Awards o' Plenty

Hey, I forgot to mention the Calder nominees in that other article. The rookie of the year candidates are Evgeni Malkin, Jordan Staal, and Paul Stastny.

Staal's an absolute monster, and he's going to dominate both ends of the ice for the next 15 years, but most of his even-strength offense came while playing with Malkin, who assisted on 13 of Staal's 29 goals. And unless you're a goaltender, it's tough to win the Calder with 13 assists.

Stastny closed liked a champ, posting 19 goals and 50 points over his final 44 games. In contrast, it seemed like Malkin ran into the rookie wall and limped down the stretch, but he still managed 15 goals and 49 points over that same time span.

Malkin ended with 33 goals and 85 points in 78 games, beating Stastny by five goals and seven points in four fewer games. But I'm giving it to Malkin on degree of difficulty. First, he had to escape from the Russian mafia. That's never easy. Then he had to acclimate to North American culture and the grueling NHL schedule, all while not speaking a word of English. Plus there were all those angry villagers chasing him with torches. It was a hard-knock life for Geno. And people forget about his shoulder injury in the preseason. That was no joke. He probably wasn't at full strength all season. A lot of people were down on Malkin in the playoffs, but this is just the beginning. He's special. Oh, and fire bad.

Okay, now that we've got that out of the way, here are a few more awards we'd like to see...

NO HEART TROPHY
This prestigious award is given to the player deemed least valuable to his team. And the nominees are...

Nikolai Zherdev, Columbus Blue Jackets: Did Zherdev even play this season? Signing that new contract must have taken a lot out of him. But where would the Blue Jackets be without him? Well, probably right where they are now.

Todd Bertuzzi, Florida Panthers edition: Let's see, the Panthers traded Roberto Luongo to get him, only to watch Bertuzzi miss most of the season and then use his impending free agency to all but force a trade to Detroit for virtually nothing. Yeah, that worked out well for Florida. But what kind of a guy takes millions of dollars from a team, not to mention top medical care, and then bolts town? Probably the same kind of guy who punches someone from behind. Bertuzzi 3:16... I just screwed your franchise.

Alexei Yashin, New York Islanders: A perennial contender, Yashin finds new and exciting ways to disappoint every year. Just when you think he gives nothing, he digs deep and finds a way to give even less. But as long as the checks clear, who cares? Yashin's still sitting at the end of the bench at Nassau Coliseum waiting for Ted Nolan to tell him to go home.

JON CASEY TROPHY
Given to the least outstanding goaltender. Your nominees...

Hannu Toivonen, Boston Bruins: Last season, I pegged this kid for stardom. Well, there's always next year. His 4.23 goals-against average and .875 save percentage is evidence the 22-year-old can use a bit more seasoning. Maybe some paprika. Some dillweed. You can't go wrong with dillweed as a spice or as an insult.

Alex Auld, Florida Panthers: It's not like anyone expected Auld to replace Luongo, but he lost his starting job to Eddie Belfour. Let that sink in for a minute. A 42-year-old Belfour, reeking of whiskey and cheap wine, outplayed Auld, and he did it while using a bottle of mescal for a goalstick. Then again, maybe Belfour offered Auld a billion dollars to let him start.

Marc Denis, Tampa Bay Lightning: Realizing their lack of goaltending cost them in 2005-06, the Tampa Bay Lightning were quick to address the problem, trading for Marc Denis over the summer. Following the 2006-07 campaign, the Bolts now realize they still lack goaltending but have an abundance of Marc Denis. He has been asked to leave and never return. Unfortunately, when Lightning management attempted to hand him his letter of termination, Denis dropped to his knees and let it sail over his glove.

WAYNE MCBEAN TROPHY
Named in honor of the Islander great who finished his career at a robust minus-72, this goes to the least outstanding defenseman.

Adrian Aucoin, Chicago Blackhawks: In his two seasons with the Blackhawks, Aucoin has appeared in 92 games, recording five goals, 22 points, and a minus-35. But don't worry, the Hawks have only paid him $8 million. What a bargain.

Patrice Brisebois, Colorado Avalanche: Sure, he only played 33 games, missing most of the season due to back surgery, but Breeze-by must be included in the discussion. With Brisebois out of action, the total number of turnovers in the NHL dropped 15%. It's doubtful Brisebois will be back with the Avs next season. He's hoping to catch on in New York. He heard Madison Square Garden had an opening for a turnstile.

Derian Hatcher, Philadelphia Flyers: If Hatcher were any slower, he'd be going backwards. One of the few holdovers from the old clutch-and-grab NHL, Hatcher's kind of like Sasquatch, the missing link connecting the two eras. Except Hatcher smells worse and, unlike Sasquatch, can't skate backwards.

DALE HUNTER TROPHY
Given to the least gentlemanly player.

Chris Simon, New York Islanders: He two-handed someone in the face. That's gonna be tough to beat.

Sean Avery, New York Rangers: He's the guy voted most likely to get two-handed in the face.

Jarkko Ruutu, Pittsburgh Penguins: He's like Esa Tikkanen's cheaper, nastier little brother.

CHRIS CHELIOS TROPHY
Instead of honoring the top rookie, the Chelios goes to the player who should be playing in his last NHL season. Pick up the phone. Reality is calling.

Chris Chelios, Detroit Red Wings: At some point, guys get so old, they no longer even look like hockey players. Their faces get puffy. Their eyes dull. The uniform mocks them. Chelios looks like a mechanic at a costume party. Retire already!

Dominik Hasek, Detroit Red Wings: The Flopinator longs for the day when he can hang up his skates and spend some time with a few of his childhood friends, like dirt, fire, and wind.

Jeremy Roenick, Phoenix Coyotes: J.R. Wanna-be Superstar is actually talking about playing again next season. Wow, wherever he ends up, that's gonna be one lucky beer league.

CRAIG JANNEY TROPHY
The NHL's worst defensive forwards vie for the Janney.

Nikolai Zherdev, Columbus Blue Jackets: A double-threat, Zherdev gains a second nomination thanks to his general apathy and fear of competition. Oddly enough, Zherdev's new contract calls for a $50,000 bonus if he got nominated for the Janney. But Columbus management dropped the check in the defensive zone, ensuring Zherdev would never pick it up.

Joffrey Lupul, Edmonton Oilers: Lupul had one of the most disappointing seasons in recent memory, ending the year with a minus (-29) higher than his point total (28).

Petr Nedved, Edmonton Oilers: In his 40 games with the Flyers and Oilers, Nedved registered a plus only twice, finishing the year at minus-21. The Bad News Bears paid more attention to defense.

GENE UBRIACO AWARD
And finally, the coveted Ubriaco, which is bestowed upon the worst coach in the NHL.

Dave Lewis, Boston Bruins: He just hasn't been the same since the failed invasion of Poland. Now I hear Eva Braun wants to leave him. Poor guy.

Jim Playfair, Calgary Flames: Seldom before has so little been done with so much. Playfair coach lousy.

Guy Carbonneau, Montreal Canadiens: One would think Carbonneau, a three-time Selke winner, would have taken some time to teach his team how to play defense. Montreal allowed 32.7 shots per game, the third-highest total in the league, and had four players finish minus-20 or worse. Carbonneau must have been too busy trying to figure out why Bob Gainey signed Sergei Samsonov. I'm still workin' on that one myself.

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