LCS Hockey: Born Again
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April 20, 2019
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BETTMAN'S COURT
Gary Bettman plans to meet with representatives of Steve Moore and Todd Bertuzzi next week, hoping to resolve Moore's $19.5-million lawsuit against Bertuzzi and the Vancouver Canucks. Bettman makes King Solomon look like, well, an incredibly tall, smart man. But you never know, some of the best mediators are lousy commissioners. In fact, I hear John Ziegler is this close to solving that whole Israeli-Palestinian thing.

I just hope Steve Moore gets his money. The guy's life was changed forever because of an illegal assault. The incident also changed how I personally view Pierre Lacroix and the Colorado Avalanche franchise. Lacroix's signing of Brad May following the lockout was a complete disgrace. And is it just me, or did the Avs completely abandon Moore? If someone out there can tell me how Colorado has supported the guy, please write and let me know. Because I haven't seen it.


QUACK, QUACK, QUACK
The Anaheim Ducks are making a mockery of the league, running their record to an ungodly 25- 3-6 with a 2-1 win in Atlanta Wednesday night. Teemu Selanne once again led the way, scoring both Duck goals, giving him 19 on the season and 15 in his past 15 games. It's old school Finnish Flash. When you're a Jet, you're a Jet.

But if you're a Ducks fan, you've gotta be nervous. Let's face it, the Ducks aren't this good. They've got great goaltending, a top-heavy blue line, and exactly one dependable scorer up front. There's not a lot of room for error in Anaheim. The offense could dry up in a hurry come playoff time when teams can truly match up against the Selanne-Andy McDonald-Chris Kunitz line. As dominating as they've been, it's not gonna mean a damn thing come April if Selanne slumps.

Don't get me wrong, the Ducks are rock solid, easily one of the top three teams in the league, but they're not all-time good. These aren't the Guy Lafleur Canadiens or Wayne Gretzky Oilers. These Ducks could definitely go south come Spring.

At some point, the Water Fowl are going to hit a wall. There aren't many wire-to-wire Cup winners these days. Adversity reveals character. Talk to me after they've lost three or four in a row. If they ever do.


ROENICK BEING ROENICK
Jeremy Roenick has long been a target of LCS Hockey's vitriolic scorn and scathing sarcasm. Few things in life are easier than making fun of JR Wanna-be Superstar. The dude gives all hockey players a bad name. He's the epitome of the selfish millionaire athlete. He went Hollywood once the big checks started rolling in, selling out faster than Doritos at a Grateful Dead concert.

Roenick's latest "Big Time" behavior came during Phoenix's 5-2 loss in Vancouver Tuesday night. JR, he of the one goal, six points, and minus-9 in 28 games, was a healthy scratch against the Canucks, although the club tried to say he was out with a back injury.

Well, Roenick's back felt good enough to leave the arena halfway through the game. Wayne Gretzky was not amused. He scratched Roenick again for Phoenix's 5-4 shooutout win over Columbus last night. When confronted about the issue earlier yesterday, Roenick gave this memorable quote to the Arizona Republic.

"I was at the game for part of the game and then I went for dinner. I don't think there is anything wrong with going and having a nice dinner, having a beer and watching the hockey game. I don't know why everybody is trying to create a stir or create a controversy."

Unbelievable. Roenick went on to say this will definitely be his last season. Are you sure? Because I think teams will be lining up around the block for a 37-year-old, bloated center who can't score and quits on his teammates. Maybe JR can get a recurring role on "Ghost Whisperer." His hockey career is certainly dead.

I don't even have to make jokes about Roenick anymore. He's become a joke. He's his own punch line. But that doesn't mean I still can't try.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Jeremy Roenick.
Jeremy Roenick who?
(I'm sorry, there's no finish to the joke because Roenick quit and went to dinner.)

Why did Jeremy Roenick cross the road?
To quit and go to dinner.

How many Jeremy Roenicks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know, they set up the ladder and then they all quit and go to dinner.

JR, it's over buddy. You're embarrassing yourself, the Phoenix Coyotes, Gretzky, the NHL, and the very sport of hockey. Personally, I like having you around for comic relief, but it might be best if you just quit and went to dinner. And don't come back.


LEMIEUX THE BAD RETURNS?
As I was watching Diego Sanchez knock out Joe Riggs on the ol' UFC Fight Night, a commercial came on for Spike TV's "Pros vs. Joes," a reality show pitting former professional athletes against normal dudes.

They were showing brief glimpses of the athletes involved, and the usual washed up suspects were present, Michael Irvin, Roy Jones Jr, Jose Canseco, etc, when suddenly Claude Lemieux flashed upon my TV machine. At least I thought it was Claude. He's only seen from the back, but "Lemieux" and No. 22 were on the sweater, and I can't see Mario hanging out with a bunch of losers, at least that's why he always says he can't attend LCS staff picnics. So I reckon it's gotta be Claude.

I've never seen this "Pros vs Joes" thing, but hell, I'll tune in if I can watch Claude run some frat boy into the boards. And you know he'll win the turtling competition. I just hope when it's over, all the contestants shake his freakin' hand.


LCS Hockey: Born Again
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