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September 2, 2010
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Sitcom All-Stars

by Michael Menser Dell, Editor-in-Chief

FORWARDS

First Line: C - Sam Malone, "Cheers;" LW – Vinnie Barbarino, "Welcome Back, Kotter;" RW - Arthur Fonzarelli, "Happy Days."

Your top line should always be loaded with scorers, and few men have ever scored more than Sam Malone, The Fonze, and Vinnie Barbarino. The big question is who has the most career tallies? I think I'd give the edge to Mayday. He played ball for the Sox, he owned a bar, and he drove a Corvette. That's a triple threat.

Second Line: C – Colonel Robert E. Hogan, "Hogan's Heroes;" LW – Maxwell Smart, "Get Smart;" RW – Corporal Randolph Agarn, "F-Troop."

It's always nice having a crafty playmaker in the middle. Hogan is as resourceful as they come. By the time the game's over, not only will he produce his share of offense, there'll also be a tunnel under the ice leading outside the arena.

The original idol of millions from eight to 80, Maxwell Smart would be a perfect fit on left wing. I just hope he doesn't injure himself with his skate phone. And Agarn is the ideal role player, willing to do whatever it takes to win or get rich quick.

Third Line: C - Cousin Larry Appleton, "Perfect Strangers;" LW – Latka Gravas, "Taxi;" RW – Balki Bartokomous, "Perfect Strangers."

Cousin Larry always has a plan. There is no off position on the genius switch. And he and Balki share a chemistry similar to Jason Spezza and Dany Heatley. You haven't lived until you've seen the Dance of Joy on ice.

Latka would be extremely valuable for his versatility. First, his mechanic skills would come in handy if the zamboni ever breaks down. Second, his conversations with Balki in their native tongues would mystify and confuse the opposition. And third, his alter ego Vic Ferrari could slip right into the top line if Malone, Fonzie, or Barbarino ever get hurt.

Fourth Line: C - Louie DePalma, "Taxi;" LW - Lynn Belvedere, "Mr. Belvedere;" RW – Ralph Kramden, "The Honeymooners."

Louie is the ideal fourth-line center. He's like Dale Hunter only nastier. Kramden is a punishing grinder in the corners, and he's more than willing to drop the gloves. Just ask his wife. And don't overlook Mr. Belvedere. Checking in at 6'3", 250, he adds even more muscle, perfectly happy to drop kick opposing defensemen as he comes through the door.

DEFENSE

First Pair: LD – Herman Munster, "The Munsters;" RD – Dorothy Zbornak, "Golden Girls."

Talk about a devastating duo. One is a gigantic monster with unimaginable strength and power, and the other is Herman Munster.

Second Pair: LD - Lou Grant, "The Mary Tyler Moore Show;" RD – Jonas Grumby, "Gilligan's Island."

Both of these guys are brutal in the corners. Mr. Grant's terrible temper will likely have him leading the team in PIMs. Lord help the first opponent that shows any spunk. I'm just a little worried the Skipper will get in trouble with the league for always smacking people with his helmet.

Third Pair: LD – Barney Fife, "The Andy Griffith Show;" RD – Dwight K. Schrute, "The Office."

These guys will lay down the law. Schrute has never met a rule he couldn't enforce. And rest assured, if there's ever a problem, Fife will nip it in the bud. Sure, he may be undersized, but don't be fooled. Them Fifes is wiry.

GOALTENDERS

Starter: Fred "Rerun" Stubbs, "What's Happening;"
Backup: Eddie LeBec, "Cheers."

Rerun would be a dominant No. 1 netminder. He's got remarkable quickness and agility for his size. He'll pop and lock his way to one shutout after another. If Rerun ever falters, LeBec's there to pick up the pieces, relying on his veteran experience with the Leafs, Flames, Jets, and Bruins to shut the door.