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January 22, 2019
Superhero Tournament - Sweet Sixteen
by Michael Menser Dell, Editor-in-Chief
STAN LEE BRACKET
Spider-Man (1) vs Apache Chief (12): What better way to kill a spider than by stepping on him? Inyuk-Chuk! The Apache Chief once again calls on the spirit of the Great Bear to grow enormous in size. But Spidey's uncanny speed and agility allow him to evade the bone-shattering stomps long enough to eventually web the Chief's moccasins and yank him to the ground like an AT-AT Walker. Timber!
Captain Marvel (3) vs Black Lightning (15): Captain Marvel may have the wisdom of Solomon, but Black Lightning has street smarts, fool! He begs off the fight, saying he wants no grief with Marvel. Lightning even offers to teach his foe some street lingo to make him cool in the hood.
After covering the basics like "sucker," "blood," and "jive turkey," Lightning introduces Marvel to the term "booshazamizzle." Marvel can't quite pronounce it properly, so Lightning breaks it down into syllables for him. Boo-sha-zam-izzle.
A magical bolt of lightning crashes down from the heavens, changing Marvel back into 10-year-old Billy Batson. Lightning shows the little punk the back of his hand and waltzes into the Great Eight.
BOB KANE BRACKET
Batman (1) vs Captain Britain (4): Batman is taking a serious beating, but he manages to flip a switch on his utility belt, triggering a TV monitor from the Batmobile's trunk. The screen starts showing the best of Benny Hill. Distracted by the hilarious shenanigans of his fellow countryman, Captain Britain loses all interest in the Caped Crusader, electing instead to chase after an elderly bald man and several buxom beauties in fast motion. Batman advances.
Wolverine (2) vs Captain America (3): Captain America's shield is made of vibranium. Good stuff. But Wolverine's claws are crafted from razor-sharp adamantium, and his skeleton is laced with the same metal, making him virtually indestructible.
Yet even Wolverine's unbreakable bones aren't enough to support his cripplingly convoluted back story. Years of ridiculous writing cause Logan to crumple like a tin can before he can even land a glove on the good Captain.
JACK KIRBY BRACKET
Hulk (1) vs Colossus (5): A true heavyweight clash, the Hulk and Colossus go right after each other, trading blows in the center of the ring. It's caveman stuff. The Hulk is getting the better of it until he suddenly transforms into Bill Bixby. Thankfully, Colossus is a big fan, having grown up on "My Favorite Martian" reruns in Russia. He gladly steps aside, allowing the Hulk to advance in exchange for stories about what Ray Walston was really like.
Green Lantern (2) vs Power Man (14): The Green Lantern survived his first-round matchup with Yellow Jacket, but he's brought face to face with his greatest weakness yet again in the form of Luke Cage's swank yellow shirt. What is that, velvet? Power Man presses the advantage, ripping the ring off Lantern's finger and shoving it straight up his roody poo candy ass.
FRANK MILLER BRACKET
Vision (4) vs Flash (8): Despite being a machine, the Vision's incredible prowess with the ladies carried him into the third round. But sadly, the Scarlet Witch shatters the heroic image, admitting Flash is her husband's nickname in the sack. Aw, that's gotta hurt.
First Reed and Sue Richards and now this. The tournament has been rough on marital bliss. Humiliated, the Vision goes on a wild bender and wakes up next to a shapely cigarette machine. The real Flash sprints into the Great Eight.
Silver Surfer (2) vs Thor (3): Easily the premier matchup of the tournament thus far, Silver Surfer versus Thor is worthy of a championship tilt. Thor is a God. The Surfer is the intergalactic herald of a dude who can eat planets. Tough call. But the Power Cosmic ain't no joke. Besides, the Surfer was once in a movie with Jessica Alba. Done and done.