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July 18, 2019
Well, That Sucks
by Michael Menser Dell, Editor-in-Chief
Those filthy Detroit Red Wings beat the Dallas Stars 4-1 in Game Six, advancing to the Stanley Cup Finals for the first time since 2002.
I'll be honest. I didn't watch the game. Well, I started watching it. I saw Kris Draper score a goal off his monkey face to make it 1-0. While I was weeping in the other room, I vaguely heard Pavel Datsyuk and Dallas Drake score to make it 3-0 by the end of the first period. And I wiped the tears from my eyes long enough to watch in awe as Henrik Zetterberg destroyed Marty Turco with a real wizard shorthanded breakaway. What can I say? I like Zetterberg. Don't judge.
I hear tell Stephane Robidas scored in the third to spoil the shutout. But that's about it. I really can't break down all the goals and analyze much, although I will say Mike Ribeiro is a punk.
The next time you hear someone say Ribeiro is a good hockey player, just show them the clip of Detroit's first goal. He allowed Draper to skate right around him and get position in front of the net. Then, instead of stopping and clearing Draper from the cage, Ribeiro just peels away and begins circling into the corner. It meant Draper was all alone to direct Drake's precision centering pass behind Turco with his face. Shameful.
On the Drake goal that made it 3-0, Ribeiro again displayed his complete apathy for two-way play, letting Brett freakin' Lebda blow right past him. And Ribeiro isn't scared to coast through center on the backcheck. It's embarrassing. While he was buying a ticket, Lebda got the puck back, swung wide on right wing, and flipped a centering pass in front for Drake to hammer home. Instead of busting his ass to get to the front of the net and pick someone up, he again peeled away as if afraid of contact. He finished minus-3 on the night. And in case you're scoring at home, he didn't record a goal in his final 10 playoff games and had just four assists in his last nine.
I was so hoping for the Dallas comeback. If Detroit blows a 3-0 series lead, I'd never have to put up with another angry Detroit fan ever. I'd just have to reply with "3-0" and that's that. Done and done.
Now we've got Detroit and Pittsburgh in the Finals. This is like my ultimate Stanley Cup matchup. This will either be my worst nightmare or my crowning glory. Kid Crosby, you're my only hope.
The Finals won't start until Saturday night. I'll write the official preview on Thursday or Friday. And I'll give the Conference Finals more of a recap in the next day or so. But if you'll excuse me, I need to go drink away the pain.
STANLEY CUP FINALS SCHEDULE Date EST Teams Network(s) Sat. May 24 8PM Pittsburgh at Detroit VERSUS, CBC, RDS Mon. May 26 8PM Pittsburgh at Detroit VERSUS, CBC, RDS Wed. May 28 8PM Detroit at Pittsburgh NBC, CBC, RDS Sat. May 31 8PM Detroit at Pittsburgh NBC, CBC, RDS Mon. June 2 8PM Pittsburgh at Detroit NBC, CBC, RDS Wed. June 4 8PM Detroit at Pittsburgh NBC, CBC, RDS Sat. June 7 8PM Pittsburgh at Detroit NBC, CBC, RDS