not have participated in any form of organized hockey in the past ten years. That's weak. For more info on the jive rules, read this article written a few weeks back by our very own Ace Reporter, Jim Iovino.

So this guy, Wayne King from Akron, Ohio, wins the drawing and gets to go out at center in a packed arena, wearing a punk-ass Norelco jersey and hat, surrounded by some of the best hockey players on the planet, and gets to make an ass out of himself.

This poor guy never had a chance. Standing 31 feet away from the net and with only eight seconds to take four shots, it was obvious he had no idea how to shoot a puck. They said Mike Modano was coaching him, but I guess Modano forgot to teach him how to take a wrist shot. This guy was holdin' the stick up high on the shaft and took four pathetic hacks. Not a single puck made it off the ice. It was just a joke. Norelco should be ashamed. Wayne did win a $10,000 conciliation prize. Yippee skippee... he could sue Norelco for defamation of character and win five times that much.

The All-Stars tried to console Wayne, but if they really wanted to help why didn't they pass the hat around and give the guy a million bucks. What the hell? Joe Sakic could look under his couch cushions and give the guy two or three million.

BREAKAWAY RELAY
Getting back to the Skills Competition, there was one event left. The Breakaway Relay. This is, by far, the best event of the competition. Each goalie takes a turn at trying to stop six different shooters on breakaways. It's awesome. Except, of course, when guys show no creativity at all and just hit the hash marks and take wrist shots. That's just sad. People don't watch this thing to see wrist shots, they want to see talent. Make a move!

The scoring for the event went like this: each goal scored was a point in the team competition, while each save earned the goaltender a point in the goaltending battle.

Here are recaps of each round:

GROUP ONE
Ed Belfour: Four saves.

Sandis Ozolinsh: Scored. Took Belfour to Freaksville with a nifty backhand deke. He froze the Eagle by dropping his shoulder and throwing a slight head fake before pulling it to his backhand and slipping it home.

Slava Fetisov: Missed. He fired a wrist shot off the left post. After looking at the tape in slow motion, the puck appeared to bounce off the post, hit Belfour in the back, and then barely sneak across the goal line before the Eagle swept it out. But the ref ruled no goal.

Igor Larionov: Stopped. Tried to go forehand five-hole but Belfour was all over it.

Ziggy Palffy: Missed. Ziggy appeared to have Belfour beaten with a backhand move only to clank his shot high off the right post.

Bobby Holik: Stopped. Holik fanned on his shot. Yeah, that'll suck.

Jaromir Jagr: Scored. Jagr stunned Belfour by just hitting the hash marks and taking a wrist shot. The puck squeezed through Belfour's pads and crawled over the goal line.

GROUP 2
Olaf Kolzig: Four saves.

Darryl Sydor: Scored. Wristed a shot that snuck through the five-hole.

Scott Stevens: Stopped. Stevens made a move to his backhand but Kolzig read it nicely and snagged the shot with his glove. He made it look easy.

Doug Weight: Stopped. I have no idea what Weight was thinking. He has one of the best breakaway moves in show business, where he turns his skates to sell backhand and then stuffs it forehand, but he didn't use it. Instead he just wristed a shot five-hole. Weak.

Brendan Shanahan: Scored. Shanny broke out some funk. He drew Kolzig to the ice with a forehand move and then snapped a shot upstairs.

Keith Tkachuk: Stopped. Wrist shot blocker.

Mike Modano: Stopped. Wrist shot five-hole.

GROUP 3
Martin Brodeur: Four saves.

Daniel Alfredsson: Stopped. Alfie drifted to his left before trying to pick the top right corner over Brodeur's glove. But Marty managed to flash the leather and knock it wide. It was a sweet save.

Nicklas Lidstrom: Stopped. Wrist shot five-hole.

Jari Kurri: Stopped. Wrist shot that Brodeur kicked out with his left pad.

Valeri Kamensky: Scored. It's show time whenever Kamensky has the puck. The super-skilled Russian winger annihilated Brodeur with a silky smooth backhand move.

Pavel Bure: Stopped. Wrist shot into Brodeur's pads.

Peter Bondra: Scored. Brodeur attempted to surprise Bondra by diving out and trying to pokecheck, but the Slovakian speedster slammed on the breaks and pulled the puck to his forehand before tapping the biscuit into the yawning net.

GROUP 4
Nikolai Khabibulin: Two saves.

Ray Bourque: Scored. Piped a wrist shot top right corner.

Al MacInnis: Stopped. Forehand move denied by Khabby's glove.

Mark Messier: Scored. Messier held the puck for an eternity before sneaking a wrist shot five-hole.

