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June 26, 2019
Superhero Tournament - The Final Four
by Michael Menser Dell, Editor-in-Chief
Batman (1) vs Black Lightning (15): Batman never thought he'd meet his old friend Black Lightning in the Final Four. These two have a history. They used to appear together in the pages of Detective Comics in the late 1970s, and Batman even trained Black Lightning in various fighting techniques.
In preparation for the fight, Batman further insulates the batsuit, making it invulnerable to electrical shock. Black Lightning jazzes up his own costume, extending his butterfly collar and flaring out his bellbottom pants. Swanky.
Black Lightning puts the revamped batsuit to the test, hammering Bruce Wayne with a steady stream of lightning bolts. Nothing. Batman responds with a batarang attack, but, in an amazing display of reflexes, Black Lightning catches the projectile and uses it as an afro pick before whipping it back to its owner, burying the batarang right in the ol' batcup.
The batarang's razor sharp wing pierces Batman's rubber suit and just misses puncturing one of his Dark Knights. While Batman breathes a sigh of relief that he'll still be able to bed down with Catwoman, Black Lightning pumps 100,000 volts into the protruding weapon, using it as a lightning rod to bypass the protective suit and cook the caped crusader.
Yeehaw! Black Lightning is into the Finals! Yeehaw!
Hulk (1) vs Silver Surfer (2): In a show of good sportsmanship, the two combatants shake hands to start the fight. Always the crafty one, the Surfer doesn't let go of the Hulk's hand and rockets them both into deep space. Hulk can smash puny humans, but he can't breathe without air. The Surfer soars into the Finals.
Silver Surfer (2) vs Black Lightning (15): No one saw this coming. While the Silver Surfer had to be considered a legitimate contender from the start, Black Lightning knocked off a who's who of comic book legends, including Professor Xavier, Spider-Man, and Batman, in making it to the Finals. But how can he possibly compete against the Surfer?
Before the fight even gets underway, Chris Chelios jumps into the ring and starts palling around with the Silver Surfer. Yes, in his rapidly advancing senility, Chelios confuses the Surfer for his good buddy Laird Hamilton.
Surfer tries to set him straight, but Chelios won't hear of it. Actually, he forgot his Miracle Ear at home, so he can't hear of it. Unable to stomach his annoying admirer, the Surfer shoots himself in the head with the Power Cosmic. It's over! It's all over!
Ladies and gentlemen, your 2008 LCS Hockey Superhero Champion of the world... BLACK LIGHTNING!
Not only did Dennis correctly predict Black Lightning's first-round upset of Professor X, he also pegged six of the Elite Eight, although the two he missed were the eventual finalists. Hey, even Picasso spilled some paint.
Congratulations, Dennis. You're the tops. And your tiny hockey player with a big head is on its way.
It's also worth noting our good pal Brandon Dameshek correctly predicted the finalists for the right side of the bracket, even calling the Surfer in the Finals. Well done, Cousin Brandon.
But Brandon's complete disregard for Black Lightning, not to mention his continual disregard for his Wednesday night appearances on our fake radio show, cost him top honors. Actually, awarding one point for every correct winner, Dennis edged Brandon 43-39.
And in one final tribute to the great Black Lightning, enjoy watching Sinbad portray him on Saturday Night Live. You're welcome.