July 18, 2019
Superhero Tournament - Round One
by Michael Menser Dell, Editor-in-Chief
JACK KIRBY BRACKET
Hulk (1) vs Aquaman (16): Ya know, Aquaman can talk to fish. And even the fish think he's gay. Before Hulk can crush puny human, Aquaman is assaulted by an angry Mr. Limpet who makes short work of the swishy superdork.
Green Lantern (2) vs Yellow Jacket (15): A pillar of the Justice League versus an often forgotten member of the Avengers, this tilt would seem like a mismatch. After all, the Green Lantern's ring is one of the most powerful weapons in the universe, with its only limitation being the wearer's imagination. Meanwhile, Yellow Jacket is a nerdy scientist who dresses like a bug. Advantage Green Lantern.
But not so fast, my friend. The Lantern's power ring has one weakness: the color yellow. Seriously, he can go toe to toe with Superman, but he's helpless against Big Bird. Go figure.
Realizing his fancy yellow duds give him the upper hand, Yellow Jacket presses the attack and soon has Lantern on the ropes, stinging him with bio-energy blasts. Could we be witnessing another shocking 2-15 upset?
On the verge of defeat, Lantern uses his power ring to create a cell phone and places a desperate call for help to the Orkin Man, who arrives just in time to exterminate the pesky Yellowjacket. Orkin: keeping pests in their place for more than 100 years.
Spawn (3) vs Power Man (14): Luke Cage was one of the first African-American superheroes to carry a book of his own, helping pave the way for guys like Spawn. Fight the power.
Yeah, Spawn is ridiculously powerful, but so what? Cage did time! Even in hell, Spawn never had to shower with dudes. What's worse, eternal damnation or having your salad tossed in the clink? Cage plows right through Spawn, giving him a beating worse than Todd McFarlane's ego.
Reed Richards (4) vs Plastic Man (13): Sue Richards is on hand to cheer her husband, but she soon takes a fancy to DC's elongating man. She swoons over the Sha Na Na haircut, Blu Blocker sunglasses, and daring pants-less outfit.
Unable to contain her passion, Sue brings a halt to the battle, using the occasion to reveal for the first time not every part of her husband's body is elastic. She serves divorce papers on the spot and heads to the nearest motel with Plastic Man.
Richards, heartbroken and humiliated, advances.
Colossus (5) vs Sasquatch (12): The clash between the Russian strong man and the Canadian behemoth brings back memories of the 1972 Summit Series. Except this time, Colossus gets revenge for Valeri Khalamov, ripping a tree from the ground and going Bobby Clarke on Sasquatch's ankle.
Thing (6) vs Savage Dragon (11): It's clobberin' time. Thing beats Savage Dragon silly, only stopping when Dragon promises to give him a good deal on car insurance through Geico.
Tick (7) vs Wonder Man (10): Wonder Man? Really? Where's your gold lasso? Gimme a break. The Tick moves on. Spoon!
Dr. Fate (8) vs Dr. Strange (9): The two sorcerers square off in a memorable magic contest. Dr. Strange leads off, bending a spoon with his mind. Dr. Fate responds by pulling a rabbit from the Helmet of Nabu. They go back and forth for hours, nearly exhausting their bag of tricks. The end finally comes when Dr. Strange asks Dr. Fate to pick a card. After pondering his selection, Dr. Fate chooses instead to kick Dr. Strange in the Charlie Browns. Fight over.