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January 22, 2019
Superhero Tournament - Round Two
by Michael Menser Dell, Editor-in-Chief
JACK KIRBY BRACKET
Hulk (1) vs Doctor Fate (8): Frustrated over the corporate bureaucracy of his HMO, the Hulk takes out his anger on Doctor Fate, crushing the Helmet of Nabu like a peanut.
Reed Richards (4) vs Colossus (5): Still stinging from Sue dumping him in favor of Plastic Man, Reed Richards suddenly goes through a mid-life crisis. He dyes his hair black, starts wearing silk shirts, and shows up to the fight in a new convertible. Colossus says he knows plenty of young Russian women eager to meet hip, swinging American men. Mr. Fantastic jumps at the chance and rushes home to await the arrival of his new mail-order bride. Colossus wins by forfeit.
Thing (6) vs Power Man (14): I got your Thing right here. Luke Cage did time, people! He isn't scared do bust up some tired old rocks. Fight the power!
Green Lantern (2) vs Tick (7): The Green Lantern creates a giant pair of tweezers and squeezes the Tick till he pops.
FRANK MILLER BRACKET
Superman (1) vs Flash (8): Imagine you can do one thing really well. And then some jerk comes along who is better than you at it. But not only is he better than you, he's also the best at everything else imaginable. You'd be kind of pissed, right? Now you know how Flash feels about Superman.
The Flash can run really fast. Big deal. So can Superman. In fact, Superman can probably run even faster. What a creep.
Driven to insanity, a jealous Flash comes to the fight packing heat and unloads seven slugs from a .357 magnum right at Supe's chest. Watching the bullets merely bounce away only further infuriates Flash. Just like the crooks on the old 1950s TV show, the psychotic speedster hurls the spent firearm at Mr. Perfect. Except this time, Superman forgets to duck, and the gun knocks him cold. Score one for the little guy.
Vision (4) vs Beast (12): Again, the Vision is a robot, yet he's somehow banging Scarlet Witch. Someone really must explain this to me. Either way, the Vision is my hero. He's into the Sweet Sixteen.
Thor (3) vs Martian Manhunter (5): Apparently, the Martian Manhunter's big weakness is fire. Thor's big weakness is Klondike bars. Who knew? But the God of Thunder incinerates Manhunter with a mighty lightning bolt before giving in to his sweet tooth.
Silver Surfer (2) vs Atom (10): Atom, meet the Power Cosmic. Power Cosmic, Atom. Peace out.