LCS Hockey: Born Again
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August 17, 2019
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The Cool List


Here at the LCS, we like to keep you, our valued readers, up to date on all that’s cool and hip and whatnot. For instance, I’m hearing great things about this “alcohol” stuff. It’s supposed to be the cat’s pajamas. Real wizard and such.

Since this is supposedly an NHL site, we feel it’s our duty to inform you, our valued readers, about the coolest players in the league.

Personally, I think Brenden Morrow is the coolest player on the planet right now, but he gets enough hype. We like to shine the ol’ heart light on guys deserving of more attention. If you were to purchase one of those hockey sweater things and put one of the following names on it, well, you’d be pretty, pretty cool.

1. Milan Lucic, Boston Bruins: Next Cam Neely? Maybe. Coolest player in the NHL? No doubt. FEAR LUCIC!

2. Mikko Koivu, Minnesota Wild: The other Koivu is about to go all Superfly TNT on the league. You’ve been warned.

3. Anze Kopitar, Los Angeles Kings: He’s from Slovenia. End of discussion.

4. Paul Stastny, Colorado Avalanche: Coolness runs in the family.

5. Jonathan Toews, Chicago Blackhawks: Not only is he a spectacular player, his name is pronounced “Taves.” That’s just silly. I love when people stick it to all logic and grammatical precedent. Fight the power.

6. Mike Komisarek, Montreal Canadiens: He blocks more shots than the Temperance Movement.

7. David Clarkson, New Jersey Devils: How cool is Clarkson? He threw with Lucic. Sure, he lost, but what have you ever won? Where are your gold medals?

8. Brent Burns, Minnesota Wild: Elbow injury, shmelbow injury. Cool knows no pain.

9. Shea Weber, Nashville Predators: Weber almost makes the abomination that is Nashville hockey tolerable. Almost.

10. Pascal Leclaire, Columbus Blue Jackets: I actually like the Blue Jackets. They’ve got Rick Nash, some real swank uniforms, and a wicked cool netminder.

If not for the dorks and losers, we’d have no idea who the cool people are. Obviously, Chris Chelios is the least cool player in the NHL. But the old man just broke his shin due to an appalling lack of calcium. And I hear tell he may be on his way to the glue factory. It’s for the best.

Anyway, we’ll spare Chelios this time, because there’s a much bigger creep on the loose.

Marian Hossa, Filthy Red Wings: He stabbed the Birds in the back. And for that, he is my enemy. Hossa is a punk. Notarized letters of recommendation from Fonzi and John Shaft wouldn’t be enough to make Hossa cool.

November 11. Penguins at Detroit. Hossa must go down, and he must go down hard.

LCS Hockey: Born Again
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