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January 17, 2019
Superhero Tournament - Round One
by Michael Menser Dell, Editor-in-Chief
STAN LEE BRACKET
Spider-Man (1) vs Conan (16): The wrong Conan showed up. While Spidey was preparing for the barbarian king, the late night host arrived with his own version of the Sinister Six. Joining O'Brien were Andy Richter, Max Weinberg, Carl "Oldie" Olsen, the Masturbating Bear, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.
Spidey definitely had his hands full. But in the end, O'Brien and his minions were still no match for the web-slinger, who spun a web of enormous size and caught them all just like flies. But Conan is still the best... for Spidey to poop on!
Professor Xavier (2) vs Black Lightning (15): Xavier has to read the tournament organizers' minds just to figure out who the hell Black Lightning is. Once Xavier turns his formidable mental powers on his foe, he finds it incredibly difficult to penetrate Black Lightning's thoughts. It seems his years of putting up with The Man have made Black Lightning immune to mental attack.
Powerless, Xavier attempts to summon his X-Men for help, but Black Lightning unleashes a barrage of electrical bolts, cooking the professor like the jive turkey he is.
Do you believe in miracles! Black Lightning is through to round two. Aw, you gotta look out for those 2-15 matchups.
Captain Marvel (3) vs Black Panther (14): Realizing he's no match for Captain Marvel, the Black Panther attempts to use his keen intellect to corrupt the innocent Billy Batson, filling the ring with porn mags, fireworks, and wine coolers. But the Wisdom of Solomon allows Captain Marvel to see through the cheap ploy, and as soon as he's done drinking the booze and "reading" the porn, he pounds Black Panther into oblivion.
Iron Man (4) vs Iron Fist (13): Iron Fist is a living weapon, capable of focusing his chi to devastating effect in hand-to-hand combat. In an attempt to intimidate Iron Man, Iron Fist shatters 12 cement slabs with his hand. Impressed, Iron Man responds by putting a repulsor ray up his ass. Iron Man advances.
Cyclops (5) vs Apache Chief (12): Inyuk-chuk! Apache Chief calls on the spirit of the Great Bear and becomes gigantic. When Cyclops looks up to unleash the fury of his optic blasts, he catches a glimpse of what's under Apache Chief's loincloth and heads for the hills. Apache Chief moves on.
Daredevil (6) vs The Spectre (11): This is an interesting matchup. The Spectre is literally the wrath of God, often using fear as a weapon against his foes, but Daredevil is the man without fear. He isn't scared to whoop some Spectre ass.
But all men, even the noble Matt Murdoch, know fear. The Spectre conjures a picture of Ben Affleck, causing Daredevil to cower in defeat.
Namor (7) vs Ghost Rider (10): Namor, known as the Sub-Mariner in my day, goes right after Ghost Rider, busting him in the chops with a ferocious right cross. While rattled, Ghost Rider welcomes the chance to engage in close combat, as it allows him to lock eyes with Namor and use his deadly Penance Stare that makes the victim feel all the pain they've inflicted on others in their lives.
Namor is shaken to his core, with visions of a weeping Leonard Nimoy searing his soul. Ghost Rider takes full advantage, seizing the opportunity to flush the Atlantean down the toilet and cruise into round two.
Hawkeye (8) vs Green Arrow (9): It's a battle to see who's the better Robin Hood rip-off. These guys really are mirror images of each other. They're both lethal marksmen with the bow. They both employ trick arrows. And they both have smokin' hot blond broads, with Green Arrow boasting the Black Canary as his main squeeze, while Hawkeye beds the equally fetching Mockingbird. Then again, Black Canary usually wears fishnets, so advantage Green Arrow.
Since they're so similar, the two combatants decide to settle their differences with an archery contest. Green Arrow says there's no way Hawkeye could shoot a grape off his head from 50 feet. Sadly, he's right. Hawkeye misses low and advances to the second round.
Hey, Canary. Call me.