January 22, 2019
Superhero Tournament - Round One
by Michael Menser Dell, Editor-in-Chief
BOB KANE BRACKET
Batman (1) vs Moon Knight (16): It's a dreary, overcast evening in Gotham City. The two combatants circle each other, looking for any apparent weaknesses. Suddenly, the sky clears and the full moon comes into view, bathing both men in moonlight. It's just the advantage Moon Knight needs. He quickly turns and drops his pants. Bang! Score another one for Moon Knight!
Sadly, while Moon Knight is celebrating the triumph, Batman hits him with the ol' Bat-Taser, lighting him up like Jon Casey. Batman advances.
Wolverine (2) vs Nick Fury (15): It could have been an epic battle had the Jim Steranko era Nick Fury showed. Instead, we got David Hasselhoff. Logan simply throws a hamburger on the ground and strolls into round two.
Captain America (3) vs Robin (14): Seeing Robin reminds Captain America of his pal Bucky, and he can't bring himself to pummel the poor lad. But Dick Cheney pulls the Captain aside and tells him Robin is hiding weapons of mass destruction and is planning to launch a nuclear strike on the United States. Always the good soldier, Captain America does his duty and beats Batman's little buddy into mashed potatoes. The victory is ruined somewhat when Cheney discovers Robin didn't have any oil fields.
Captain Britain (4) vs Banshee (13): England vs Ireland. This could get ugly. Banshee unleashes the full fury of his sonic scream, but Captain Britain, having suffered through lame British pop acts like the Spice Girls, has a strong resistance to audio torture. The good Captain fights through the auditory assault and grabs Banshee by the throat, silencing his ear-splitting caterwaul.
Unable to shake free from Captain Britain's crushing grip, Banshee bribes him with a bowl of Lucky Charms. While the Captain is enjoying the delicious green clovers, blue diamonds, and purple horseshoes, Banshee goes upside his head with a shillelagh. Nice effort, but completely ineffective. Captain Britain cracks him in the jaw, blasting him back to Brigadoon.
Iceman (5) vs Firestorm (12): It's Firestorm, the Nuclear Man, versus Iceman, the giant popsicle. The last I checked, nuclear energy trumps ice. But before the fight even begins, Firestorm offers to take a dive for Firestar's phone number. Done and done. Thanks to Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends, Iceman is into the next round.
Cable (6) vs Punisher (11): Cable is kind of like a futuristic Punisher. He's also lame as hell. His arrival pretty much signaled the drastic decline in the X-books. Frank Castle does us all a favor and shoots him right in the flashing eye. (Sunshine) Cable.
Gambit (7) vs Deadpool (10): Gambit and Deadpool are waging a titanic clash when Ricky Jay shows up. Pissed at having his act stolen, Jay buries an ace of spades right between Gambit's eyes. That's how you throw a playing card, punk!
X-O Manowar (8) vs Nightcrawler (9): One of only two Valiant heroes in the tournament, X-O Manowar tries to do the company proud, shooting all sorts of lasers and rockets and whatnot at his worthy foe. The nimble Nightcrawler eludes the various attacks, jumping around like a demented circus monkey and then teleporting X-O into a court of law, where Marvel sues him for ripping off Iron Man. Guten tag, mein freund.