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December 5, 2013
More Than Meets the Eye
by Michael Menser Dell, Editor-in-Chief
That there "Transformers" moving picture show is making all sorts of money. I haven't seen it, but I loved myself some Transformers back in the day. And since I tend to think in terms of hockey, I started wondering about the similarities between Transformers and certain NHL players.
Optimus Prime: He's the leader of the Autobots and arguably the best Transformer. Sidney Crosby would be the first name that comes to mind, but Sid's kind of young. Optimus Prime is more of a veteran leader. Mario Lemieux would have made the prefect Optimus. Or Steve Yzerman. Ron Francis. Of current NHLers, though, I'd say Joe Sakic is the closest.
Bumblebee: In the cartoons, Bumblebee was always the scrappy little guy trying to prove his worth to the older Autobots. Now that's Crosby. But in winning the Art Ross, Hart, and Lester Pearson last season, Sid may have gone from Bumblebee to Optimus Prime.
Ratchet: Ratchet's an ambulance. No doubt, he's Peter Forsberg.
Jetfire: Aw, he was a bad man. Big, sleek, and powerful, Jetfire was the definition of cool, even if he did rip off Robotech. I'm gonna go with Vincent Lecavalier on this one.
Cliffjumper: A little red buggy, Cliffjumper was always eager to mix it up with the big boys, using his speed and aggression to his advantage. Sounds like Martin St. Louis to me.
Mirage: He's a fancy Formula-1 racecar who can disappear at will. It's like Joe Thornton has a twin.
Bluestreak: He never shuts up. He yaps and yaps and yaps. Put Elisha Cuthbert next to him and you couldn't tell the difference between Bluestreak and Sean Avery.
Prowl: A police cruiser, Prowl was the ultimate defender of the law. And if you want someone to enforce justice, look no further than Derek Boogaard.
Dinobots: Chris Chelios, Dominik Hasek, Ed Belfour, and Jeremy Roenick. They could also double for the Golden Girls.
Megatron: I think Brian Burke would make the best Megatron. They're both evil geniuses who believe in brutality.
Starscream: Starscream was Megatron's right-hand man. So who better to support Burke than Chris Pronger?
Soundwave: The Decepticons' communications expert, Soundwave transforms into a boombox and is hated even amongst his fellow comrades for his eavesdropping and manipulative ways. Basically, he's a robotic Mike Keenan.
Rumble: One of the little cassette's that popped out of Soundwave's chest, Rumble talked big and liked to fight at the drop of a hat. Matthew Barnaby would be proud.
Laserbeak: Another of Soundwave's cassettes, Laserbeak was a robotic vulture who never entered the battle until the opponent was already wounded and close to defeat, making him the Kirk Maltby of Decepticons.
Devastator: All the Constructicons banded together to form the behemoth Devastator, making them almost as tall as Zdeno Chara.
Shockwave: He was a big purple ray gun that lit up. No one gets lit up like Jose Theodore.