March 24, 2019
Superhero Tournament - Round One
by Michael Menser Dell, Editor-in-Chief
FRANK MILLER BRACKET
Superman (1) vs Puck (16): In an incredible upset, Puck... aw, who am I kidding? Superman grabs the nearest Koho and snaps the little fella into orbit.
Silver Surfer (2) vs Falcon (15): The Falcon is a true pioneer. When he made his debut in Captain America No. 117, he became Marvel's first African-American superhero (1969). Silver Surfer congratulates him on inspiring social progress right before incinerating him with the power cosmic.
Thor (3) vs Angel (14): Superman, Silver Surfer, and Thor? The Miller bracket is loaded. And seriously, does anyone even like Angel? The God of Thunder pounds the hollow-boned pigeon into powder.
Vision (4) vs Hawkman (13): Despite being an android, the Vision still managed to bag the Scarlet Witch. Well done, sir. Meanwhile, Hawkman's costume drives the boys wild down at the Blue Oyster. Another birdbrain bites the dust.
Human Torch (5) vs Beast (12): I hear the blues a-calling, tossed salads and scrambled eggs... they're calling again. Johnny Storm singes the fur off Beast only to discover it's Kelsey Grammer and not Hank McCoy. The real beast uses the distraction to hit Johnny with a wicked big fire extinguisher of his own creation, snuffing Sue Storm's snotty little brother. Flame off.
Martian Manhunter (6) vs Hellboy (11): Hellboy starts things off with a blast from the Good Samaritan and follows up with a right cross from the Hand of Doom. The mighty blow staggers the Martian Manhunter, but he quickly recovers and uses his telepathic powers to spot Hellboy's true weakness. Manhunter vanishes and reappears in the shape of Linda Hamilton. Hellboy momentarily lets his guard down, allowing Manhunter to score the decisive KO.
Solar (7) vs Atom (10): Solar takes on the Ray Palmer version of Atom, who can shrink down to a molecular level. And that's only slightly smaller than my interest in this match. Atom wins.
Flash (8) vs Quicksilver (9): The two premier speedsters in comics clash. Quicksilver says he's faster. Flash agrees, saying that's exactly what Quicksilver's wife told him last night. Zing!