Tony Amonte: Stopped. Amonte was another guy who didn't bust out his best move. Instead he just tried to go high blocker without much success.

John LeClair: Scored. LeClair barged down the slot and hammered a low drive past Khabby glove side.

Eric Lindros: Scored. Trickled a shot through Khabby's five-hole.

GROUP 5
Patrick Roy: Four saves.

Saku Koivu: Missed. Koivu had Roy beaten with a backhand move but lost the puck.

Sergei Zubov: Scored. Zubie did the same move but didn't lose the puck. Roy was kind of irate after giving up the goal and yelled somethin'...

Jere Lehtinen: Stopped. Lehtinen continued the string of backhand moves, but he tried to cross up Roy by sending it five- hole. Roy snuffed it.

Peter Forsberg: Missed. Petey ripped a slap shot high and wide of the right post.

Mats Sundin: Scored. Roy lunged out to pokecheck and stacked the pads the way Brodeur did earlier, but again the ploy failed, as Sundin pulled it to his backhand and scored.

Teemu Selanne: Stopped. Selanne drew Roy to the ice with a forehand move and held the puck before trying to fire a shot upstairs. But St. Patrick reached up with his glove and swatted it out of the air. It was probably the save of the night.

GROUP 6
Dominik Hasek: Six saves.

Brian Leetch: Stopped. Tried to go high glove side with a wrist shot.

Scott Niedermayer: Missed. Fired a wrist shot wide of the left post.

Joe Sakic: Missed. Sakic held the puck forever, waiting until he was right on top of Hasek before blistering a quick wrister over his glove. While the shot beat Hasek, it didn't beat the crossbar.

Mark Recchi: Stopped. Hasek pokechecked the puck away as Recchi was trying a backhand move.

Wayne Gretzky: Stopped. Gretzky floated a weak wrist shot up high that Hasek caught with his left arm.

Theo Fleury: Stopped. Theo caught Hasek going down too early and tried to go top shelf with a wrist shot. But even though he was practically on his stomach, Hasek reached up with his glove and snagged the puck.

Hasek needed to stop all six of his shots to send the competition to an overtime shootout, and he came through like a champ. So with the overall competition tied at 11-11, each team selected one shooter to try and break the deadlock.

The World went first and chose Jagr to go up against Roy. This was a titanic matchup. Jagr wasn't going to just take a wrist shot this time around. He held the puck, turned it over a few times, and then darted to his forehand and wristed one high short-side. Roy followed the play beautifully and slid across to the post in exceptional butterfly position. But it wasn't enough to stop Jagr's shot. The puck somehow squeezed through Roy and put the World ahead 12-11.

Presented with a do-or-die situation and facing a goaltender that just stoned six breakaways, the North American team turned to the best clutch scorer in the game. That would be none other than Joe Sakic. The $17-million man streaked in on Hasek, pulled the puck to his backhand, and flipped a shot upstairs that hit the Dominator's glove and skipped into the net to tie the contest at 12-12. Aw, that's just Sakic being Sakic.

Sakic's goal meant another round of sudden death. The World team sent up Teemu Selanne. The Finnish Flash is tremendous on breakaways. In his vast arsenal of weapons, he has what I think is the best breakaway move. It's a classic where he sells a wrist shot by getting up on one leg and throwing a head fake before pulling the puck backhand. While this would have been a perfect time to use it, Selanne went with a slight variation of the move. He didn't even bother to get up on one leg. He simply cruised in, deked forehand with a head fake, and pulled the puck to his backhand before beating Roy up under the bar. The goal was amazing.

North America once again had its back to the wall. But Sakic had already went. So Mike Modano was elected. Modano made his way in on net and didn't really do a whole lot to disguise what he was going to do. He just fired a wrist shot high glove side that Hasek devoured with his catcher. The save gave the World team a 13-12 victory. The winners split a $90,000 purse... that doesn't mean, like, a lady's handbag worth $90,000... but rather a total cash prize of $90,000.

Hasek also won the goaltending competition. Here are the final goaltending numbers:

Dominik Hasek      13 saves
Ed Belfour         11 saves
Olaf Kolzig        11 saves
Patrick Roy        11 saves
Martin Brodeur      8 saves
Nikolai Khabibulin  7 saves     

Wow, this article was huge. I think I mentioned everything of importance that happened. There were a few really cool moments: Sakic and Forsberg going at it in the puck control relay; Bure and Amonte motoring around the rink in the skating competition; MacInnis breaking the century mark; the beautiful breakaway goals by Ozolinsh, Kamensky, Jagr, Selanne, and Sakic; and the big saves from Hasek. That's about it. I'm tired.

January 18, 1998

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